If you're squirming, it's working. - Part four of my story
I was recently having a conversation with a client about hard work. The client explained how they were having difficulty making space in their calendar for themselves - space to journal, space to study, space to reflect, space to rest.
“I’m used to achieving success through hard work,” they said.
“I see,” I replied. “And so you’re saying that doing the self work is difficult, right?”
“Yes,” they replied.
“So,” I said. “It seems like this is right up your alley. If focusing on the inner work is hard for you - it is in fact hard work.”
They were not as amused by my logic as I was. Shocking, I know.
Work
I get messages from new coaches every month that read along the lines of, “This coaching thing is hard!”
Yeah. It is. But not for the reasons we are initially able to realize.
Take me for example. Working for other people was a general disaster for me. I am so much better suited to working for myself - and SO much happier in doing so.
Yet, when I stopped working for other people, I had to face a harsh reality.
Working for other people gave me a lot of unsuspecting parties to project my problems onto. Feeling stressed? Must be my unreasonable boss. Feeling unsupported? Must be my flakey coworkers. Feeling undervalued? Must be that terrible company culture.
Were all of these things true? Sure, at times. But did that absolve me of my ability to take responsibility for myself? I sure wanted to believe it did.
Woke
Becoming a coach pushes one into the same kind of awakening. And it’s often wildly uncomfortable. While everyone is different, some of the same themes emerge.
One of the biggest themes that comes up is the idea of value - how we define it and how we prove it.
Coaching is, in many ways, an invisible and intangible profession. What I mean is, there is no curriculum for what occurs in a coaching container. There is no script. There are techniques, sure, but the “best” technique won’t be the best technique for every client.
Coaching is also very intimate. As a coach, it’s only you and the client. Oftentimes, effective coaching makes the client very uncomfortable, even upset. Sometimes, that means they will project that discomfort or upset onto the only other thing in the room - you.
And then there’s the entrepreneurial aspect. Things like money, image, exposure all start to enter into the equation. It’s one thing to show up in service in practice, but to show up in service when your own inner scarcity mentality is screaming at you that you have to pay the bills - that’s a whole other skill set.
When I think about the difficulty and discomfort in becoming a coach, I think about the title of the John Kabbat-Zinn book - Wherever You Go, There You Are.
Without coworkers, without a boss, without a concrete one-size-fits-all method - a coach has nothing left to project their “stuff” onto. Their coaching practice will inevitably take on all of the qualities and limiting beliefs of the coach.
It becomes the most honest kind of mirror.
And that’s hard.
Welcome
This is not intended to be a doom and gloom post, nor is it intended to make the profession of coaching sound unattainable. It is attainable.
For many, the discomfort of growing as a coach is much more bearable than the discomfort of growing in another profession.
But if you’re sitting there thinking, “Ah! I’m so uncomfortable! This is so hard! I must be doing something wrong,” then this post is for you.
Discomfort is a part of the game. Welcome.
It’s what you decide to do with that discomfort that will ultimately dictate your success - in your profession and in your life.
Welp.
Since this post is technically supposed to be a continuation of my personal story, here are some things that have made, or continue to make me feel really uncomfortable in the process of growing as a professional coach.
In no particular order:
Having free time on my calendar
Having a calendar that feels too full
Investing in my own growth
Charging money for my services
Not charging money for my services
Raising my prices
Lowering my prices
Connecting with people in my network
Meeting strangers
Emotions. My emotions, their emotions, anyone’s emotions.
Being in my professional self instead of my social self
Eliminating people pleasing tendencies
Resisting the urge to “prove” myself by overpromising
And on and on and on and on…..
See, you’re not alone. I promise.
We are almost at the end! The fifth, and final, part of my story (for now) to follow.