The One Question I Inevitably Ask My Entrepreneur Clients

As those who have read my blogs for awhile know, I used to play poker a lot in college. One of the people I played with often had a nearly photographic memory. He once told me that he could recall, on command, the hands that people held from earlier points in the night or even earlier games. 

The way he described it sounded so cool and so literal - almost like a video game simulation. He would sit at the table, look around at the other players, and hanging above their heads he would see little cards that changed based on the hand he was trying to recall. 

Ever since he told me this, I was always aware that when he looked at me, he was looking at the cards hanging above my head. 

Personally, as someone who enjoyed the more psychological and emotional undercurrents of poker, I used this knowledge to my advantage. If he was focused on the cards and the numbers, he was not paying attention to me - the human. 

By looking solely at the math, the human part of the game became his blindspot.

Do you see what I see?

I work with a lot of service providers and entrepreneurs. Inevitably in our work, as they are speaking, I will get a strange yet familiar feeling. This feeling prompts me to ask a very specific question.

“I’m so curious,” I ask, “when you think about these prospective clients, do you see a human being who has hopes and dreams and needs - or are you seeing a dollar amount hanging above their head?”

Sometimes they respond quickly. Sometimes they need to think first. Always they respond with “dollar amount”. 

If you’ve never tried your hand in entrepreneurship, reading this may shock you.

If you are an entrepreneur, reading this may make you feel relieved in knowing that you’re not alone.

While this is definitely not ideal, it’s so normal for a service provider to have this experience at least once in their journey. It’s easy to get swept up in numbers, enrollment, the lack of money in your account, and the ability to make money ahead. 

However, in my experience, what someone does with these moments and thought patterns is a significant indicator of their long term trustworthiness and success.

Fish are friends not food.

Clients are people not dollar amounts. Losing sight of this is a huge disservice to all parties involved. 

Who reading this likes to feel like they are only as valuable as their checkbook? Probably nobody. It doesn’t matter how much money you do or don’t have, you probably want to be seen for who you are. 

When a service provider slips into a dollar sign mentality, they may not realize it at the time, but they lose the ability to see their clients or prospective clients for the people they are. And wow - do humans really pick up on it when they aren’t being seen.

“But Lisa!” you may say. “I need to make money!”

Yeah, same. Most people do. I’m not saying don’t make money or don’t support yourself.

I’m saying that when I’m hungry, and there are no groceries in the house, I don’t go full-blown Hannibal Lecter on my family and chow down on their arms. I go to the grocery store and cook dinner. Does it take longer? Yes. Is it more work? Yes. Am I hungry the whole time? Yes.

But, going to the grocery store is a solution that is way more aligned with the actual urgency of the situation, my personal values, and my respect for the human beings in my life.

Can it be complicated and difficult to simultaneously seek to earn money as a service provider while also seeing prospective clients as non-monetary humans? Yes, absolutely! Is it impossible? No it’s not. 

And in fact, just like grocery shopping is going to meet way more needs in general than cannibalism, focusing on the people in your business - not the money - is going to yield much larger results in the long run.

But how do I stop the hunt?

As I said, I’ve struggled with this before in my own practice. If you are struggling with this, there’s no need to be ashamed. It’s normal. It’s human. And it’s totally possible to want to do better tomorrow but not beat yourself up over yesterday’s thoughts.

In the moments where I’ve most struggled, something that helped immensely was scheduling out ten minutes before each prospective client or client call. I would use that time to focus on the human being I was about to speak to and recall what I admire most in them. In all honesty, I still do this, but I don’t need to schedule the time out anymore.

The other thing you can do is surround yourself with people and messaging that support a true service mindset. The online world can be pretty insidious. I find that if I spend enough time ingesting cutthroat, life hack, gotcha marketing resources, I can quickly slip into those mindsets. So, be mindful about the influencers, service providers, and coaches you are following. 

One of my favorite books for this type of thing is The Go Giver by Bob Burg. It’s a quick read and brings me back to center whenever I float out.

Finally, practice radical generosity. Reminder - generosity doesn’t mean giving from an empty cup. Generosity means giving purposefully when and where you can. 

Trying to fill your brand new coaching practice with paying clients? Take calls with everyone and serve them as deeply as possible - even if you know they aren’t likely to become a paying client. Trying to fill your consulting roster with clients at the next pricing level? Set one reduced rate spot aside for someone who can’t afford your new rates.

Mindful generosity is incredibly important to cultivating and sustaining service mindset. 

Forgetting your core why in the face of money is not uncommon, it’s not the end of the world, but it’s also not serving you or your clients. The more quickly you can see what is going on and take measure to cultivate the environment that is more aligned with your values, the more quickly you will see the results in your business and for your clients. 

Response Ability

My undergraduate flute teacher did not like me one bit. And she let me know often.

To be fair, she was not my first choice, and she knew it. However, two lessons into my junior year, I found myself standing in her studio hearing her speak the words that were revealing the truth I already knew. 

According to her, I was “deeply unteachable” due to my “inherent lack of musicality.” Because of this, she was, and would continue to, stop me from being able to participate in vital performance opportunities such as playing in orchestra, as well as other competitions and experiences that required her explicit consent.

There I was, junior year tuition just paid, feeling trapped. Thoughts like “I should have just transferred after freshman year” and “maybe she’s right and this IS for my own good” swirled around in my mind. And then, in what was a bizarre jolt of clarity for me at the young age of 19, I realized two things. 

1) I did not agree with her assessment of or behavior towards me. 

2) I could take responsibility for creating my own experience.

My junior year, I transformed as a flutist and a person. I started seeking out the performance experiences that, quite frankly, nobody was interested in pursuing. That semester, I was the flutist for eight guitarists chamber music requirements. I ended up visiting the study abroad office (and office that I was told was off limits to music students) which landed me in Amsterdam during second semester. My Dutch teacher showed me an entirely different way to be taught and his style still influences my coaching today. I made friends with the composers and musical theatre people and started performing more on composition recitals and in musical theatre pits. I sought out fellow students to give me feedback on my playing - and developed a remarkable social support system in the process. 

I want to be clear - taking responsibility for my own experience could have meant leaving the school entirely. It could have meant pushing to switch studios. It could have meant lodging a complaint to school administration or even expressing extreme verbal discontent with my teacher. But, for a variety of reasons, I either didn’t see or choose any of those routes. 

However, by the end of my degree, I was no longer bitter about my circumstances. In fact, I felt I had received an education I didn’t even realize was possibly for me. It was one specifically crafted by me and for me, with the resources available to me. It was my experience, and nobody could take it away from me. 

Bonus - I got into my dream graduate school! A feat that I am rather positive wouldn’t have occurred if the circumstances had not unfolded the way they did.

Taking Responsibility For Your Own Experience

In the coaching world, we often hear this phrase thrown around - “You are responsible for getting the experience you want.” And I acknowledge, it’s a tricky, sticky phrase.

It’s important to acknowledge that we do see this phrase used by coaches and service providers with low ethical standards and manipulative tactics to excuse poor delivery of service, break agreements, and gaslight customers.

And.

The phrase itself is actually very important. 

While many of you reading this may not have gone to music school, or may not share my personal story - the premise of my story is not uncommon. Many of us, at some point in our lives, were shown an authority figure and a path. And we were told that if we listened to the authority figure and followed the path, we would be held and supported and successful.

Most of us were not taught how to interact healthfully with that authority figure or that path. We were not taught how to question and explore our own needs. We were taught that confrontation was either entirely off the table or always resulted in extreme combativeness. 

And so as a result, most of us learned that the process of improvement includes seeking out an all-knowing authority figure, a proven path, and totally handing ourselves over - to emerge on the other side “better” and “fixed”.

I’m so sorry to tell you - this isn’t how it works. At least, not if you want results.

Yes, sure, I too have bought into the fairytale idea that if I just do enough research and pick the program or person with the right credentials and the right results for other people that I can avoid any and all discomfort or displeasure. My inner conflict avoider really loves the idea that this is possible.

But in reality, you are a complex, multi-faceted human just as every human or human-made program you come across will be. There will be glitches. There will be upsets. There will be misunderstandings.

But when we stop here, at the point of friction, and totally resign ourselves to situation we are in, we lose all power. And we lose the ability to create a better situation for ourselves - in the short term and in the long term.

When we take responsibility for our experience, we put ourselves back in charge. We are able to speak up for our needs, express our displeasures, and seek opportunities where we previously didn’t see any. Taking responsibility for our experience isn’t about blaming or not blaming ourselves or someone else - it’s about fortifying our integrity and making sure that our thoughts, words, and actions are totally aligned. 

In that, we find our strength.

If I had to do it all again….

Knowing what I know now, the only thing I’m certain that I would have done differently with my flute teacher is that I would have been more vocal about my displeasure with the $100k+ education that was, or was not, being provided to me. I don’t know if I would have left. It would have depended on how that conversation went.

So many of us struggle with taking full responsibility for our experience because we believe that the purpose of vocalizing our needs, desires, or displeasures is to get the person or situation in front of us to change. 

It’s not. 

Many of us show up to our interactions with others in avoidant, people-pleaser mode, and then don’t know what to do when their actions upset us. We make a ton of assumptions about how the person will react if we tell them how we feel. And so we don’t even give them a chance to respond. We simply retreat, get defensive, and perpetuate the pattern.

The purpose of vocalizing our needs, desires, or displeasures is to show up in the world as a more authentic version of ourselves - and give the world a chance to respond to THAT person. The real person. 

If you start to stand in your true needs - sure - maybe the world will respond as it always has. And yes, I can appreciate how that would feel very disappointing.

But, maybe - just maybe - you’ll be pleasantly surprised and get more than you ever thought was possible.

The not-so-secret ingredient your business strategy is probably missing

Growing up with a Muslim parent and family, I have spent a lifetime fielding curious questions about Ramadan from friends and strangers alike. And while I am a huge advocate for unabashed curiosity, and really love answering these questions - I feel like nobody ever seems to really hear my real answers.

Ramadan, of course, is a Muslim holiday that is best known for its grueling and lengthy fasting schedule. And yet, the truth is, the whole ‘point’ of the holiday is not entirely about abstaining from food and water during daylight hours.

The overarching theme of the holiday is actually more about charity.

“But if it’s about charity, then why give up food and water, Lisa?” Without diving into a totally different-than-intended blog post, I’m going to put it this way. With anything - holidays, business, fame, anything - there are the easy-to-see parts that are extreme or attractive or provocative. Usually, these parts are a means to an end - not the end itself. 

We, as humans, often become distracted by the surface level stuff. Even when we think we aren’t - we are. Referring to Ramadan as “the holiday where Muslims abstain from food and water during daylight hours for a month” is much more catchy and easily digestible than referring to it as “the holiday where Muslims examine, clean up, and cultivate who they really are being in this world by undergoing multiple forms of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual purification and fortification while also abstaining from distractions and luxuries to reach a deeper level of introspection and peace - a place from which an abundance of charity makes its deepest and widest impact.” Right?

Ramadan isn’t the only place that the importance of giving and generosity can go unnoticed from the outside. My experience is that generosity is a key ingredient to success in any area - especially business. And yet, many people don’t practice it regularly as a part of their professional growth strategy. 

Often times, people become worried that they can only “afford” to become generous once they’ve reached a certain point - that if they give too much before that point, they will be taken advantage of and perceived as weak. 

Since the practice of generosity is not something that is widely marketed as “The Secret Way to 10x Your Business,” many people have no context for carrying giving and generosity into their business in an appropriate and expansive way. It is not uncommon for people with good intentions to end up feeling more scarcity, fear, and resentment after endeavoring to give more in their business. 

Here are a few mistakes I see regularly, and how to remedy them:

Mistake #1: Trying to give from an empty cup.

One of the biggest perspective reframes for generosity that is available to you is that generosity is a mindset - not an action. 

Yes, we can engage in generous actions - giving someone our time, giving someone our money, etc. However, when we see generosity as a mindset, we start to open ourselves up to generosity of spirit. 

Generosity of spirit can look like inviting someone to come along on a journey with you because they seem isolated. Generosity of spirit can look like sharing a piece of information with someone that would deeply serve them even when it feels a little vulnerable for you to share. 

Generosity of time and money are important, yes, but they are tangible. In order to give money, you need to have money to give. In order to give time, you need to have time to give. And often times, to those people who see these two things as the only or best forms of generosity, this can put them in a real bind. 

People who are struggling financially or have time-consuming responsibilities will often times give away more money or time than they can afford because they want to be generous. But ultimately, that generosity quickly hits a wall and it becomes depletion - which is not productive or tenable. 

So, if your time or money cup is empty, please do not try giving excessively from it. Rather, give abundantly from your heart and spirit. 

Be open. Create belonging. Share words of love. It is just as valuable, and will allow you to expand - not deplete - your well of time and money.

Mistake #2: Giving with expectation.

We live in the 21st century so you have probably heard of the law of karma. What goes around comes around. Give and you shall receive. You reap what you sow.  

I’m a firm believer in this thinking - but many of us take it too literally. I speak to so many business owners who can rattle off, with an aftertaste of bitterness, the last five acts of generosity they performed. With exasperation they ask, “When will it come back to me?!” And while they are engaging in acts of generosity, this exclamation is a sign of a pattern that they are headed in the wrong direction.

Yes, acting with generosity benefits you too. However, giving with the expectation that you’re going to receive immediate, noticeable, and equivalent rewards in return is a bit like putting out a bird feeder and getting upset that you can’t summon a specific bird at your whim. 

In reality - you put out a bird feeder because you want to attract more birds. And the more birds you attract, the higher the likelihood you’re going to see more beautiful and rare types. And while the birds are at your feeder, they will stop to eat some insects. So now, you’ve got healthy birds, healthy plants, a vibrant yard, and probably a few overfed squirrels as well. Everyone wins - except the insects.

When we give with expectation, we become the person proclaiming their bird feeder is broken while 12 birds hang around outside of it - just because that one bird didn’t show up. Giving with expectation feels good for nobody and it misses the point. 

If you are giving, especially in the context of business, give with intention of cultivating the type of business ecosystem you want to see in this world. Give with the intention of treating others the way you want your community to interact with itself. Give with the intention of contributing to a culture that will lift everyone up. When we engage in this kind of generosity, we impact more people and open ourselves up to a greater return than we ever could have imagined.

Mistake #3: Engaging in reactive giving.

Hi people-pleasers! It’s nice to see you again. Do you feel like you are giving soooooo much? Whenever someone asks you for something, do you say ‘yes’ in 99.9% of situations? Do you even notice what people have asked for in the past and have started preemptively giving them those things? And yet, do you feel like nobody notices? And yet, do you feel drained?

This is because you are giving as a reaction to the requests and desires of other people - not from a place of giving what YOU have decided that you want to or even can. 

This is a tricky dynamic because it really feels quite selfless and on point in the moment. After all, you are giving the people what they are asking for! Isn’t that the greatest form of altruism? Unfortunately, no.

It’s very important that we seek to give from a place of knowing both what we can give and what we want to give. When we do this, yes, there will be times where someone asks for something that we say yes to. 

For example, you may have already decided that you want to give $500 to charity this year and are looking for the right charity. In the meantime, someone may come along and solicit you for a donation for their charity. This is great!

And yet, it is very different from you giving $500 to a charity just because someone asked you to, with no thought or understanding of how much money you have, how much money you want to give, or even if this charity is aligned with your value system. 

Will this happen sometimes? Absolutely. But when this is the norm - when your generosity is built off of everyone else’s requests and expectations - you are not engaged in generosity. You are engaged in people pleasing. And as I’m sure you know, people pleasing behavior is ultimately a losing game for everyone involved.

What next?

If you resonate with any of these scenarios, my advice to you is to have a plan. Especially when it comes to time and money - what do you have and want to give? What does that look like this week, this month, this year? What type of environment do you want your generosity to cultivate? 

Clear any expectations of visible, immediate, or equitable returns. And then, go forth and give. 

When we are able to give from a healthy place inside, we inspire others to do the same. It becomes the gift that keeps on giving, and ultimately creates a culture around giving that is sustainable, joyous, and exponential in its reach.

People, please.

Have you ever seen the movie Inception? 

If you haven’t seen it, for the purposes of this blog post, all you really need to know is that there is a lot of screen time dedicated to people experiencing a dream within a dream. Kind of like a dream kaleidoscope. A dream onion with many layers. A dream parfait, if you will.

Anyways, some of the most exciting times in that movie are when someone “wakes up” from a dream, and the viewer is forced to ask - are they really woken up? Or are they in the next layer of dreaming?

I think about Inception a lot when I think about inner work and growth. Here’s why.

For every action there’s an equal, opposite reaction.

My experience is that most people relate to their subconscious as though it’s that copier in the office that jams a lot. It’s necessary. You have to interact with it every day. It makes your life significantly more annoying. You really wish it would get fixed already.

And so, people work on the parts of themselves driven by the subconscious with the same approach as fixing a broken copier - they want to know the “problem” so they can “fix” it and be done. 

The primary issue with this is that the subconscious is not something you picked up at Office Depot. It’s a part of your psyche - a member of your own internal Board of Directors since day one.

It was there with you when you were punished for your sibling’s misbehavior. It was a VIP audience member when you won your 2nd grade spelling bee. It was holding your hand when you left home for the first time.

Your subconscious was there - for you and with you - for your whole life.

So when one day you turn on it and declare it unhelpful and unwelcome, it doesn’t just submit. It doesn’t just go away. Rather, it boosts you into another layer of the “dream” and makes you think you have fixed it. It makes you think you have worked up.

Until months later, you find yourself back exactly where you started and feel more frustrated and trapped than ever.

Ok Lisa, what’s the point? This is all getting a little too meta. 

For example, let’s take the people pleaser. Most people I know are, in some way shape or form, people pleasers.

This may surprise you, since you may know many people in your life who do not *spark joy* within you.

But, being a people pleaser does not mean that one makes everyone happy. Rather, it means that the person acts and makes decision from a place of external authority rather than internal authority.

Every people pleaser I know, including myself, has walked down the same path. 

First, the world happens to a people pleaser. People don’t appreciate them. People make them stressed and upset with their ungratefulness and lack of compassion.

Then, they learn about this term “people pleaser.” They learn that, in fact, their own motivators and actions are creating the frustrating world around them. They learn that their projections are causing them a lot of pain. 

And then, they face a fork in the road - Option A or Option B.

Option A is actually a carbon copy of the first step of a people pleaser’s path. In Option A, a people pleaser has no appreciation for their people pleasing tendencies. They are very ungrateful for the presence of this internal mechanism and even become ashamed that they are this dreaded sub-type of humanity - “The People Pleaser". They don’t practice self-compassion because they believe they don’t deserve it until they can fix this part of themselves.

Option A is a very common path to take. However, Option A does not get you out of the bad dream.

Option A simply puts you in both the villain and the victim roles of your own story. And then you feel even more trapped than before.

So what is Option B? 

Option B involves, as Missy Elliott would say, putting the thing down, flipping it, and reversing it.

Noticing people pleaser tendencies within yourself does not mean that you are doomed to wear a Scarlet P across your chest.

People pleaser tendencies are extremely normal for any person who, as a child, noticed that putting a smile on their parent’s face made the emotional landscape of their home safer and/or more enjoyable. That’s…. most of us. 

So, if you have come to terms with being a people pleaser, and you have done the work to see the power of your projections, and you don’t want to get trapped in a bad dream within a bad dream - just do the opposite of Option A. It’s really that simple.

While you may want to berate your inner people pleaser, shower it with appreciation. Express gratitude for it. Apply excessive self-compassion because this part of you has served you in so many ways. You’re a giver. You want to make people happy. These are not inherently bad things.

When you apply Option B to your people pleasing tendencies, or any part of your subconscious, there is no getting stuck on loop. You become the architect of your own dream landscape. You are quite literally being the change internally that you wish to see in the world. 

I don’t really have a great ending for this post, but I will say this.

Applying self-compassion when we are frustrated with ourselves feels counterintuitive and unproductive - but it’s really not. Like, really. 

There is not one mental health professional, coach, therapist, self-help book that’s like, “You know what would really help you out here? Applying more self-loathing.”

And yet, self-compassion is very uncomfortable to practice at first. So we avoid it. And we convince ourselves it won’t work. We convince ourselves it’s a waste of time. And so we slip back into fighting with ourselves. 

This the most cliché life coach thing I’m about to write, but if you want to get a step closer to healing or growing whatever it is you want to heal or grow - apply 1% more loving and compassion to yourself.

No matter what you are working on or working towards, I promise, it will help.

Worth vs Value vs Fee - An Important Distinction for Buyers and Sellers Alike

A friend of mine recently moved across the country. After researching many different ways to get his belongings to his new city, he settled on a moving company. 

This company did not give him the cheapest quote by any means. In fact, it was the highest quote he received. 

However, there were other things at play. It was a flat fee - meaning that delays or breakdowns or other issues would not increase his rate. In his interactions with them, they were incredibly detail-oriented, thorough, and above all, consistent.

And the icing on the cake? They had over-quoted him - on purpose. They inflated the initial quote to account for any issues or miscommunications in the phone call. But, on the day of the move, my friend was informed that he would have to pay less than he was quoted.

Value is not universal.

My friend selected this moving company because their fee matched the value of their service - for him. 

For HIM.

I can not say this loudly enough.

You may be different. You may have wanted to take your chances with the company that offered a lower quote but didn’t offer a fixed price. You may have wanted to rent a U-Haul and drive across the country. You may have wanted to sell all of your belongings and start fresh in the new city.

For you, this moving company’s fee may not have matched the value of their service. Because for you and your lifestyle, the service they were providing wasn’t actually that valuable.

And that’s absolutely okay. In fact, it’s better than okay.

It’s exactly how it should be.

A brief dictionary break

For the purposes of this post, we are going to differentiate and define the following words:

Fee: The actual $$ amount that something costs. This is decided by the service provider or seller. It is usually based on a variety of factors: market rates, seller’s costs, perceived value, supply and demand - to name a few.

Value: What one actually gains from a service or a product. This is decided by the person who consumes a service or a product. It is usually based on a variety of factors: the consumer’s lifestyle, personal value system, whether or not they show up to or use the product or service - to name a few.

Estimated Value: What one assumes they will gain from a service or a product. This is somewhat decided by the consumer and their experience - and is often heavily influenced by marketing tactics. A difference often occurs, in both directions, between Perceived Value and Value. 

Worthiness: One’s inherent value as a human being. There is no scale or ranking for this, and it is a given for every human. Everyone is inherently worthy. Period.

Worth it: Short hand for the equation “Fee + Value = X” or “Fee + Estimated Value = X”. Sounds like it is related to worthiness, but it is not.

Bringing it into focus

I have seen the blurring of these five words and phrases cause enormous amounts of pain, uncertainty, and anger in countless people - consumers and sellers alike.

For example, I have definitely been in many situations where I have purchased something - a service or a product - and have experienced severe disappointment. The thing wasn’t what I expected. I felt duped. 

Best case scenario, I became more suspicious - of everything. Worst case scenario, I blamed myself - for being stupid, for not knowing enough, for having unrealistic expectations, you name it.

In reality, it was simple. The Estimated Value didn’t match the Value. That’s all. Once I knew that, I could look at the factors behind Estimated Value and Value, see where the breakdown really occurred, and determine how to prevent it in the future. 

Am I particularly susceptible to certain marketing techniques that were employed? Did I assume that the Value someone else assigned to the product or service would automatically translate to me - even though we lead very different lives? 

For me, it ended up being that I needed to define the Value I wanted to see in my life before engaging with the product or service. For you, it might be different. 

To the service providers in the room

You may have missed it above, but a reminder about the definition of Value:

You do not decide the value of your work. Your client does.

This is very important to understand.

You get to decide how you are going to show up. You get to decide what service you are going to provide. You get to decide your fee. You get to recommend how a client needs to show up in order to maximize the potential value they receive.

But at the end of the day, the person who you are serving is going to determine the value of your work for them. And if they determine that your service is not valuable to them - they are not wrong. You are not wrong. It doesn’t mean they are dumb. It doesn’t mean you need to rethink your entire approach. It doesn’t mean anything.

It just means that that person is not your audience. Even if you thought they were - they’re not.

If you have ever had the thought “But how could they not see I’m worth it! I’m providing so much VALUE!” - I urge you to give this thought exercise a try. 

Because the thing is - the more that you allow your clients and potential clients the freedom to determine their own definition of value, the less defensive you will become.

And the less defensive you become, the more you will be able to show up in service.

And the more you show up in service, the more you will attract your ideal client. 

Unfortunately, I can’t fix the English language.

English is a notoriously vague language. Our love of pronouns and multi-definition words make the grey area in our communication enormous. 

But especially on the topic of worth and value, clarity matters. So, if you are experiencing frustration or uncertainty - I urge you to commit to specificity.

I’ve found that it’s the only way I can really make sure I know what I’m talking about.

Bread and The Daily Magic We Create

I love magic.

I have never personally tried to master any tricks of illusion. And I’m not even that shocked when my mind’s perspective is skillfully manipulated (I mean, social media does that to all of us on a daily basis).

What fascinates me about the craft of illusion is that humans along the way had the capacity to create it.

Hear me out. If nowadays someone wants to learn to make a quarter “disappear”, they have a practiced context to refer to. They can refer to a book or a person and learn exactly how to hold the quarter, and exactly how to move it, in order to trick the observer. Usually, this means practicing a series of precisely choreographed maneuvers over and over again until finally, the illusion begins to take shape.

But at some point, someone had to choreograph the steps. Before there was any resource or expert on the matter, a human being had the capacity to not only see the gaps in our collective perception, but also create something that catered to those gaps. 

When you really think about it, that’s the magical part of magic - humans made the art of illusion quite literally appear out of thin air.

It’s not just magic that is magical.

I was recently telling a friend all about my fascination with magic, when he chimed in with a thought.

“You know what I want to know?” he asked. “Who came up with the idea of bread?”

Right?! 

Even though I now know that Egyptians invented bread around 8000 BC (woah), the question remains. Who was the person who looked at a wheat plant and thought, “You know what? I could do something with this.”

Even if you are avoiding carbs…..

This question of “Who came up with the idea of bread?” is actually a very important question to dig into.

Most of us, myself included, can really struggle with applying gratitude to the situations and perspectives that need it most. Most of us, myself included, can struggle with large-scale concepts that promise to give us a more peaceful life - such as trust, detachment, possibility, and true self-belief. 

So, we start to look outwards for the answers. Not from a place of curiosity or creation - but from a place of scarcity, grasping, and desperation. 

And in doing so, we start to lose out on the magic that shows up in our everyday life. 

At one point in history, someone ground wheat, mixed it with water, cooked it, and served it for the first time. At the time, it probably seemed unremarkable. But today, we are able to see that it was in fact magical. 

Bread is just the beginning.

When we are open to seeing it, there is magic in everything around us. And within that magic lies the peace, stability, security, and love that we are all looking for.

Take this friend for example - the one who asked me about the bread. He was introduced to me by another friend of mine after I made an off-handed remark about my increasing philanthropic interests. The bread friend then introduced me to his organization - where I have met new friends, new clients, and new role models. 

Because of these connections, I travelled to new places, experienced new things, developed new skills, and even had the opportunity to reconnect with old connections in new ways - leading to even more newness in my life.

This is only the manifestation of one moment with one connection in my life. Everything I have and experience can be traced back to a seemingly small point of origin - something as simple as saying hello to a stranger, applying to a job, attending an event. The same is likely true for you, too.

When we can see and appreciate the magic that we have already created in our lives, it becomes infinitely easier to bear witness to the magic we create every day. And when we are able to experience that level of abundance and support - it is truly, in my opinion, the best thing since sliced bread.

How We Make Money Weird - as portrayed by Skittles

Humans, in general, are pretty skilled at making conversations about money super weird. 

Asking for more, informing someone about your limited budget, setting rates, negotiating terms. All of these situations are hotspots for weirdness.

Skittles are simple. Very few people, if any, get weird about Skittles. Skittles are great! Little bundles of rainbow-colored sugar. Sometimes people want Skittles, sometimes people don’t. Sometimes people don’t have any Skittles. Sometimes people share Skittles. 

So, here are some ultra weird conversations about Skittles. 

Spoiler alert: they are actually really common conversations that we see occur about money. Dollar amounts have just been replaced with Skittles. Other metaphors sprinkled throughout.

You didn’t say you wanted any, Alice.

Joe: “Want to come to my party?”

Alice: “I’m definitely interested. Will you be giving out Skittles?”

Joe: “Nope!”

Alice: “Oh, okay, yeah I’ll come.”

{Later, at the party}

Alice to herself: “What a sh*tty party! I can’t believe I came all this way and didn’t get any Skittles!”

It’s not a reflection on you, Mike.

Ben: “Want to come to my party?”

Mike: “Sure!”

{Later, at the party}

Mike: “Hey man, I’m going to head out. Great to see you.”

Ben: “Yeah, thanks for coming. Here take some Skittles!”

{Next Day}

Mike to himself: “I assumed Ben was going to give me 6 Skittles. I wanted 6 Skittles. But he only gave me 4. I can’t believe he did that. Was I a bad guest? Should I not expect 6 Skittles in the future? Maybe I should just give up on Skittles.”

Don’t sound so enthused, Linda.

Linda to herself: “I’m making gingerbread houses for underserved children. Some Skittles would really make these gingerbread rooftops pop and bring extra joy to these children!”

Carrie: “How’s it going, Linda!”

What Linda wants to say to Carrie: “Hey! Great! I’m actually making these gingerbread houses for underserved children and am collecting Skittles to add to the rooftops. Do you happen to have Skittles? Or do you know where I might be able to find some?”

What Linda actually says to Carrie: “Oh… you know…. making a gingerbread house. It’s silly really but - Carrie! Have you seen Bridgerton?!”

Stop projecting, Bob.

Edgar: “Thanks for the 5 Skittles you give me every day, Bob. I love them so much. If it’s possible, I’d love to get 6 Skittles a day - is that something we could talk about someday?”

Bob to himself: “AH! Finding 5 Skittles a day to give Edgar is so much work - what if I promise to give him 6 Skittles a day and I can’t do it and then he will hate me and/or I will be a failure.

Bob to Edgar: “I can’t believe you asked for 6 Skittles a day! Honestly, there are days where I think you’re only deserving of 4 Skittles.”

There’s more to life, Oscar.

Rachel: “How have you been, Oscar?”

Oscar: “Great! I’ve decided to get more Skittles. I got 5 bags last week, and this week I’m going for 10!”

Rachel: “Wow, Oscar, that’s cool. What else have you been up to?”

Oscar: “I’m really into Skittles right now. There’s so much possibility in Skittles. Once I get 100 bags of Skittles, everything will be easier. Then I can relax. I’ll be more happy. I’ll have more freedom.”

Rachel: “I don’t think that’s how Skittles work?”

Oscar: “You just have to shift your Skittles mindset, Rachel.”

Moral of the story - Skittles aren’t weird - and neither is money.

We make money weird because of how we speak about it, interact with it, and interact with each other in the presence of it.

So, if you’re trying to figure out how to make money less weird, think about Skittles. Make it simple. Act accordingly.

If you're squirming, it's working. - Part four of my story

I was recently having a conversation with a client about hard work. The client explained how they were having difficulty making space in their calendar for themselves - space to journal, space to study, space to reflect, space to rest.

“I’m used to achieving success through hard work,” they said. 

“I see,” I replied. “And so you’re saying that doing the self work is difficult, right?”

“Yes,” they replied. 

“So,” I said. “It seems like this is right up your alley. If focusing on the inner work is hard for you - it is in fact hard work.”

They were not as amused by my logic as I was. Shocking, I know.

Work

I get messages from new coaches every month that read along the lines of, “This coaching thing is hard!”

Yeah. It is. But not for the reasons we are initially able to realize.

Take me for example. Working for other people was a general disaster for me. I am so much better suited to working for myself - and SO much happier in doing so.

Yet, when I stopped working for other people, I had to face a harsh reality.

Working for other people gave me a lot of unsuspecting parties to project my problems onto. Feeling stressed? Must be my unreasonable boss. Feeling unsupported? Must be my flakey coworkers. Feeling undervalued? Must be that terrible company culture.

Were all of these things true? Sure, at times. But did that absolve me of my ability to take responsibility for myself? I sure wanted to believe it did. 

Woke

Becoming a coach pushes one into the same kind of awakening. And it’s often wildly uncomfortable. While everyone is different, some of the same themes emerge.

One of the biggest themes that comes up is the idea of value - how we define it and how we prove it.

Coaching is, in many ways, an invisible and intangible profession. What I mean is, there is no curriculum for what occurs in a coaching container. There is no script. There are techniques, sure, but the “best” technique won’t be the best technique for every client.

Coaching is also very intimate. As a coach, it’s only you and the client. Oftentimes, effective coaching makes the client very uncomfortable, even upset. Sometimes, that means they will project that discomfort or upset onto the only other thing in the room - you. 

And then there’s the entrepreneurial aspect. Things like money, image, exposure all start to enter into the equation. It’s one thing to show up in service in practice, but to show up in service when your own inner scarcity mentality is screaming at you that you have to pay the bills - that’s a whole other skill set.

When I think about the difficulty and discomfort in becoming a coach, I think about the title of the John Kabbat-Zinn book - Wherever You Go, There You Are.

Without coworkers, without a boss, without a concrete one-size-fits-all method - a coach has nothing left to project their “stuff” onto. Their coaching practice will inevitably take on all of the qualities and limiting beliefs of the coach.

It becomes the most honest kind of mirror.

And that’s hard.

Welcome

This is not intended to be a doom and gloom post, nor is it intended to make the profession of coaching sound unattainable. It is attainable. 

For many, the discomfort of growing as a coach is much more bearable than the discomfort of growing in another profession.

But if you’re sitting there thinking, “Ah! I’m so uncomfortable! This is so hard! I must be doing something wrong,” then this post is for you. 

Discomfort is a part of the game. Welcome.

It’s what you decide to do with that discomfort that will ultimately dictate your success - in your profession and in your life. 

Welp.

Since this post is technically supposed to be a continuation of my personal story, here are some things that have made, or continue to make me feel really uncomfortable in the process of growing as a professional coach.

In no particular order:

• Having free time on my calendar

• Having a calendar that feels too full

• Investing in my own growth

• Charging money for my services

• Not charging money for my services

• Raising my prices

• Lowering my prices

• Connecting with people in my network

• Meeting strangers

• Emotions. My emotions, their emotions, anyone’s emotions.

• Being in my professional self instead of my social self

• Eliminating people pleasing tendencies

• Resisting the urge to “prove” myself by overpromising

And on and on and on and on…..

See, you’re not alone. I promise.

We are almost at the end! The fifth, and final, part of my story (for now) to follow.

Intermission

If you look back at my blog, you will see that I am smack dab in the middle of a five part story. You will also see that I have not posted in 10 days, creating a resounding pause in the story’s flow.

Talk about online marketing and audience building blasphemy!

It’s particularly scandalous since the 5-part story is playing a crucial role in a small group I’ve been quietly enrolling into alongside the posts.

One would think I would feel some kind of urgency or moral responsibility to get. it. done. (Especially with the increasingly pervasive and pressurized hustle culture hanging over our social media feeds and email inboxes like a black cloud of smog.)

Alas, here I am. Not with part 4 of the story - which will eventually come. But with an important message from my own personal intermission.

Your life is not behind the screen you’re reading this on right now. Your life is away from it.

Please take the time to live it.

This is not one of those posts…

…where I state my points, share corresponding anecdotes, and tie everything up in a neat bow.

This is a simpler kind of post. A PSA. A pinch to make sure you are aware of the messaging that is running through your head.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a (sometimes more successfully than others) recovering workaholic. I’m not saying log off forever. I’m not saying there aren’t opportunities to connect with people online. I’m not saying you don’t love your job.

I get it. I love my job.

I’m saying there is a world out there - yes even in this pandemic - that is likely aching for your attention. A world where interest and curiosity exists for the sake of interest and curiosity - not for the purpose of extending your reach or building your business or making more money.

How much time do you spend in that world?

Is that really enough?

For me, it wasn’t.

I’ll leave you with a list.

Here are some of the things I’ve been doing instead of writing Part 4 of my story. And while I do intend on eventually writing Part 4, I don’t intend on shrinking this list. I intend on expanding it. Fervently.

• Reading. A lot. And not just business books - but fiction and poetry and classics that I pretended to read in high school.

• Watching movies. Not as background noise, but purposefully. And live texting the person who recommended them with all of my reactions!

• Learning how to cook a french omelette. It’s going better than I thought. But there is still a long way to go.

• Decorating my home office. This has been a remarkable and honestly surprising improvement to my work life happiness.

• Celebrating a the birth of a close friend’s new baby.

• Going on long, long walks. Without music or podcasts playing in the background.

• Daydreaming with friends about the future possibilities in life.

• Connecting with old friends - slowly and one at a time. Just because.

• Sitting in nature in silence and thinking. Lots of silence. Lots of thinking. Lots of nature. Lots of digesting.

The list goes on and on and gets even more mundane.

The result? My life has become instantly richer. Not because I’ve taken a vacation. Not because I’ve taken a retreat.

But because I’ve been mindful to not confuse the online world for my actual life.

(And for those of you who are wondering - my work has not suffered. So, let’s nip that fear voice right in the bud)

If you’re feeling fatigued, or burnt out, or dissatisfied, or stressed - I suggest you do the same. Turn off the computer. Go live your life. You might be surprised.

And please send me any omelette tips you have. They are welcome and appreciated.

A coach ... with a coach?! Part three of my story.

Whack-a-mole. 

What a terribly stressful game. 

Every time I stumbled across this game as a child, I genuinely wondered what the point of it was. I’m supposed to pay money to smack a plastic gopher - just to have it pop up again?

The stress of it all. I’d much rather pay money to have the small animal stay in its hole. 

Problem solved!

All jokes aside…

Overcoming a massive obstacle only to have a new obstacle pop up a few feet away is not a great feeling. Especially when it happens again and again and again.

Yet, this is the exact cycle I see a lot of coaches trudging through in the first couple years of their career. Time and time again, I was hearing different versions of the same story - and I couldn’t figure out why:

• That person who invested in a coaching certification program and now had no idea how to actually get clients to pay them.

• That person who invested in marketing programs yet didn’t know how to have an actual enrollment call.

• That person who successfully enrolled their first client but had no idea what to do with them long term.

Not only could I not figure out why this was becoming such a common problem, I also felt ashamed. I had somehow avoided this cycle in my own development as a coach…and I didn’t know why. 

Until one day, I figured it out.

All of the issues presented above stem from a lack of holistic support. But, more than that, all of the issues presented above stem from a lack of awareness that holistic support is beneficial - or even what it looks like.

I had been lucky in my own early days as a coach because the support I received served all parts of my growth as a coach simultaneously. I had no idea at the time, but what it afforded me was the ability to contextualize my journey into a larger picture from the beginning. 

I was learning about coaching skills, marketing skills, enrollment skills, and business skills simultaneously all while doing my own inner work. 

Plus, I was learning all of these skills from a wide variety of people. This helped me to reenforce the idea that there was no “right way” to do things - that I was ultimately endeavoring to grow into the best version of myself.

Below, I’m going to share about the team that helped to support me in my first year of development as a professional coach. 

It’s worth acknowledging up front - there are aspects of luck and privilege in this story. Some of the people on my team demanded high fees, and for a variety of reasons, I was given low-cost or free access to some of them for many months. I can’t change my own story, but it does not negate the point I’m trying to make about the power of awareness.

When we know the full picture of what we need, we can often find accessible resources to fill in that full picture - at any price point. However, when we aren’t aware the big picture, we are more inclined to put all of our eggs in one basket… and find ourself stuck on the other end.

My Coaching Skills Support Team

While every ounce of coaching support I received gave me access to a wide variety of coaching skills, I also had a unique opportunity in my own development. I grew into my role as a coach while working at a company owned by two women who had decades of experience coaching. Not only were they my very first coaching colleagues and support system, they also were my real time teachers. 

I learned coaching by listening to them coach their paying clients. I refined my skills by having them listen to me coach my paying clients. Outside of the calls, I was able to prepare and reflect with them.  

So often, coaches endeavor to apply skills that they witness or read about, but don’t have real time support while putting those skills to practice. This is, in my opinion, a mistake. Coaching is unpredictable because people are unpredictable - so the hands-on guidance of a more experienced coach can significantly expedite a newbie’s growth.

My Enrollment Skills Support Team

One of the most invaluable experiences of my development was participating in a group program focused on the art of enrollment. Not the art of marketing. Not the art of coaching (though that was also covered). The art of leading prospective clients through the process of discovering if you would like to work together or not.

And it is an art.

Comfort and confidence in the enrollment process directly correlates to sustainability and fulfillment wishing your coaching practice. And yet, many programs for coaches are focused on visibility and marketing OR coaching skills, and approach enrollment like it’s copy and paste formula. This often leaves new coaches feeling lost as they have a large following, and have highly developed coaching skills - yet can’t seem to turn a profit.

This group was also helpful because it gave me access to a) multiple high-level coaches who worked with the participants intensively throughout a span of 6 months, and b) a community of coaches, many of whom I would lean on for support in the years to come.

My Marketing Skills Support Team

I am personally not a heavy marketer in my own business, so many clients of mine are surprised to discover that I can sketch out a marketing launch plan at the drop of a hat. This is because I’ve had the training! And most of it occurred in my first year of coaching.

For the first year of my coaching development, I was leading marketing launches for the group programs my company was putting out there. One of the owners of the company had already invested a significant amount of time and money into marketing programs and coaching, and spent a fair amount of time offloading and training me up in her knowledge. Additionally, I attended a couple marketing retreats, took a few copywriting courses, and followed reputable online marketing gurus to build my knowledge up in this area.

Learning about the principles of online marketing, and immersing myself in this world that was uncomfortable for me, gave me more confidence as I started to back away from aggressive online marketing.

Why? Well, because I knew the fundamentals of the process, I also knew where I could bend. I knew what I could take and what I could leave. I wasn’t left wondering if I was avoiding online marketing, I knew that I simply was choosing another route.

My Inner Work Support Team

This section could be an entire blog post, but I’ll try to make it succinct.

Nearly the entire time I’ve been a coach, I’ve had an individual coach. We work on all of the above and more. Business, family, friendships, romance, goals - you name it, we cover it.

Why is this important? Well, in the coaching container, it’s just me and my client. The more blindspots I have, the more it impacts my ability to hold a strong space for my client. The more of my own baggage I carry with me, the more likely it is that I will subconsciously avoid major coaching opportunities with my clients out of fear that they may trigger me.

Coaches are in the self-help profession, so it’s imperative that they help themselves. Having an individual coach is the quickest way to accomplish that.

Additionally, my first year of being a coach, I attended three workshops and seminars run by expert coaches. In the most transformational session I attended all year, I experienced a personal breakthrough that led to me supporting my clients on an instantly deeper level.

Finally, I have had the support of an energy worker through my entire journey as a coach.

This is a part of my team that five-year-ago me would have judged significantly. But here’s what I’ve found. Most sustainably successful business people consider their energy management to be a significant part of their company. They typically just don’t shout it from the rooftops.

Also, quite frankly - I don’t care. Consciously working on my energy - through meditation, awareness, cleansing, and energizing - has always led to indisputable results in my business, often instantly. And having a partner in that work is essential for recovering workaholics like me who have a history of reaching a place of depletion more often than is helpful.

Also and finally

The list above is not even the complete list. Through that entire first year of my development, I was also being coached by an executive coach in my brand new CEO role. We were working on shifting company culture - not related to my development as a coach at all. However, the experience definitely made an impact on me.

I spent, and still do spend, hours of my life watching videos, listening to audio recordings, and reading books which inspire me, give me greater insight into the human experience, and serve as resources for my clients.

I had a therapist, who I loved, for most of my first year as a coach.

I surround myself with coaching colleagues who I admire. I surround myself with supportive friends who may not have always understood what I do for a living, but have always encouraged me to follow my instinct, guidance, and passion.

A strong coach is not created in a vacuum.

And a strong coaching practice definitely requires support and growth from many sides. Rising tides raise all ships. When you intentionally line as many of the ships up as possible from the beginning - the more you grow, the more your coaching practice will grow. Plain and simple.

If you are a newish coach you may be reading this and thinking “Well sh*t - I can’t afford all of that! That sounds expensive. I still have a full time job I’m keeping while I start my coaching business.”

As Marie Forleo says - everything is figureoutable. And finding your own specific coaching development “starter pack” is no exception. Nearly everything I listed above is accessible in some way, shape, or form at nearly every level of price and time commitment.

If you don’t know where to start, shoot me an email. I’m happy to point you in some directions. You have definitely got this.

Part 4 of my story will be about the biggest moments of discomfort in my journey.

A biggggggggg shout out to all of the people mentioned in this post who were a part of my OG team, including: Amy Hruby, Carolyn Freyer-Jones, Amber Kryzs, Julia Levitan, Jennifer Rosenfeld, and Cody Engstrom.

The embarrassment! - part two of my story

A therapist I was seeing my junior year of college once challenged me to go a day without wearing makeup. 

It was horrible.

It was not as though I had a makeup addiction. And I wasn’t ashamed of what my face looked like underneath the paint. I had a different sort of problem.

I was addicted to control.

And not only that, I was committed to the delusion that the more in control I was - of myself, of my appearance, of my surroundings - the more worthy I was. 

My therapist had caught on. She pointed out that my obsession with appearing “put together” was holding me back in more ways than one. 

I had no conceivable idea what she could possibly be talking about.

Eventually, I figured it out.

Nowadays, I end up speaking with a lot of new(ish) coaches who remark, with a fair amount of surprise, how much more difficult the career is than they had originally thought. They seem almost ashamed when they tell me this, as though they are admitting a scandalous secret.

And I understand. Of course they’re confused. 

These days, one can toss a pebble and hit both a coach who is touting the magical ease with which they built their thriving practice as well as a handful of programs painting coaching as the latest get rich quick scheme.

But, not once - not ever - have I met a successful professional coach who hasn’t had a prolific series of cringe-worthy moments in their past. And in many ways, this is what makes them successful.

The lessons we learn in the dirt, on the field, are the greatest lessons we can experience. And if we are shooting for the perfection and sheen that we see on social media or in marketing campaigns, we won’t allow ourselves to get messy.

Sure, if we don’t fumble at all in the process of growing our coaching practice, we get to feel like we are in control. We get to feel put together.

But will that lead to us having a thriving coaching practice, or even confidence in our coaching abilities? 

Most likely not.

Bless the mess.

I genuinely can not count the number of embarrassing and awkward moments that I have made in my development as a coach. I have also had the benefit of having a network of mentors, coaches, and peers who are open with me about their messes and mistakes - so that I may learn from their experience as well.

However, every messy situation I’ve ended up in has led to immeasurable growth and invaluable experience. So, in this post, I’m going to share two of the biggest fears I hear about from newer coaches, and my own less than perfect history with each of these topics. 

I hope that if you’re reading this as a coach, it will make you feel less alone and more inspired to take risks. Even when it feels like you’re a total mess. Especially when it feels like you’re a total mess!

Fear #1: What if they say I’m not worth it?

This fear often comes up when new coaches are feeling conflicted about setting their rates. Inevitably, it boils down to a fear that the person on the other end of the phone will tell them what they fear most - that they are not worthy of their fees or as a person.

Well, I have been directly told that I’m not worth it by a prospective client. More than once! And I’ve got to tell you - this is a scenario of the bark is way worse than the bite.

However, for years, I was terrified that someone would bluntly reject me and say these feared words. So, to avoid it, I bent every which way to have looser boundaries, lower fees, and offer more services that I thought would make me “worth it.”  

And you know what? People still rejected me. And for those who did work with me, they didn’t get the the focus they deserved - because my attention and energy were scattered everywhere trying to please everyone. 

Ultimately, this led to a client firing me. Not because they didn’t want to pay money. Not because I hadn’t offered them enough to make our work worth it. But because, in all of the excitement and energy of trying to figure out how to be everything for everyone, I was not there for my client. I was simply not present. And so she left.

If you are caught in this trap of trying to avoid rejection in your coaching practice, I implore you stop. Rejection is a part of the entrepreneurship game. And, as a coach, your bandwidth is the most important thing. It’s what your clients are paying for. 

Any time you’re spending worrying about the future is time you’re not focused on serving your clientele. Period. 

So stop worrying so much about what those who have not hired you will think and start serving those who you are working with. It will serve you much better in the long run.

Fear #2: What if they think I’m being too salesy? 

This is something I think about often, both because I’m easily sleazed out by sales tactics, and also because I tend to use more low key sales tactics in my own business.

But here’s the thing that those close to me know - I’ve done it all. Social media, email campaigns, marketing launches, cold calls, word of mouth enrollment - you name it, I’ve done it.

And it hasn’t been comfortable.

Are there enrollment conversations I’ve had where I’ve wanted to crawl into a hole afterwards because of how awkward I felt? Yup. Are there emails I’ve sent that have felt absolutely painful to read in hindsight? Absolutely. 

Have I been off-putting to people close to me in the process of building my business? I would bet money that I have.

But, inevitably, when we are willing to continue to try new things and be in the awkwardness and attempt to grow - we grow. We adapt. We find what works for us.

When we are afraid of coming across as “too” anything - too pushy, too salesy, too intense, too much - we don’t come across as anything at all. We neither push anyone away nor attract anyone to us.

We avoid taking uncomfortable action until we can’t stand the lack of results any longer - and then when we ultimately pitch our services, we come across as needy and awkward because we are out of practice and need the money. In other words, we come across as salesy - and we feel it! So the cycle continues.

If it makes it any easier, what I know is that people are pretty forgiving. Again, am I sure I’ve been off-putting to some in my life in the process of building my coaching practice? Yes, I’m pretty certain. But, have I lost important connections in my life as a result? No - I haven’t. Most people don’t. 

So give yourself a break, and try it all out. Don’t limit yourself to just one method - try everything. Get messy. Be awkward. 

Will it be wildly uncomfortable? Yes! But, it will push you to learn and grow faster, which ultimately is what you - and your clients - want.

Part 3 of this story will shed light on what I believe to be the most important part of my own development as a coach - the team I built up around me. Stay tuned.

You can read part one here.

Effortlessly difficult: a story in five parts

I love stories.

In times of pain, grief, or even celebration - the stories of others have shown me the lessons I have not yet learned. They help me to contextualize my picture within the collage of the human experience. They help me to feel less alone.

When I listen to a story, I tend not to care so much about the what. (e.g. What school did they go to? What type of company did they build? What did they do, step by step, to amass their fortune?) To me, the what is often of little consequence and not where the true lessons are.

When I listen to a story, I want to know the how and why. I want to know how it felt at every step of the journey and why they chose path A over path B. I want to know how they found it in themselves to take the risks they took and why they kept going even when it seemed impossible. 

The how and the why are transferable. They are translatable to all of our lives. 

A story of my own

In the coming week(s), I’m going to share a large part of my story. Specifically, the story of how I became a coach.

A warning that this is a story about four very clumsy, messy, and often painful years. So, if you’re looking for a story filled with magical epiphanies and aspirational effortlessness - this may not be the story for you.

And while it’s a story about my journey in becoming a coach - it’s more about the lessons I learned along the way. 

So, if you’re a coach, perhaps you will see a bit of yourself in my story.

And if you’re not, perhaps you will see a bit of yourself as well. 

You let me know.

Anywhere but here

Part one of my story takes place in the fall of 2015. It was a miserable time in my career. 

At that point in my life, I was an experienced achiever and planner who always had plans A through Z strategically stacked up. I believed that if I worked hard and stuck to my plan, I would be rewarded accordingly. This, I believed, would make me happy.

Then, a series of unfortunately timed events swiftly upended my belief system. Suddenly, I was working harder than I had ever worked, yet I was being rewarded less. I was very much not happy.

It was clear. There were only two options: stay in my current job or go anywhere else. 

So I left. Or at least, I tried to. In October of 2015, I applied for over 70 jobs. I interviewed for 3 of them. I was offered none of them. 

Right after a particularly crushing moment where I received news in early 2016 that my “perfect” job was in fact offered to someone else, I met Jennifer and Julia. 

And perhaps, had I not been in such a bad place when I met them, I wouldn’t have told them so much about the state of limbo my career was in. And perhaps if I had not told them about my struggles, they would not have thought to tell me about their hiring struggles on the coaching/consulting side of their business.

And perhaps then, they would not have hired me.

Who knows?

I was at iCadenza for nearly 5 years, full of so many experiences and lessons, but those first months will always feel so special. Mostly because in many ways, we all had no idea what we were doing.

I will clarify - Julia and Jennifer very much knew what they were doing in terms of the work they were delivering to their clients. They had already been in business for over 5 years themselves. 

However, they had never onboarded someone to “do what they did”. And I had certainly never done it. 

So we just started. First, they tried to tell me as much as they could about what they did and how they did it. And then, they simply showed me.

“What they did” was technically career consulting for musicians. But really, a large portion of it was coaching - something I wouldn’t really realize or come to terms with for another year or so.

At the time, all I knew was what I was learning each day about these clients and about this business model. And I was happy! 

In a time where work felt so heavy and so synonymous with feeling disappointed and stuck - my five iCadenza hours each week felt interesting. They felt exploratory and joyful and flexible. And so I stuck with them.

It would be another couple of years filled with lessons and a different full time job before I would make the leap towards a full-time role at iCadenza. It would take another 9 months after that leap before I would really consider myself a coach. And nearly a year after that before I would consider myself a professional coach. But that’s another story for another day.

Just one step

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve had a historically rough time with making large proclamations or declaring my goals in a big way. It’s like, I struggle to experience the excitement of them without feeling the extraordinary weight of them.  

There is something delightfully dramatic and instantly satisfying about declaring who we are from this day forward. But, it’s my experience that the initial boost of inspiration quickly turns to overwhelm. After the excitement wears off, it’s easy to start to compare our current selves to our aspirational selves, and then feel exhausted by the road ahead.

Whenever I feel a sense of heaviness around what the future holds, I think about the first days of my coaching career. It started in such a small and silent way. There was no proclamation, no expectation, no strategy. Just a quest for a little more happiness in my career, and a step each day in that direction.

I’ll wrap it up with a metaphor, as I like to do. Here it is:

The fabric of our future is ultimately made up of the threads we carry with us every day. It’s just that simple. 

So, if you are aware of thread you are carrying now that you don’t want in your future fabric, drop it. 

If you want to weave a different fabric, but you don’t know what kind, start picking up a new type of thread each day. Carry it with you for a little bit. Be willing to drop it if it’s not what you thought it would be. 

One thread, each day. Try it on. Keep it. Or don’t.

The only failure is not moving forward. The only failure is pretending to know about thread that you’ve never tried before. The only failure is mindlessly keeping thread around because you feel like you should. 

The only failure is focusing on other people’s fabric instead of weaving your own.

If you feel stuck, or you want a change, just take a step. It doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be anything except for one step. See where it takes you. 

You might be surprised.

Part 2 of my story will come someday at some time, and will be all about mistakes - like the blog version of those videos where a cat tries to jump on a christmas tree and face plants instead

An important message for your happiness

Earlier this year, my high school friends and I gathered on Zoom once a week to watch our friend compete on a well-known baking competition show.

As we watched, and commented to each other during the commercial breaks, we always asked her the same question.

“What actually happened there?”

We all listened intently as she described the ways in which TV magic turns a week of intensive filming with non-actors, crummy weather, and buzzing insects into a beautiful, exciting, and aspirational product.

To be frank, the details she shared of reality were pretty unexciting. There were no backstage tantrums or fights. 

But we all knew that what we were watching, while called a “reality” show, was a highly curated accumulation of carefully selected moments. We knew that while the contestants were real people and not actors, that simple editing and positioning could manipulate the story line drastically to create an enticing and intriguing product.

All of us knew it before we even asked. You probably know it too.

So why then, do most of us choose to believe that what we see on social media is an accurate reflection of reality - especially in those moments when it’s making us miserable?

I’m not anti social media.

But I am anti unnecessary misery.

And after a year that has been very heavy for humanity as a whole, I’m watching a lot of people beat themselves up more than ever. The weapon? Their social media feed.

Just like reality television is primarily television disguised as reality, social media is primarily a form of media disguised as a social experience. Most of us are aware that media is always a curated event. And most of us are also aware the marketing plays a heavy role in nearly all forms of media we ingest.

Social media is no different. And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I’m a consumer of all types of media. I, too, was glued to my television through the election. I read multiple news outlets every morning and watch tons of television every day. 

However, the difference is, when I see a pair of Beats headphones mysteriously pop up in the middle of a Jason Derulo music video, I am aware of what is happening. I know that I’m being marketed to.

When I watch Carrie Bradshaw live the life of a multimillionaire as a *struggling* freelance writer on Sex and the City, I don’t compare my financial situation and standard of living to her.

But social media is different. It’s easier to forget the media aspect of it. We think - the people are real so the experience they’re projecting must be real.

And then we compare ourselves against it. Even if what we see isn’t purposefully toxic. Especially if what we see is being delivered by someone we know and like in real life.

It’s not only not helpful. It’s incredibly destructive. And in a year where it should be more obvious than ever that simply showing up every day is an enormous accomplishment - so many people are feeling the pressures of social media now more than ever.

Maybe you see a post about how productive someone was this year and you think, “What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I achieve that?”

Maybe someone you know looks so blissful and happy in their posts, and you think, “Is nobody as sad and tired and stressed as I am?”

Maybe everything you see speaks to gratitude and positive mindset, and you think, “But I’m struggling so much.”

And you start to focus on the “flaws” that your comparison games are pointing out.

Here’s what I know. 

I know that I have intimate conversations with people about all of the ways in which they are deeply struggling. Then, moments later, they post a shiny, happy, insightful post on their social media.

I know that earlier this year I had a profound scarcity meltdown (with full ugly crying and everything) about 15 minutes before I was a guest speaker on a Facebook live. The topic of expertise on which I was speaking? Abundance mindset.

I know that many people love social media - it is a valuable marketing tool for them, it has brought them a ton of business, and it allows them to reach many people at once.

I know many people who die a small death every time they log onto social media, yet feel like they are required to use it to market themselves, bring in business, and reach people.

And above all, I know that social media is never - ever - the full reality. 

Especially when it’s used to market a business, but even when it’s not. Even in this post that I will inevitably post on my social media. It’s just not possible. It’s a two dimensional tool in a three dimensional world. 

And we are all self-curators. 

Radical idea here.

We have a complicated relationship with social media because we have a complicated relationship with ourselves. 

Isn't that how it always goes though?

The people I know who have the most inner confidence have the best relationship with social media. Whether they are using it for social purposes, business purposes, or not at all - it does not affect them in the same way it affects so many people. 

There is no anxiety about logging on, no struggle with logging off, and no apology for however they choose to run their life in association with the social media world.

And that level of peace is not achieved by acquiring any of the things that social media promises us. We do not experience a sense of self-esteem and belonging by earning more money, getting more followers, or liking more posts.

We get it by looking inwards. We get it by starting a dialogue with ourselves. We get it by picking up a journal, going for a walk, and getting in touch with what it is we really want in life.

Then, and only then, can we really start living it.

.

Hang in there. You’re doing great.

Chiron: A lesson from the horse's mouth

I love mythology. I always have. 

I remember my high school summer reading list one year contained this huge book called “Mythology” by Edith Hamilton. I begrudgingly read every other book on that list, but my reward was reading Mythology. And not just reading it - dissecting it. I must have filled two binders with notes on that book for nobody but myself.

When I think about it, falling in love with mythology was the foreshadowing to my inevitable interest in astrology. The way I experience it, astrology places categorized labels on energetic archetypes and the timeless lessons they bring. 

As humans, we all tend to subscribe to exceptionalism - either subtly or overtly - and sometimes can get too wrapped up in our own “special” circumstances and feelings. In reality, the human race has #beentheredonethat, and throughout the centuries we have written countless stories telling future generations the importance of looking at how we show up to the world.

Astrology, like mythology, is one of these story-telling systems. And it’s through astrology, and then through mythology, that I learned about the story of Chiron.

A horse is a horse, of course. Of course!

Chiron was a centaur in greek mythology, but a little more god-like and a lot more immortal. 

Typical centaur energy is like a gaggle of drunk frat boys, but Chiron was more like Mister Rogers - sweet, calm, wise, and very intent on healing the masses. 

He should have been celebrated, but for much of his early life he was an outcast. His parents absolutely hated him.

In fact, his mother was so ashamed of her “weak” son, she threw him out. His uncle Zeus took him in, where Chiron started to live his best life - and everyone around him benefitted from it. 

As I mentioned, he was a healer - not just the medical kind, but also psychologically, spiritually, and energetically. Gods, demigods, and heroes all came to Chiron to be healed and learn how to be more woke. Talk about enormous impact - this guy had it.

Unfortunately, there was a big throw down one day with a bunch of centaurs and gods, and Chiron accidentally was hit by a poisoned arrow. Though he was this master healer who could heal anyone and anything - he could not heal himself. 

So, he traded his immortality for his friend Prometheus’ freedom, and ultimately died from his wound.

That’s sad. What’s the point?

The story of Chiron, from his birth to his death, is a giant lesson in the inextricable link between pain and healing.

We humans can have a tendency to see our own pain as a liability. I remember the day my therapist explained to me that “healed” was not a painless destination that I would reach once I purged myself of all past trauma. I was so angry! This pain thing was awful, and embarrassing, and I wanted it gone.

What I later learned, and what is taught through the story of Chiron, is that how we relate to our pain not only changes our ability to thrive, it transforms our ability to help the people around us as well. 

The thing is, when we see our own wounding as a liability, we become obsessed with “fixing” it before moving on with our lives. We become ashamed of it. So, to keep our pain a secret from the world, we shy away from the connection part of our humanity. We try to prove to ourselves and to others that we are fixed and whole and painless. 

And then, when we try to help others who are struggling with their pain and their wounding - we seem to fall short. So we blame our unhealed wounds. And grow even more shameful and closed off.

The story of Chiron reminds us that our deepest wounds are our greatest strengths. The centaurs totally rejected Chiron for the same qualities that allowed him to heal gods. 

Allowed. Him. To. Heal. GODS.

Chiron could have easily been like, “Who am I to help the gods? If only they knew what a reject I am. I need to act even more like a centaur to prove that I’m not some weirdo.” Absolutely, he could have gone down that road. But he didn’t. 

Instead, he saw and accepted his pain. Even though it hurt, he relaxed even more into who he was - insecurities and all. And as a result, they wrote stories about him.

Yes, this is all fiction. But…

Humans, our ancestors, wrote these stories for a reason. Stories help us talk about the hardest lessons to learn. And if there has ever been a year to talk about wounds, it’s 2020.

All of us have something to learn from Chiron. All of us have room to accept the wounds in our story a little bit more. All of us have the ability to be more vulnerable - first with ourselves and then with others.

Because behind your wounds are likely your wildest strengths. And if you refuse to acknowledge and own the pain in your story, we may never get to feel the impact that you have the capacity to create.

What a haircut taught me about trust

For as long as I can remember, I have been blessed by the hairdresser gods.

Over the years, I somehow lucked into befriending high quality hair stylists who provided me with low cost or free hair cuts throughout my twenties.

But when it comes to my hairdresser magic, it all began with Bri. 

Finding clients everywhere

I met Bri in the aisles of a Sephora one afternoon.

“Excuse me,” she said as she handed me her card. “I know this is strange but could I blow dry your hair for free?”

Bri was a student at Vidal Sassoon and she was on a mission to find people with bob haircuts to whom she could give supervised blowouts. I was in grad school at the time, broke and with lots of time on my hands, so I accepted the weird yet harmless offer. 

A few days later, I was sitting in her chair in the chic Newbury Street salon. I learned that Bri was around my age, from LA, and had a much younger brother just like me. She told me about the Sassoon training program and the many steps involved - not just in hair styling but also in business development.

I learned that our interaction at Sephora was not unusual for Bri. Client acquisition was a major emphasis of the Sassoon training. In order to advance to the next level of haircut training, trainees had to secure over 10 people with each haircut type to come in to the salon on specific days of the week. Bri listed off the various locations and tactics she had used to find the people necessary to advance in her training.

“Doesn’t the salon help you find these people?” I asked. The whole process seemed extremely stressful and very awkward.

“No,” she replied. “Besides, part of being a hairdresser is knowing how to build your client base.” 

She went on to explain that even the prestige of the Vidal Sassoon name couldn’t guarantee that clients would just waltz in off the street. Sure, sometimes people would. But the lead stylists with booked schedules were not successful because of Sassoon’s marketing department. They had built most of those client relationships one at a time over years and years.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is loyalty

I speak with a lot of business owners who hope and wish and pray for a situation where pre-enrolled clients will just fall into their laps. They believe that if they didn’t have to worry about getting clients, then they would be free to focus on their “actual” business. 

And this is exactly the point where I see these entrepreneurs veer severely off course from their goals. They want to believe so badly that the process of getting clients is the one thing holding them back, that they pour copious amounts of money and time into the avoidance of building client relationships.

The thing is, most people want a sustainably thriving business. They want to have a reputation for providing dependable value. They want a loyal client base and community. 

And yet, when we start to seek out ways to speed through the client acquisition part, we quickly eliminate the space necessary to build the dependability and loyalty we want. We are opting for instant gratification instead of sustainable success. 

As Bri pointed out - even the most elite, branded, and polished hairdressers don’t rely on people walking in off the street as a sustainable business practice. The stability and the loyalty comes from the relationship building. Even if it’s awkward. Especially when it’s awkward.

Every hurricane begins with a single cloud

Bri was my hairdresser until I left Boston. Even after I left, I would make it a point to get a haircut with her every time I visited. 

I’ve had many hairdressers since, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t cut hair anymore, but if we were ever in the same location again, I would return to her in a heartbeat. I would pay her full rate in a heartbeat. I would refer people to her in a heartbeat.

I mean, here I am 10 years later writing an entire blog post about her. She obviously made an impact in my life.

Entrepreneurs - don’t you want clients like that?

I do.

I want clients who I have a story with - who I have a history with. I want clients who are in the process to grow and create together. I want clients who, after years of not working with me, are still emailing me about their wins.

That longevity, that loyalty, is not built through skipping steps. It’s not built through fast tracking relationships. It’s not even built through expensive branding. It’s built through power of one. 

When you truly focus on the one who is in front of you - and cultivate that relationship, wherever it is at - before you know it, you will be in the eye of a powerful storm that you created.

And you will be unstoppable.

The power of choice

I remember when I first learned about victim mindset. I was working in my first job and my colleague was a connoisseur of blaming others for her unhappiness. Her exhaustion, her endless work hours, her weak boundaries - in her mind, they were all thrust upon her. She could not see how she had any choice in the matter. 

“She has such a victim mindset. That’s her problem,” her coworkers would say when she left the room. 

And just like that, a definition emerged. 

Victim mindset, I deduced, must be when someone is so negative and miserable that they seem to carry a dark cloud around with them. It sounded like an insult - something you would never say directly to another person’s face unless you were trying to hurt them. Negativity and laziness seemed to be symptoms while positivity and action appeared as antidotes. 

That year, I decided that I could never, ever have a victim mindset. Because if I did, it would mean I was all of those terrible things. Or so I thought.

All of us are victims

Yes. All of us. Even you. Even that “woke” Instagram influencer you follow. Even Oprah.

My introduction to victim mindset was not uncommon. Many of us learn at a young age that the absolute worst thing you can be is a victim - and that victim mindset is somehow synonymous with negativity, unpopularity, and weakness.

The truth is that at any given point, all of us have at least a small dose of victim mindset hanging out in some area of our life. And the more we can accept that, the better.

Sure, victim mindset could be showing up for you in a big way. Like my former colleague, many of us have months or even years where we are deeply unhappy in our jobs, our marriages, our communities, and our lives. If you are in this place, it may feel like the universe has it out for you - like you are fated to be permanently miserable. And chances are, the people around you can feel your unhappiness too.

However, more insidiously, victim mindset shows up in small ways all of the time. They fly under the radar because small pockets of victim mindset don’t necessarily prevent us from having good, enjoyable lives. Others around us may not even be aware that they exist within us.

The smaller your pocket of victim mindset, the more it hurts only one person - you. 

So you want to work on your mindset…

The first step is accepting that you, yes you, have victim tendencies. It’s okay. We all do!

The second step is replacing your definition of victim mindset with a less judgmental, more helpful definition of the term. For this, Steve Chandler lays it out the best in his audio The Owner Victim Choice. If you listen to one thing this week, I would highly recommend it be this.

Spotting the small pockets of victim mindset can be difficult because, as I mentioned, they tend not to affect our day to day mood in an enormously crippling way. However, switching from victim to owner in these seemingly smaller areas of life is how we can make the switch from good to great.

Seeing the choice

I’ll leave you with an example from my own life - from all of our lives. 

As COVID numbers are rapidly rising, I am having a lot of feelings about the impending need to go back into strict self-isolation. I am having a lot of feelings about not seeing my family in over a year. I am having a lot of feelings about the lack of control I feel. 

And yet, I am pulling the walls of my bubble back in. I am switching back to delivered groceries. I am not going out unless completely necessary. I am cancelling planned trips to see family and friends.

In this case, big victim mindset energy would be along the lines of, “Why is this happening to ME?”

I’m not in that headspace, but the smaller victim mode I tend to adopt easily looks like, “I’m so pissed off that I have to do this.”

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t have to do anything.

I don’t have to. You don’t have to. Even if there were a national lockdown - unless you are physically shackled to your couch, you could still physically leave your house. I wouldn’t recommend it, there might be repercussions, but you could.

The subtle switch from victim to owner often looks like realizing that none of us has to do anything. We choose to.

Yes, sometimes the choices all have uncomfortable side effects. Actually most of the times they do. For example, when I choose to pay my rent - I get to live in my place for another month. At the same time, a large sum of money leaves my bank account. And sometimes, that’s uncomfortable! But I choose to do it. And I could also choose not to.

Whether you are having COVID-induced isolation feelings like I am, or you simply have a meeting today with that colleague who drives you nuts - I encourage you to realize that you are in the driver’s seat. You are making a choice in how you show up and in how you respond. 

Does that mean that there’s always going to be a choice that feels 100% great? Absolutely not. However, being in the habit of seeing the choice is being in the habit of seeing yourself as the owner of your own life.

And if you don’t own it, who will?

Just because.

It seems like many people, myself included, are in need of some good, solid reminders these days. So, if you need a reminder, here’s a list of them - in no particular order.

Just because you were sad today, it doesn’t mean you will be tomorrow.
Emotions are built to come and go. Let them.

Just because you are accustomed to comparing yourself to others as a means for improvement, it doesn’t mean it’s always helpful.
The risk of growing envious and using it as a means to beat yourself up is often far greater than the chance that you’ll be inspired. Approach with caution.

Just because you have money, it doesn’t mean you automatically feel secure.
Money and security are two different things. How do I know this? You can’t pay a bear to not eat you.

Just because their social media/headshots/marketing looks fancy, it doesn’t mean their business is thriving.
Thriving businesses come in all shapes, sizes, and shells just like thriving people come in all shapes, sizes, and shells.

Just because you feel lost, it doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path.
All paths have dark and foggy spots. Keep walking.

Just because they seem cheerful, it doesn’t mean they are happy. 
We all have characters we play. Check in on the people around you.

Just because you built it, it doesn’t mean they will necessarily come.
People need to know it exists first. Speak up!

Just because it feels like you’re moving backwards, it doesn’t mean you are.
Haven’t you ever sat the other way on a train? Perspective is everything.

Just because you were 100% sure yesterday, and are 50% sure today, it doesn’t mean you are flaky.
You are allowed to change your mind, especially in the face of new information, experience, or perspective.

Just because you hurt someone, it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Judging our worth based on one interaction is a bit like judging the quality of a strawberry by one of it’s seeds. A bit perfectionist, don’t you think?

Just because you feel like an imposter, it doesn’t mean you are.
It’s not scientifically possible for you to be an imposter in your own life.

Just because you establish boundaries, it doesn’t mean others will follow them.
Boundaries need to be restated, reinforced, and have repercussions. Otherwise, they just become that thing you said that one time.

Just because you’re becoming stronger/happier/more authentically you, it doesn’t mean everyone around you will respond positively.
Sometimes, our growth can be perceived as a threat to others - even the people we love. You’re not doing anything wrong. Keep going.

Just because it worked for them, it doesn’t mean it will for you.
And that’s okay. Life is not a one-size-fits-all event. Commit to finding the way through that fits you.

Just because it didn’t pan out the way you expected, it doesn’t mean it was a waste of time.
Waste of time is a construct that, in my experience, creates stress and stifles growth. There is a lesson in all that you experience. Find it.

Just because you are making small moves, it doesn’t mean you aren’t creating big impact.
The strongest foundations for the most enormous buildings are still laid one brick at a time. Don’t let scale distract you - just keep swimming.

Just because you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Wear a mask. Please.

Just because it feels like you are just one person, it doesn’t mean your influence can’t shift the course of history.
Vote.

Shhhhhhhh..........

I have an invitation for you.

You are cordially invited to be with yourself in silence.

I know, I know. You don’t wanna! And the good news is you don’t have to!

However, I would highly recommend it. Here’s why…

Turning the volume up

When my best friend died in 2013, I made an unintended and surprising lifestyle change that would stick around for many years. 

Grief, to me, often felt like a bit like claustrophobia. And it was worst when my surroundings were silent. Somehow, the silence made me feel more alone. 

So, I turned the volume up in the most convenient way I knew how. I turned on Netflix! 

Netflix became my fluffy security blanket, masking scary silence from getting too close. Shows like 30 Rock, Arrested Development, and The Office played in the background constantly. And when they were there, I felt like I could breathe. They provided a reprieve from the overwhelming cliff of emotion waiting for me on the other side of the pause button.

Television wasn’t my only form of silence-dodging. On my morning commute, I started listening to podcasts and music. Soon, my headphones followed me everywhere. 

I remember the first time I was forced to sit in silence after that year. It was 2014 and the power had just gone out. And while I was fine, I was also scattered. I was anxious and fidgety and unable to conceive of what to do. 

So I did the only thing I could think to do to escape the silence that had just been thrust upon me.

I took a nap.

Wherever you go, there you are.

The old adage “time heals all wounds” has a profound truth to it. However, in my opinion, it requires an update. 

Time heals all wounds…. when we are present with ourselves through time.

Time heals all wounds…. as long as we recognize the wound is there in the first place. 

Time heals all wounds…. when we allow spaciousness in our time for the healing vs. stuffing our time in tight with distractions like sardines in a sardine can.

But we live in a time where distraction is so instantly available to us that we often don’t even recognize how many numbing mechanisms we are participating in. Scrolling, listening, watching, talking, and reading occupy the majority of our lives.

And many of us have wounds - old and new - that have simply never been acknowledged because we were able to stuff that hole up with distractions.

So we don’t see them. And when we don’t see them, we don’t give them space and presence. And when we don’t give wounds space and presence - time, unfortunately, does not heal them all.

The silence scaries

It can be extremely scary to be in silence with yourself. That’s normal! 

Allowing yourself to be in silence for the first time in a long time is kind of like opening a drawer where you simply shoved all of your parking tickets without paying them. It can feel confrontational, painful, uncomfortable, triggering, etc.

But, that part quickly passes. And on the other side is peace, productive thought, awareness, and creativity. On the other side is healing.

And in my humble opinion, we could all use a little extra healing right now.

So, if you want to try this silence thing on, but feel overwhelmed - start small.

Wait 10 minutes before looking at or listening to anything when you wake up.

Go on a walk, and don’t take your phone.

Cook a meal without turning the television or music on.

Start small, but make it routine. Give yourself silence when you’re happy AND when you’re stressed. Give yourself silence when you want to avoid it most. 

Your mind, body, and heart will thank you for it.

Get a life! You can’t grow your business in a vacuum.

In late 2018, right before my birthday, I officially gained the title of CEO. As a lifelong achiever this felt monumental. I was ready to take on the challenge of excelling at an even higher level!

And whether I was aware of it or not, for me that meant striving to be everything for everyone at all times and never screwing up in the ways I’d seen others do throughout my career.

Easy, right?

The wrongest of wrong.

In early 2019, I hired my first executive coach. I wish I could tell you it was a situation where I was doing so well at the CEO thing that I wanted to take things to the next level. But, that wasn’t the case.

In reality, I was sinking. My weak boundaries, desire to people please, and penchant for taking every piece of feedback I received personally were crushing me. I was trying to wear my best “leadership” mask exhibiting strength, detachedness, and decisiveness - but on the inside I was depressed, lonely, and extremely stressed out.

A couple sessions in with my coach, some of my largest issues at work had reached a manageable level. So, we started to dive in to the deep stuff - the larger behaviors and beliefs that were keeping me stressed out and stuck in business. 

And as we explored topics like over-responsibility and placating behaviors, I realized that these behaviors were bad when I showed up in business but they were infinitely worse in my personal life.

Yes, that’s right. As someone who feels safer focusing on business all day everyday, I had wanted to believe that business behaviors were business behaviors and personal behaviors were personal behaviors. However, I was starting to see how all of my not-so-helpful beliefs and mindsets were showing up in all areas of my life. 

It was horrifying. And once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.

I don’t know if it’s a result of the pandemic…

…or if this is where society is going, but I feel like I see so many advertisements for products and courses encouraging people to build, grow, and 10x their business as a path to happiness.

Feeling existential doom? Grow your business and it won’t be so bad.

Never felt worthy enough? Make a ton of money and it will go away.

Wish you could live life more fully? Once you improve your business the good life will come.

I also happen to spend a lot of time speaking with people who are already trying to build or grow their business and have hit a wall. Yet, while they are willing to spend more and more time and money looking solely at their business, they are unwilling to look at the patterns they see in the context of their entire life. 

Perhaps they are waiting for business “success” before they give themselves permission to focus on their life. Or, maybe they have a therapist to deal with the “emotional” stuff and a coach to deal with the “business” stuff and never shall the two areas meet. 

But here’s the thing. Your business occurs within your life. You - a human being with wants, and needs, and emotions - are the one present in every moment in every area of the life you lead. 

Not accepting that everything is interconnected is 100% your choice, but it’s a little like believing your house will not be affected by global warming because you happen to recycle. 

Once I realized the patterns that were holding me back in my life and business…

…I ventured out to improve them. This meant instilling new behaviors in all areas of my life - not just in my business. 

And it worked - in enormous ways. I learned how to decide which feedback I did and did not want to take to heart. I fostered healthy boundaries around my responsibility for myself vs my responsibility for others.

In November 2019, another monumental moment in my life occurred - I took the first scary steps towards starting my own business.

However just two days before, a more silent yet equally important moment took place. I directly confronted a person who had been taking advantage of my weak boundaries, and clearly and cleanly severed the relationship. 

The two may not seem related, but for me they were. My confidence, happiness, and abundance was growing in my business world because my confidence, happiness, and abundance was growing in my life.

Nowadays - I’m still searching.

And it’s still working.

When I think about growing my business, I search for the areas of my life that need growth.

When I’m thinking about improving my work flow, I search for the areas of my life that seem stuck.

When I want to see an increase in profit, I search for the areas of my life where I feel scarce.

When you grow you business and life together, the results are infinitely more rewarding.

So why do it any other way?

Worried about profit? Commit to the practice.

One day in the 10th grade, I was talking to my friend after a youth orchestra concert. Liam was one of those young musicians who wasn’t just good at his instrument. It was pretty clear, at least to his peers, that he was set up for greatness. 

As we stood amongst the post-concert reception brownies and chips, Liam started to speak about a big issue he saw in young musicians.

“So many people want to be a professional musician, but they hate practicing!” he exclaimed. “Loving the performance part is easy. But, if you’re going to make a living as a musician, you have to love the practice part. Otherwise, what’s the point!”

I nodded in agreement, but on the inside I was horrified. I felt seen - and not in the good way.

As the next 10 years of my flute career would confirm, I had not fallen in love with the practice of being a musician. I never even gave myself the chance. 

For me, flute was all about achievement. And practicing was a means to that end. But in the practice room - I was miserable. Ultimately, once I was able to admit that to myself, I decided to step away from pursuing flute professionally for good.

For better, for worse, until death do us part.

Ideally, we don’t choose our partners in life solely based on who will look best in our vacation photos. 

Rather, we tend to choose our partners based on who we want to be with on the 14 hour plane ride, who we want to be with when we unexpectedly get food poisoning from the local cuisine, who we want to be with when we return to our home and realize the basement has flooded. 

We choose our partners based on who we want to be with. But do we do the same with our career?

So often, I speak to entrepreneurs who want to bypass the discomfort and uncertainty and “skip” right to the external achievements they desire. And I don’t blame them! There is a lot of messaging out there that suggests fast-tracked financial gain is the simple path to happiness and success.

Spoiler alert: it’s not. 

Just like having stunning, professionally-shot vacation photos isn’t the path to a happy and successful marriage - the path to a joyful, fulfilling career is in the journey. It’s in the mistakes and the small wins, in the bad days and bursts of inspiration, in the setbacks and the glimmers of hope.

It’s in falling in love with the practice.

What loving the practice looks like

Since leaving my professional pursuits in music, I have come to fall in love with practicing the flute. 

When I ended my performing career, I didn’t fully realize that I actually had the option to cultivate a loving relationship with the practice - so I left. Perhaps I did realize there was an option but I didn’t actually want to stay. I don’t know if I’ll ever know. And that’s okay.

I have, however, fallen in love with a practice that is also my profession - the practice of coaching. Like there were with flute, there are certainly shiny achievements that are tempting to chase. And I’m not perfect or saintly - sometimes I get pumped up for that financial goal or certain client or big ticket contract!

The difference is, the achievements do not get me out of bed in the morning. Fear of failure no longer keeps me up at night.

My favorite part of the day is not when someone pays me - it’s when I have a great session with another human being. Some days really suck, and after a good cry, I love looking for the lesson within that pain that I can then use to help myself and others down the road.

I believe that our ability to fall in love with the practice, whichever practice that may be, comes from our willingness to keep our expectations fair.

So often, I speak to people who expect a new career path or project to be their silver bullet. They expect that by simply choosing the path forward, they will immediately be met with happiness, fame, wealth, and success.

Just like a relationship can’t save you from yourself - a career can’t either.

We fall in love with the practice when we treat it like a mirror for ourselves.

How can your practice, whatever it may be, show you more about yourself? How can it be a space where you explore and grow? How can it be your connection to creativity?

When we create a relationship with our practice from that place, and opt into loving it every day, we build a success and level of fulfillment that is unshakeable. And doesn’t that sound nice?