The power of choice

I remember when I first learned about victim mindset. I was working in my first job and my colleague was a connoisseur of blaming others for her unhappiness. Her exhaustion, her endless work hours, her weak boundaries - in her mind, they were all thrust upon her. She could not see how she had any choice in the matter. 

“She has such a victim mindset. That’s her problem,” her coworkers would say when she left the room. 

And just like that, a definition emerged. 

Victim mindset, I deduced, must be when someone is so negative and miserable that they seem to carry a dark cloud around with them. It sounded like an insult - something you would never say directly to another person’s face unless you were trying to hurt them. Negativity and laziness seemed to be symptoms while positivity and action appeared as antidotes. 

That year, I decided that I could never, ever have a victim mindset. Because if I did, it would mean I was all of those terrible things. Or so I thought.

All of us are victims

Yes. All of us. Even you. Even that “woke” Instagram influencer you follow. Even Oprah.

My introduction to victim mindset was not uncommon. Many of us learn at a young age that the absolute worst thing you can be is a victim - and that victim mindset is somehow synonymous with negativity, unpopularity, and weakness.

The truth is that at any given point, all of us have at least a small dose of victim mindset hanging out in some area of our life. And the more we can accept that, the better.

Sure, victim mindset could be showing up for you in a big way. Like my former colleague, many of us have months or even years where we are deeply unhappy in our jobs, our marriages, our communities, and our lives. If you are in this place, it may feel like the universe has it out for you - like you are fated to be permanently miserable. And chances are, the people around you can feel your unhappiness too.

However, more insidiously, victim mindset shows up in small ways all of the time. They fly under the radar because small pockets of victim mindset don’t necessarily prevent us from having good, enjoyable lives. Others around us may not even be aware that they exist within us.

The smaller your pocket of victim mindset, the more it hurts only one person - you. 

So you want to work on your mindset…

The first step is accepting that you, yes you, have victim tendencies. It’s okay. We all do!

The second step is replacing your definition of victim mindset with a less judgmental, more helpful definition of the term. For this, Steve Chandler lays it out the best in his audio The Owner Victim Choice. If you listen to one thing this week, I would highly recommend it be this.

Spotting the small pockets of victim mindset can be difficult because, as I mentioned, they tend not to affect our day to day mood in an enormously crippling way. However, switching from victim to owner in these seemingly smaller areas of life is how we can make the switch from good to great.

Seeing the choice

I’ll leave you with an example from my own life - from all of our lives. 

As COVID numbers are rapidly rising, I am having a lot of feelings about the impending need to go back into strict self-isolation. I am having a lot of feelings about not seeing my family in over a year. I am having a lot of feelings about the lack of control I feel. 

And yet, I am pulling the walls of my bubble back in. I am switching back to delivered groceries. I am not going out unless completely necessary. I am cancelling planned trips to see family and friends.

In this case, big victim mindset energy would be along the lines of, “Why is this happening to ME?”

I’m not in that headspace, but the smaller victim mode I tend to adopt easily looks like, “I’m so pissed off that I have to do this.”

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t have to do anything.

I don’t have to. You don’t have to. Even if there were a national lockdown - unless you are physically shackled to your couch, you could still physically leave your house. I wouldn’t recommend it, there might be repercussions, but you could.

The subtle switch from victim to owner often looks like realizing that none of us has to do anything. We choose to.

Yes, sometimes the choices all have uncomfortable side effects. Actually most of the times they do. For example, when I choose to pay my rent - I get to live in my place for another month. At the same time, a large sum of money leaves my bank account. And sometimes, that’s uncomfortable! But I choose to do it. And I could also choose not to.

Whether you are having COVID-induced isolation feelings like I am, or you simply have a meeting today with that colleague who drives you nuts - I encourage you to realize that you are in the driver’s seat. You are making a choice in how you show up and in how you respond. 

Does that mean that there’s always going to be a choice that feels 100% great? Absolutely not. However, being in the habit of seeing the choice is being in the habit of seeing yourself as the owner of your own life.

And if you don’t own it, who will?