Toxic Productivity and Dangerous Dreaming

For years, I was practically allergic to dreaming big. I simply had no time for it. 

When others asked me questions like “If you knew that you could not fail, what would you attempt?” I presented a “dream” large enough to satisfy the question so that I could carry on with my mission of chasing achievable goals. 

This is the part where, as a professional coach writing a blog post for public consumption, I should probably reflect on how I was simply “playing small” and didn’t believe in myself enough.

I should probably spin a narrative about how when I started dreaming big I started achieving big. 

The inspirational coach-y message I should probably deliver is that I realized that all of my problems and constraints were simply figments of my past self’s silly imagination. And that once I was able to kill the voice in my head that told me not to dream big, I started #killingit.

And to an extent, that would be the truth. But it would not, by any means, be the full truth. 

Because what I encountered on the other side of the self-limiting-beliefs rainbow was a voice waiting for me that ultimately felt much more toxic. And while the voice I heard was largely internal, it also existed (sometimes even more loudly) outside of myself.

Once I started dreaming bigger…

I did, in fact, start to see bigger results. However, I quickly started making my results mean more than they actually meant. 

I wanted to believe that the financial goal I had just hit meant that I would never feel scarcity again. I wanted to believe that my full client list meant that I would never feel rejected again. I wanted to believe that kickass proposal meant that I was officially up-leveled in my career.

And then a week later, I found myself depressed and tired, unable to get out of bed. This was not a new reality for me as I’ve struggled with low-grade depression for the better part of my life.

But this time around, I felt twice as scared.

I was supposed to be a new me! I was supposed to be playing a bigger game! I was supposed to be beyond that self-defeating behavior! I was supposed to be fixed!

Suddenly, I felt the full weight of the toxicity that can so easily accompany self-improvement culture. 

It’s not that productivity is bad. It’s not that working hard is bad. It’s not that results or goals or dreams are bad.

It’s what we make our achievements mean about ourselves. It’s what we make other people’s mindsets mean about them. It’s the choice between saying “do this tomorrow” versus asking “who are you being today?” 

The more meaning we assign to our achievements, or even to the achievements of others, the more we allow toxicity to silently grow.

And then one day, when your external results don’t match up to your internal vision for yourself - bam! - the toxic air hits you. 

You must not be productive enough! You must not be good enough! 

You must not be enough.

I’ve got some news for you…

Your full calendar or business does not make you a good person. Your super packed, life-hacked schedule does not make you loved. Your growing income does not make you more worthy.

You are good, loved, and worthy exactly as you are. Always. Whether you are laying in bed or getting a promotion - you are exactly as full and whole as a human as you were the day before. 

However, our society has built productivity up to be some sort of elite status. And this is highly destructive. Especially when it’s presented as the path to happiness and worthiness as a human being. Especially when it’s being touted as the way out of a slump caused by grieving, trauma, or depression. 

So, as a reminder, for anyone who needs to hear it: Productivity is not a virtue. 

Kindness, compassion, and patience are.

For big impact: Dream Big .... (Just not in the way you think)

If you’ve ever spent 5 minutes around a coach, self-help book, or motivational speaker, you will have heard the phrase, “Dream big!” 

Dreaming big is a great and necessary tool to in the quest to grow our capacity as human beings. However, in my experience, the phrase is often more narrowly applied than is helpful. 

Often times, when humans dream big, they exclusively apply it to the external, tangible world. Dreams of building large companies and receiving 5-star reviews tend to take center stage. Dreams of overflowing bank accounts and ending world hunger come to mind.

All of these aforementioned dreams are great - don’t get me wrong. But if they are all we are focusing on, we can start to believe that the only way we have a large impact in this world is when we can physically see it.

And that’s entirely untrue. 

My father’s side of my family is, by all definitions, an incredibly tight knit group of people.

I, however, have always existed somewhat on the outskirts of their community. This is nobody’s fault, and not necessarily a bad thing - but it’s a thing. Whether it has been due to differences in language, religion, culture, location, or upbringing - there are only a handful of family members on that side who I’ve really gotten to know. 

One of the first family members I got to know was my cousin Bilal.

I met Bilal and his brother Ali in Lebanon when I was just 10 years old. While I had never been to Lebanon before, it was a homecoming for my father so there was a constant flurry of people and activity. The entire experience was incredibly overwhelming for me. The combination of my sensory overload and lack of understanding of the language caused me to feel isolated and on edge.

Ali and Bilal became a social and emotional lifeline for me during my first month in Lebanon. They were around my age, knew both English and Arabic, and knew the country well. They translated what was happening around us, helped me to feel comfortable in our surroundings, and together we played an inordinate amount of a particular game involving bottle caps. 

It’s amazing how quickly we humans categorize each other - even at a young age. As he skillfully translated both the language and social contexts for me, it became very evident to me that 11 year old Ali was smart. However, Bilal became labelled in my mind as having the biggest heart. 

One day, during an intense game of bottle caps, Ali tried to cheat in a play against me. Bilal, seeing this injustice, promptly punched his brother. It was clear that at only 7 years old, Bilal had an unshakeable moral compass and would not stand by while his brother tried to take advantage (even if it was just a game). 

I remember feeling distinctly safe in that moment. Nobody had ever fought for me like that before! I didn’t need safety from Ali’s dishonest bottle caps techniques, but it was nice to know that I had cousins who were there for me in this country I didn’t know. I had people! And for a month of my young life - those people were Ali and Bilal.

It is fitting that the last time I saw Bilal was also in Lebanon.

About a year ago, we crossed paths for 24 hours in the apartment in which we first met. I had just landed to the beginnings of a country-wide revolution, and the roads around Beirut and to the airport were quickly becoming blocked with fires, protestors, and rioters. Bilal was flying to America later than night. 

Having just had a dumpster of literal fire thrown at my car, my nerves were pretty wrecked. Here I was again, in a country I knew a little bit better, still without the language skills, feeling overwhelmed and scared. 

And just like 20 years before, Bilal was the one whose actions made me feel safe. 

My childhood assessment was right - Bilal had an exceptionally big heart. While I did not grow up closely with him, I watched from afar as he indiscriminately showered the many members of our family with bounds of compassion and love. In adulthood, that big heart translated into a relentless sense of light cheer and goofiness with a permanent smile that stretched from ear to ear. 

When the time came for him to go to the airport, the roads were still blocked. The only way to get close was by moped.

So, with that never-ending grin, Bilal fearlessly piled himself and his two large suitcases onto the back of a moped. It was something straight out of a comedy routine - the moped version of a clown car. 

But he made it! An hour later, as promised he would, he was posting pictures of himself laughing at the airport on his Instagram. “It was crazy! But I made it no big deal!” he messaged to me. And just like that, I felt lighter, more relaxed, and less scared than I had a few hours before.

We simply do not know the impact we have on others.

We just don’t.

And while there is incredible value in dreaming big when it comes to our vision for serving others, making a difference, and changing the world - it’s important to not lose the forest through the trees. 

Should you dream big? Yes, absolutely. But, don’t just dream big about your projects, or lifestyle, or level of fame. 

Dream big about what you want for this world. And then be more of that. 

If you want more peace, be a little be more peaceful. 

If you want more happiness, laugh a little bit more.

If you want more love, love a little bit harder.

At the end of it all, the difference we make boils down to who we are and how we are being. Making a difference is accessible to everyone, everywhere, at every moment. Whether you are indignantly righting the wrong of your brother cheating your cousin in a game of bottle caps, or you are refusing to stop laughing during moments of stress and despair - your way of being is having a ripple effect on everyone around you. 

So who are you choosing to be?

Bilal Chehab, a loving brother, son, cousin, and human passed away suddenly on September 15th, 2020. Bilal - your big smile and big heart will be so, so missed. 

Got problems? Get boundaries.

Boundaries. What a loaded word.

If your life has unfolded at all like my own, you suddenly started hearing about boundaries in your early 20s as though they were a very important item you simply forgot to pick up at Trader Joe’s.

“You feel unappreciated in your relationship? That’s because you don’t have any boundaries.”

“Your boss is routinely taking advantage of you at work? You need better boundaries.”

“You’re exhausted all the time and feel pulled in a million different directions? You should have more boundaries.”

Got problems? They ask. Get boundaries! They say.

But then what? And how do you know if you’ve got the right ones? And what do you even do with them once you have them?

What even is a boundary?

I define a boundary as a clearly self-identified need during one’s interactions with themselves and others. 

For example, you might identify that in order to function optimally inside and outside of work, you need to only engage in work communications during work hours. 

However, identification is only the first of four steps in setting a healthy boundary.

First, we must identify what we need - often times through experiencing the results of not getting it. 

Next, we must commit to prioritizing that need. When we don’t prioritize our needs internally, they lack the strength to become boundaries. Essentially we treat them like we treat wishes - nice if they happen, fine if they don’t.

Then, through a variety of ways, we need to communicate the boundary. We can proactively and verbally communicate our boundary in the form of an agreement. Or, if our boundary is unlikely to be crossed, we can simply be prepared to address it if and when it comes up. 

Finally, once the boundary has been communicated, it is on us to enforce it. This means continuing to communicate when it is crossed, and if applicable, clearly communicating and adhering to future repercussions.

How these steps are carried out can look wildly different based on the situation.

For example, how I set my boundaries around my clients showing up on time to our sessions (proactively communicated, agreed upon in advance, and with low level repercussions) is not going to be the same as how I set my boundaries around my clients not committing a felony during our sessions (not proactively communicated or agreed upon, but with high level repercussions). 

But in any situation where a boundary is properly set, all four of these steps will unfold in some way.

Then why do so many of us struggle

For many of us, we were actually taught about boundaries long before we heard the word. Whether they knew it or not, the adults and authority figures in our young lives modeled how we should address our needs when interacting with others. 

And for the most part, the adults and authority figures out there are modeling extremely unhealthy boundary behavior.

Perhaps you were shown the bleeding heart model of boundary setting. In this model, you know exactly what your needs are. However, the thought of enforcing them, or even communicating them, makes you break out into terror sweats. What if nobody likes you anymore? What if everyone leaves you?

While you are clearly screaming your needs on the inside, they never quite translate to the outside world. So, it seems like nobody around you cares and you becoming increasingly sad, bitter, or angry.

Maybe you were taught the stoic model of boundary setting. In this model, people are dangerous because they can hurt you and take advantage of you. You’re happy to communicate and enforce rules, but quite frankly they have nothing to do with what you actually need. They exist for the sake of existing.

So when people break your rules, even if their actions don’t actually affect you, your response becomes increasingly punitive. In your mind, the whole point of boundaries is to keep you safe! And if people break your rules that don’t even matter, how can they be trusted with boundaries around your actual needs? So you dig in and distance yourself further from others, and in the process, your own internal voice. 

Who are you trying to please?

While these are not the only models, they are two of the most common. And in both cases, the overarching theme is people pleasing. In the bleeding heart model, you are seeking to please and placate others. In the stoic model, you are seeking to please and placate yourself. 

This is why seeking to please is a boundary killer. You must instead ask yourself, “What will serve?” 

What will serve your needs? What will serve their growth and evolution? What will serve the end result you’re going for? What will serve a mutually beneficial environment of trust and honesty?

So, there you have it. When you’re willing to switch from a people pleasing mentality to a service mentality, you will have all the boundaries you’ll ever need. And plus you’ll be a model to all of those around you for how easy it can be to have healthy and functioning boundaries.

The enchanting danger of glamour

A few years ago, I was listening to an interview with Steve Sims, CEO and owner of BlueFish - an exclusive concierge service for the super wealthy. Amongst details about the lavish events he would plan in impossible destinations, Steve discussed his company’s online and marketing presence.

While BlueFish has developed an online presence in the last year or so, at the time of the interview the one-paged static website read as follows: 

The BlueFish
Personal VIP Concierge Services

That’s it. No contact information. No list of client testimonials. Simply a company name and 4-word description.

Of course, given the high-end clientele of BlueFish, this minimalist marketing approach did support a feeling of exclusivity often associated with high-end services.

However, the larger point for everyone to consider, Sims explained, is that flashy visibility does not automatically equal success. And in fact, there are many highly prestigious and successful businesses which grow solely through their reputation - one client at a time.

In other words, he was taking a hard stand against glamour, and the lies it often sells, in favor of building his own truth. 

How strong Is your foundation?

To be clear - this is not an anti-marketing or anti-PR post. Marketing and PR are valuable tools that can significantly magnify the reach and impact of a person, project, or business.

But that’s just it - they are magnifying tools. They aren’t a replacement for quality substance. And if there is a lack of substance in the foundation of your business, marketing tools will eventually magnify those areas of lack in insidious ways you may not be aware of. It works both ways.

Ultimately, nothing can replace the strength of substantial foundation behind your work.  And a strong foundation is built on two things: how you engage with your immediate network (or loyal audience) and your high quality service or product. Period. 

Take it from someone who has been there. When you exert a ton of energy on glamorizing your work or offering without taking the time to build a strong foundation, it can feel a bit like you’re holding an empty egg shell - one wrong move and *poof* it’s all gone.  

When you place your focus on your foundation, everything becomes easier. You experience more success because you’re focusing on what matters. You experience more ease because you’re coming from a place of authenticity. You experience more confidence because the marketing added on top of that solid base doesn’t feel like an empty promise - it feels like you’re turning up the volume on an already amazing song.

It’s easy to want what we don’t have. 

Many of us were unfortunately taught how to aim high by comparing ourselves with others.

To be the best student, get better grades than your peers.

To get an orchestral job, play your excerpts better than your colleagues. 

To be the top person in your field, make more money than everyone else.

This model for seeking happiness and abundance, while extremely common, is terribly broken. 

If this line of thinking sounds familiar to you, you may think you’re running towards being exceptional. While that may be true, you’re probably spending even more energy running away from being average or mundane. And that’s not great.

Part of the reason that it’s so easy to get caught up in the pictures we see around us of the lives and businesses other people lead is that many of us don’t have a clear picture of what we are running towards. You might even just have a word like “successful” that you’re aiming for, but no clear picture of what that means.

So when you come up against the glamorized versions of other people, without a clear picture of what success means to you, it is easy to adopt what they’re selling as your new goal. Even if what they’re projecting out there isn’t the full picture. Even if what they’re projecting out there isn’t even real.

Ultimately, in this model, you lose. You blame yourself for all of your perceived shortcomings as they compare to the filtered, glamorized versions of others’ businesses and lives. And you can never quite figure out why it’s not working for you.

Don’t forget the most important ingredient.

If you want to make anything work for you - your career, your passion project, your social life - you have to make it work for *you*. 

As we covered earlier, making something truly work requires a strong foundation of substance. A strong foundation of substance comes from engaging your immediate network and focusing on quality. 

Nobody else can engage with your network for you. Yes it can be scary. Yes it can be vulnerable. However there is really no workaround here. No amount of publicity or marketing can replace the you in the equation of you+them.

And when it comes to quality - build the quality that you want to experience in the world. Trust you. Create for you. Put products out into the world that are deeply authentic to you.

Simple? Yes.

Easy? Not always.

Worth it? Every time.

The *Magic* Spreadsheet That Will Change Your Life

My relationship with numbers has always been great. My relationship with money not so much.

Nothing highlighted these two relationships more than when I started my own business. I had one month’s rent in my checking account, nothing in savings, and no backup plan. I realized that I had become emotionally attached to the idea of safety that an employer-supplied paycheck promised.

Plus, I was pretty new to the whole budgeting thing (two years new in fact) and had only just conquered a significant amount of personal debt.

The lack of money was uncomfortable. The lack of certainty and control was nearly crippling. And trying to learn how to use Quickbooks was not helping.

So, I built a spreadsheet.

My needs were simple. I wanted to know how much money I was going to bring in on any given month. I also wanted to know how much money I was planning on spending each month. And most importantly, on any given day, I wanted to know when the money would run out.

I had personally seen entrepreneurs and freelancers become blinded by a big paycheck - only to spend it all without planning for the slow months or even taxes. That reality terrified me and so I wanted a tracking tool that was easy to update and would help me sleep better at night knowing that I was going to meet rent that month.

Over time, I tweaked my spreadsheet to contain other calculations and functions that I found helpful. It was never intended to be a replacement for Quickbooks or an accountant. I’m definitely not a financial advisor or accounting specialist.

Rather it became a day-to-day tool that transformed me into the type of coach and business owner who knew my numbers…. and wasn’t afraid of them.

I started sharing this spreadsheet with friends, colleagues, and clients who quickly dubbed it The Magic Spreadsheet. And I honestly think that’s a fair name. If you’ve ever been panicked by money or felt fear when facing your bank account, then you know how truly magical it can be to have a command over your finances.

Now I’m sharing it with you. Because you deserve to feel that magic too!

Here’s what to do:

1. Visit The Magic Spreadsheet Template by clicking here or on the button below. You will be taken to a view-only Google Sheets document.

2. Hit ‘File’ and then ‘Make a Copy’ to create your own spreadsheet in your Google Drive. Please note: this spreadsheet was built entirely on Google Drive and while you can try downloading it, the formatting and calculations may not carry over.

3. Watch the tutorial video by clicking here or viewing below to see how I use The Magic Spreadsheet and how you can use it too.

4. Spread the love! If you think that someone in your world would benefit from having this spreadsheet - please pass it on.

And one final thing. No matter where you are right now with your budgeting, finances, or relationship with money - you have nothing to be ashamed of. Facing our money stuff can be truly brutal. But the path to establishing a healthy future only needs to start with one step.

Check out the spreadsheet and let me know what you think - my virtual door is always open.

How To Slow Down Time: A Decision-Making Superpower

Once upon a time, I dated a guy who was terrible to endure at restaurants. No, he wasn’t rude to the waitstaff.

He was profoundly indecisive.

Something about the combination of receiving the menu upon sitting down and needing to make a meal decision within minutes froze him in his place. He lost all sense and ability to answer the question “What do I want?” 

Inevitably, he would choke out some order with panic in his eyes, and immediately regret it. It was painful to watch him suffer over such a minor decision, simply because a timeline had been imposed on him.

While most of us are fine with ordering food at a restaurant, many of us do struggle when we are asked to make an important decision in a short amount of time. Whether it is buying a house, accepting a job, or taking advantage of a time-sensitive sale - feeling like we don’t have enough time has a way of turning our senses upside down.

Why do we struggle and how can we fix it?

At least once a week, someone calls me in a panic to discuss the game-changing yet last-minute decision they are concerned about making. The tension and panic in their voice is usually palpable. Even though they don’t say it, I can practically hear the voice inside of their head screaming, “YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!!”

When we receive information that requires us to make any decision, ideally we move through these three stages in the order they are listed:

1. Processing our reaction to what we have just learned.

2. Organizing the new information alongside our thoughts and feelings about it.

3. Solving the problem or question at hand.

However, when we feel crunched for time, many of us try to skip straight to the third step and start searching frantically for solutions. Ultimately, this is not fruitful. So, we backpedal a little and start organizing and processing on the fly - becoming impatient with ourselves as we feel even more confused. 

Time ticks by. The deadline approaches. We feel the pressure and become more panicked. 

This is why one of the greatest decision-making skills you can cultivate is the ability to slow down time. Don’t worry if you didn’t get your Hogwarts letter in the mail - you don’t have to be a wizard to master this skill.

All you need to do is carry out some practical applications of mindfulness, presence, and awareness when faced with a decision to make. Here are two of my favorites: 

Zoom in on time

Let’s say you’ve just received a job offer and you have to let them know in two days whether or not you will be accepting. In that two day period there is so much you need to figure out - moving costs, apartment costs in the new city, how much you can reasonably afford, if your current job has a counter offer, etc. 

It can be easy to immediately slip into panic about this seemingly short timeline. Two days to figure out all of that?! Obviously there is no time to engage in thoughtful decision-making, right?

Wrong. 

When we are given a seemingly short amount of time to make a decision, it’s incredibly important that we take a moment and really examine how much time we have. Two days is 48 hours. 48 hours is 2880 minutes. 

If I told you that you had 2880 minutes to make a decision, would you be willing to spare 60 of them to slow down and process your feelings about it? Would you have 60 more minutes to organize your thoughts about it?

I certainly would! That still leaves 2760 minutes to solve the problem at hand. 

When we are able to get present, there is so much time in each day. But sometimes, the battle lies within the process of getting present itself. For me, the act of actually calculating how much time lives inside a larger section of time allows me to retain a sense of control and grace as I endeavor to make my decision.

Ask for more time. Or at least know that you can.

In grade school, we were all given assignments with a built in deadline. There was no wiggle room. There were rarely exceptions. The due date was the due date and we needed to comply or get a bad grade. Perhaps some of us had the courage to ask for an extension - and it wasn’t granted.

While this style of deadline establishment and enforcement is built to teach kids valuable lessons about responsibility and time-management - it doesn’t create a helpful reference point for us as adults.

As an adult, your time gets to have a voice… if you let it. You are allowed to negotiate timelines and deadlines that work for you. You are allowed to speak up when someone asks something of you that just isn’t going to be possible. 

And yet, so many of us don’t ask.

So many of us, when faced with an external deadline, revert back to being the child in the classroom and quietly accept the date that has been handed to us - even if it causes us an extraordinary amount of stress. 

This is particularly important when you are paying for an item or service. I speak to so many people who have found themselves on the receiving end of a marketing tactic that uses time to exert pressure. 

When they anxiously explain to me that they only have 12 hours to make a multi-thousand dollar decision that didn’t exist before - one of my first questions is “did you ask for more time.” 99% of the time, that question is met with an incredulous “No! They were clear when they said 12 hours!”

But did you ask? 

It’s really quite simple - if you are feeling stressed out about a deadline, ask for more time. Or at least know that the option is there.

While it’s not a guarantee that your request will be positively received, it most likely will. And more importantly you will have spoken up for yourself. You will have stepped out of the victim role into the owner role - giving yourself a greater sense of control and knowing that you have got this. 

Whether you have 2 hours or 2 days to make an important decision - you likely have exactly enough time. Don’t try to fast forward through it to get to the solution part!

Slow down. Settle into each second of every minute ahead. And before you know it, time will have slowed down to meet you.

The growth-killing sentence that is keeping you stuck

Last week, I was sitting with a relatively new client - let’s call them J. J and I were talking about a situation that had just popped up for them at work. J’s colleague had made a decision without checking with J first - an action that had visibly caused J to spiral into anger, hurt, frustration, and paranoia. 

While J was pretty clear on what they were feeling, the two of us were on a hunt to find out why. Why did J feel this way? Why did the emotional reaction seem unshakeable? 

I asked J if they could recall the first time they felt these particular emotions. After some thought, J responded with a brief story about their upbringing and household - sharing a scenario that clearly mimicked the scenario at work but carried with it a heavier weight of abandonment.

I curiously pointed out the similarity. J quickly, dismissively and defensively replied:

“But I’ve already worked on that. It must be something else.”

“But I’ve already worked on that” is a sentence I’ve heard more times than I can count. Interestingly enough, it is also a sentence I’ve said (and thought) more times than I can count.

And in both my personal experience and in my experience with clients - whatever we use that sentence to refer to is exactly what we need to be working on right now. 

We can only heal what our awareness allows us to

Most of us have little pockets of pain that we carry around with us through life. Sometimes they stem from our childhood, sometimes they form later on. Often times, they are born from totally harmless situations that, for whatever reason, we experienced as threatening or hurtful to us. 

Usually, we are pretty unaware of these pain points. Sometimes, we know exactly where they are but they only hurt when we poke them. So, we simply avoid poking them and go on our merry way. 

Every once in awhile, an external person or situation comes along and pokes our pain point for us. It hurts! So, we do our best to make the person or situation go away. If that’s not possible, we do our best to make the pain go away - either by developing a deeper numbness to it or by addressing it head on and doing the work to heal it.

But here’s the thing. Often times the pain point is actually much bigger than the part that’s being poked. Sometimes, multiple pain points overlap in some odd and uncomfortable venn diagram. 

With J, for example, the pain point of abandonment was obviously huge. So while J may have done work in the past and healed a portion of it - a large piece of it still remained. Additionally, a portion of J’s abandonment pain point was overlapped by another pain point - one called control. So, the work situation was triggering both points, and as a result, allowing J to see a '“hidden” portion of the abandonment point that they weren’t aware of before.

This is good news - when we let it be

Yes, healing our internal triggers and pain points can be painful. 
Yes, I know what it’s like to do so much work only to be faced with more areas to be healed. 
Yes, I have declared an area of myself healed in order to avoid doing the work to heal it further. 

However, the growth that comes - both personally and professionally - from a willingness to keep healing the “same” spots on a deeper level is profound. And more importantly, it’s worth it.

So, if you’re seeking a greater sense of relief or happiness in one way or another, I encourage you to stay open. Be aware. Pay attention to what you feel and ask when you’ve felt this way before. 

The answer may be simple. It may not be the answer you want to hear. You may feel like you have been here before. You may have thought you would never come back here again. But here you are. 

What are you going to do about it?

Are you going to turn around and pretend you didn’t see anything? You could! Your ego would certainly be happy with that.

However, if it’s really growth and healing you’re after - I’d recommend leaning into the lesson in front of you. Yes it’s uncomfortable, and the ego won’t be happy. But in the end it seems like a small price to pay for happiness and peace - don’t you think?

Why your best is enough - even when it doesn't feel that way

“I have a question for you Lisa. Are you on board with the concept that by simply trying your best, that is enough?”

I was sitting at a post-breakup therapy appointment with my favorite therapist Al - a Philadelphia-born middle-aged man who loved sarcasm and Clif Bars.  

“Absolutely not,” I replied without blinking an eye. 

While a breakup had brought me back to therapy, Al had quickly and skillfully drawn a line between my tendency to label every disappointment in my life - whether it be personal or professional - a total failure on my part.

And he was right. I did see these disappointments as personal failures. I tried my best, but my best obviously wasn’t enough. Therefore, I wasn’t enough, and by proxy was considered a failure. The logic was unshakeable in my mind.

Al rolled his eyes at my dismissive response and served up one of his own. 

“You’re really going to make an interesting parent one day, Lisa. I can’t wait to watch you motivate your baby into walking by berating them every time they fall.”

Self-criticism is addicting

A lot of people I’ve spoken to lately are caught in a remarkable cycle of self-criticism about their energy levels, efficiency levels, productivity levels, and moods.

People are admitting to emotional outbursts, erratic sleep schedules, and moments of inexplicable laziness as though they have failed significantly at life. 

“I know better,” they say. “I should be able to do better.”

When I ask if they are trying their best, usually they respond that they are - only to quickly rescind this response and list all of the ways that they could be doing better if only they had more time/energy/discipline.

In other words, the worth of their effort and intent quickly gets undermined by their lengthy list of less than perfect outcomes. They feel like this observation of obvious failure should motivate them to do better next time. But next time feels impossible. Their motivation feels even lower than before. 

And they can’t figure out why.

How we motivate ourselves

A lot of us are used to being in some sort of race or chase. Whether it’s with a standard we have set or a standard set by those around us, many of us have grown accustomed to using the areas of lack to fuel action and achievement in the pursuit of that standard.

High achievers, especially, spend a fair amount of their lives using this tactic as a source of extreme motivation and energy in the pursuit of their goals. 

The issue is - much like fossil fuel - this achievement-based source of energy is a limited resource and produces a lot of toxicity in the process of being used.

In other words, it will get you there. But at what cost?

The extraordinary value of appreciating yourself

2020 has, in many ways, forced us to examine how we externalize our sense of worthiness. With stressors heightened to a wild degree, and many achievement-based systems placed on hold or removed altogether, it can be a struggle for many of us to simply show up every day. 

And even on the days we are able to give it our all, and try our best - for those of us who habitually seek worthiness within the achievement or result, our best still doesn’t feel good enough. 

But it is. It always was. But especially now. 

I’ve written a few times about gratitude, and the same sentiment applies here. If we can not acknowledge and be grateful to ourselves for trying our best, we are robbing ourselves from developing a healthy perspective. We are standing in one corner of the room, staring at the wall, upset that there isn’t a picture hung there - when there may well be a room full of pictures behind us that we aren’t seeing.

Acknowledging that you are trying your best - and appreciating yourself for doing so - isn’t avoiding reality or responsibility. Acknowledging that trying your best was enough gives you a strong base to jump off of when you are ready to try again. It cultivates a different kind of energy or fuel for motivation. One that is very renewable and is ultimately less toxic to your internal ecosystem.

To sum it all up…

I know it can be hard to detach from old coping mechanisms and attachments to external results. When I say I know, I mean I really know. Perfectionism, negative self-talk, impossible standards…. those used to be my BFFs. Except, in reality, they were more like frenemies than friends - convincing me they wanted the best for me but working against me the whole time.

So, if you have been feeling frustrated with yourself recently, I invite you to thank yourself. Thank yourself for trying your best. Even if you wish it looked different, your best was enough yesterday. And it will be enough today. And if you let it, it will be enough tomorrow, too. 

The question I ask to establish and grow trust

“I’m getting a divorce.”

I was sitting at a conference, and had just exchanged pleasantries with the woman next to me. When I asked if she had any summer plans, she responded with the news about her impending divorce. 

I had just met this woman and though she looked sad while telling me her news, she wasn’t visibly devastated. 

So, I proceeded to ask her one of my favorite questions.

I use it all of the time, not only with strangers, but also with friends and clients when they tell me a fact with a certain amount of declaration or weight in their voice. In fact, I ask it so much that my close friends have started answering me before I’m even done asking the question.

“How do you feel about that?” I asked, my voice curious but emotionally detached. 

“You know…” she replied. “I’m so HAPPY! I feel like I shouldn’t be, but I really am.”

We then spent the next few minutes excitedly reviewing all of her plans for her first single summer in twenty years. We parted ways after the session ended, but she continued to pop up through my time at the conference - introducing me to the people she met and including me in plans.

The Myth of The Universal Reaction

When we aren’t giving it much thought, most of us automatically react to certain pieces of news with the socially agreed upon response.

They will tell us…

I’m getting a divorce.

I am up for a promotion.

I got laid off.

We will immediately respond…

Oh no!! Are you okay?

That’s fantastic!

I’m so sorry. That’s tough. :-(

The truth is that many of us have complicated reactions to the events in our lives. Some things make us happy that we feel should make us sad, and vice versa. Sometimes we have tons of conflicting feelings about one situation.

When we interact with others, we tend to deliver our news in the way we believe will make others feel most comfortable. When they respond as we expect them to, the other piece of us - the piece that is secretly upset when we feel like we should be excited - burrows deeper down inside. 

Especially with those closest to us - we think we know what they’re feeling, and rarely leave room for the possibility that we don’t. This can lead to inevitably huge misunderstandings and a blurring of boundaries between who owns what emotions.

Just Ask

By asking someone how they feel about a situation that they’ve just brought up, we give them the space to elaborate on their emotions. We subtly acknowledge that they may have complicated feelings. We make it okay for them to be human.

With strangers, like with the woman at that conference, this immediately builds a sense of trust. With our friends and family, it builds a greater sense of intimacy. In the workplace, it’s a leadership hack that builds healthy culture and improves general effectiveness.

I really is a no-brainer.

All it takes is a little awareness and the willingness to pause. And in the matter of 2 seconds, and with just 6 words, you can transform and improve the relationships in all areas of your life.

What even is coaching? Part 2

“Wait, so you’re trying to be, like, Tony Robbins?”

If you missed it, I started to demystify the world of coaching in Part 1- where I broke down the difference between coaching, consulting, and mentoring. 

In this post, I’m going take a look the two top questions I hear about coaching and answer them in the most candid, straightforward, no bullsh*t way I know how.

Maybe you’ve had these questions yourself. Maybe the post-pandemic influx of coaches and coaching services filling up your inbox and social media feed has you facing these questions right now. Maybe you’re simply bored, have a few minutes to spare, and reading this just for fun.

No matter why you’re here - here you are! So let’s dive in.

And no, for the record, most coaches I know aren’t trying to be Tony Robbins.

What makes someone qualified to be a coach?

The short answer: exceptional listening and behavioral pattern recognition skills.

If you are thinking to yourself that it seems like that answer leaves room for a wide range of styles, approaches, and quality across the industry - you are correct.

The truth is, coaching is an industry where there is a low bar to entry and a high bar to success. 

I liken it to personal training. Anyone can call themselves a personal trainer and personal trainers come at all price points. In training, popularity and public image doesn’t always mean quality. There are plenty of subpar trainers out there with a flashy social media presence and a carefully cultivated image, and plenty of outstanding trainers out there who fly under the radar, quietly cultivating their craft.

Inevitably, people always ask about coaching certification programs when bringing up the qualification question. Coaching certification programs were constructed to fill a void in an industry that is still pretty undefined. They are great resources for anyone to learn coaching skills and processes. They are also great for people who are motivated by programmatic or certificate-based learning. 

However, most of the top tier coaches out there (we’re talking 7-figure, VIP client, Fortune 500 keynote coaches) are not “certified” coaches. In fact, many of them have arts or teaching backgrounds - believe it or not.

In reality, coaching is a practice in the truest sense of the word. It’s the constant cultivation of those listening and pattern recognition skills through experience and a willingness to learn. In my experience, the coaches who fall in love with the actual practice are the ones who become really great at what they do.

Because the qualification question is not black and white, inevitably this next question arises.

How can I make sure a coach is right for me before I sign up with them?

This is an incredibly valid question that unfortunately doesn’t get asked as much as it should because quite a lot of coaches out there use sales tactics that are intended to make prospective clients feel guilty for even asking this type of question. 

If this has happened to you - I’m so sorry. It has definitely happened to me.

When I’m looking for a coach, or advising others on how to select a coach, I’m looking for three major things:

• the opportunity to experience their work first hand

• a lack of neediness on their part

• confirmation that they are personally enrolled in the same type of coaching that they are delivering

You may have noticed that I didn’t list testimonials or proof of “success” with other clients as a requirement. I honestly don’t care what a coach’s work looks like with other people. I care what their work looks like with me.

And in my experience, testimonials and client results are like statistical reports and projections - sometimes they’re painting an accurate picture, but also they’re really easily manipulated to paint a rainbow-filled promise. 

For me, being able to experience a coach’s work before signing up with them is a non-negotiable.

Sometimes, this looks different depending on the type of coaching being offered. For example, someone who leads group coaching/mentorship programs may not offer individual coaching calls as a part of the enrollment process. However, I would be looking for either a free Facebook group or lower-priced workshops for you to get a taste of what the experience of working with them is like. 

If someone is an individual coach, I would absolutely expect to experience them in a 1:1 coaching setting before signing up with them. Most coaches I know and respect spend multiple hours coaching and getting to know prospective clients. Because honestly - how else would you know what you’re buying?

Neediness is a hard quality to define, but you probably know it when you feel it aimed at you. If you’re feeling it from a prospective coach - especially if you get the sense they want your money in their pocket RIGHT NOW - take a breath and slow down. Yes, it’s entirely possible you’re projecting your own money fears onto them. However, extreme urgency - either perceived or explicitly stated - is never something I want to feel when making a purchasing decision. And usually when I feel it coming from a coach, it’s simply a poorly placed sales tactic.

Lastly, and all you coaches out there listen up - I would never sign up with a coach who isn’t enrolled in the type of coaching they are providing. If they are running high level group programs, I want to know which high level group programs they participate in. If they are offering individual coaching, I want to know that they are signed up for individual coaching.

As master coach Steve Chandler says - I want my doctor to have a doctor. I want my coach to have a coach. 

And back to that whole question about quality - a coach who is enrolled in the same type of coaching they are offering is, in my opinion, committed to the practice. They are showing up every day to their profession, investing in their growth, and constantly honing and striving to improve. 

Essentially, they are doing exactly what they’re asking you to do when they pitch their services to you. Their actions are matching their words. And no - that isn’t amoré. It’s integrity. 

Got more questions? Shoot me an email and let’s talk. 

And stay tuned for Part 3 of What even is coaching?

The job hunting skill that helped me be a stronger leader

“But I’m not qualified for this.”

I’ve heard this statement countless times from friends, clients, and colleagues in the midst of a job search. Usually, they say it after coming across a description of what looks like their dream job.

They get excited! They keep reading the job posting. And eventually, they stumble upon the qualifications section. The excitement dies down.

They go silent. And they say defeatedly, “But I’m not qualified for this.” 

It’s not you. It’s them.

Here’s a not-so-well-kept secret: 95% of the time, the construction of a job description is akin to throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks.

Most companies do not know what they need in an employee - let alone how to articulate it.

Have you ever been in a position where you’re confident that your boss and colleagues have no idea what the full scope of your job is? Yes, so have I. So have most people I know.

That doesn’t just go away when you leave. Your departure doesn’t suddenly bring the company clarity regarding your position and what will set a person up for success in it.

Plus, hirings are typically time-consuming, stress-inducing, and urgent. Meaning, when a company is getting their job description out the door, they are usually throwing together a wish list of qualifications based on a wide range of criteria: from characteristics they believe the last person had or didn’t have, to what they think a “good boss” would look for in an employee. (Yes - I’ve personally been told this exact phrase multiple times!)

Yikes. 

The good…no…GREAT news

Here’s the thing. A company not knowing what they want is actually an incredible opportunity for you - if you’re in the right mindset.

When we incorrectly assume that others have everything figured out and know exactly what they want, we usually incorrectly discount ourselves from the opportunity before even putting ourselves out there.

Why do we do this? To avoid rejection, of course! It’s okay. Rejection sucks. But not finding the best opportunity for you sucks even more. 

So, the trick I use is the 33% rule. If you fit 33% of a job’s qualifications - apply! Yes, that’s right. 33%. As long as you’ve got the essentials like required industry certifications, don’t let “10 years experience” hold you back when you have 8 years under your belt.

I’ve certainly used this tactic - and the people I know who have used it as well have landed some pretty sweet jobs that became huge career moves. 

How does this apply to leadership?

Assuming that everyone else knows exactly what they want and exactly what they’re doing isn’t just destructive in job searches. It’s destructive to strong leadership. 

Why?

Well, when you believe that everyone else has it figured out, you are more likely to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong.

• Your colleagues love you and you are invaluable to the team, but you keep getting passed over for promotions? Must be a shortcoming on your part.

• That client prospect who was so enamored with you suddenly went cold and flaked? Must be something you did.

• You have been working nonstop, but you don’t feel any more secure than you did before. Must be an inherent flaw in you. 

When you get in the habit of blaming yourself, it can spiral quickly. The concerns and stressors, left to roam free, eventually become self-fulfilling prophecies. You start projecting your insecurities all over everything.

Suddenly, you aren’t responding and reacting to the outside world as it is. You are responding and reacting to a world built from your deepest fears. 

Kind of counteractive to what most of us are going for - am i right?

The answer? Rewind back to the beginning - before you bought into the concept that you are less qualified or less knowing than the people around you. Back before you started blaming yourself. 

That’s the point from which more helpful, empowering perspectives can be planted and thrive.

That’s the point from which strong leadership is built. 

Leading Forward - the 4-week reset program for leaders of all kinds - begins in less than 2 weeks and there are a few spots left.

Corporate leadership/HR expert Stacy Henry and I created the program to help build and support strong, thriving leaders in these uncertain times. Straightforward and accessible - you won’t want to miss out.

More information about Leading Forward can be found here. 

When in doubt, be a human

Growing up, I would watch the news and hear bold declarations of right and wrong, with scary stories and even scarier pictures convincing me the world is a dangerous place. 

From time to time I would get wrapped up in a single stance, adopt a lens, and see the world through the side I had chosen. I would become angered and judgmental about entire groups of people and their viewpoints - taking everything quite personally and using it to fuel my own fears. 

When I would try to engage my father in a conversation or debate, he would simply wave his hand dismissively and state, “It’s all just politics.”

Some perspective…

My father grew up in the middle of a civil war in South Lebanon. This war took place only 50 years after another conflict - the fall of the Ottoman Empire - which debilitated and killed half of the country.

The civil war itself was ultimately a religious war between the Muslim and Christian political parties within Lebanon, however it was made much more complicated by the Palestinian - Israeli relationship which, for a variety of reasons and in a variety of different ways, created more fighting and violence within Lebanese borders.

When my father was a child, a bomb hit his home while my grandmother and her children were still inside. Thankfully, nobody was hurt. The family fled across the country and rode out the next ten years in disjointed groupings of family member dispersed across Lebanon.

If anyone has a billion reasons to be angry at and suspicious of humanity, it’s my grandparents. The one incident with their house was not a unique situation, and in many cases family members and loved ones of theirs died at the hands of the fighting going on around them. For decades, they lived through the worst of what humans can create.

And yet, my grandparents are two of the most charitable, kind, and loving people I know. My grandmother will, until her dying day, feed every single mouth that comes to her house and give money to every single person who asks for it. (Sorry everyone, she doesn’t have venmo yet!) Last year, when I went to Lebanon, my grandfather insisted on driving an extra 15 minutes to a gas station in a neighboring village because they gave a portion of their proceeds to charity.

These are just a few examples, but they highlight a clear choice that my grandparents made, and continue to make. Even though their lives were disrupted, uprooted, and scarred by the war, they saw it for what it was - a matter of politics. And they refused to let the politics impact how they show up to the world as human beings. 

We have a choice to make

Many of us are seeing politics play out in huge ways that we have not personally experienced in our lifetimes. It is chaotic, confusing, and painful. Each day brings us many groups of people to be angry at or pass judgements about. 

The effects can be personally damaging, even if we aren’t engaging externally with the narrative. When we let fear and vitriol build up within us, we are left feeling more afraid, more enraged, and most importantly - we start to believe that we are alone. 

We may even begin to hoard our humanity - not out of ill will to others - but due to a survivalist mindset built on the misconception that other humans, as a whole, are dangerous. 

I have been there, and I know others who have as well. It’s not a pleasant place to be. And it is entirely avoidable. 

How do you want to show up in this world?

To take a page out of my father’s book - a lot of the pain we are experiencing right now boils down to politics. Pure and simple.

Are politics important? Yes. Many of you are able to engage regularly on a political level and help shift the course of our future - and that’s amazing. 

However, politics are not synonymous with humanity. Humanity is about, well, the human. It’s about how your neighbor is a human being with joys and struggles and a family. And their family is comprised of human beings with their own set of joys and struggles. 

Choosing to see humanity in a sea of political conflict is about seeing the person in front of you for what they are - a fellow human with successes and failures and good days and bad days. It’s about focusing on the similarities first, before acknowledging the differences (not vice versa).

It’s definitely a practice, and it’s not always easy. However, I promise it’s worth it. 

The more you practice focusing on the human beings around you, on acknowledging them for who they are, on lifting them up when they’re down - the less isolated you will feel and the less afraid you will become. 

And a reminder that a huge part of giving to others is receiving from others. So, if you are depleted and exhausted and are the one who needs the lifting up - make sure that when others offer help or support that you take it. Often times, our own discomfort with receiving can lead us to lift others up at our own expense, which then perpetuates that feeling of isolation and fear. That’s not what we are going for here.

Leaning into your humanity means both being able to give and needing help. The two are not mutually exclusive and both need to happen to complete the circuit.

I do not know what will happen next week, or next month, or next year. No matter what happens, in the midst of all the noise and chaos, we all get to choose how we are showing up to the world each day and who we are being in it.

At the end of the day, that’s really what matters. The rest is all noise, and it too shall pass. 

The CEO skill that transformed my business … and my life

Years ago, I was sitting with the executive coach specifically tasked with helping me transition into my brand new CEO role.

As I was relaying the events of my week, I paused, sighed heavily, rolled my eyes, and exclaimed, “Oh! And we finally got everyone to show up on time for a meeting.” 

My team, extremely competent and committed, had differing ideas of what “on time” meant. However, from my vantage point I could see how the scattered start times were affecting the company’s work flow as a whole….plus tardiness really annoys me…. so I had made it my mission to shift the collective behavior. And it was taking much longer than I had hoped.

As I started back in on my list of “important” updates, my coach interrupted me.

“Lisa,” she said. “That’s a win! Do you see that?” 

I did not. 

It did not feel like a win. It felt like something that shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. It felt like I wanted to be focusing on other things. It felt like we were progressing more slowly than I had hoped. 

It felt like a win in the same way getting my car repaired after getting rear ended felt - time consuming, annoying, non-optional, and somehow my problem even though I didn’t cause it.

My coach, highly perceptive to my distinctive sneer, continued.

“If you’re going to be a CEO, you’re going to have to learn to celebrate the small wins.”

I whined back dismissively, “Yeah, I suppose…”

“No,” she stated firmly. “The small wins are important, because as a CEO, they’re the only ones you will get.”

This statement hit me like a ton of bricks to the gut.

“I want my money back,” I exclaimed.

She was right. Here’s why.

If a CEO is doing their job, they are maintaining a high level of perspective. They are seeing it all.

They are aware of every effort, every struggle, and every obstacle that went into each win. They also see the future work that needs to be planned and executed as a result of each win. 

When a CEO maintains perspective, every win - especially the large ones - carries inherent baggage. As they say - more money, more problems. And it’s the CEO’s job to both make more money and also lead their team through solving the problems that occur.

When the landscape is complicated and everything feels loaded - celebrating the small wins is crucial. Celebrating the small wins is a life line. Celebrating the small wins showcases the rocks that make hopping across a wide river possible. 

And plus, celebrating the small wins gives true perspective. It completes the picture - painting in the positive with the negative, the past in with the future. And whether or not you’re a CEO, perspective is incredibly valuable - especially during times of complication and uncertainty. 

At first, I was terrible at celebrating the small wins.

Committed to maintaining a realistic (read pessimistic) viewpoint, and not so great with the “touchy feely” stuff, it felt like an uncomfortable, mind-numbing, and pointless exercise.

I would sit down each day to make my coach-imposed list of my three small wins from the day before and slowly, routinely, and begrudgingly cultivated the mindfulness necessary to notice the wins as they happened.

Somewhere along the way, I became a stronger leader. I started noticing my team’s wins more and had the awareness and skills to acknowledge them. I started taking things less personally and felt more in control.

Our business thrived. And I became a happier, less stressed out person.

I hadn’t realized exactly how far I had come until years, when I was sitting in front of a new CEO. She was telling me about a step she had made in shifting her company culture. I interrupted her.

“That’s a win! Do you see that?” I asked.

She did not.

Without thinking twice, I advised, “If you’re going to be a CEO, you’re going to have to learn to celebrate the small wins… they’re the only ones you will get.” 

She rolled her eyes.

I laughed. She had no idea how much she was about to grow as a leader - but I did!

One final thing.

I’m no longer the CEO of that company, but I am a business owner and a human being. 

And celebrating the small wins continues to be instrumental to my growth and peace. 

Remember that whole thing about perspective? Perspective is an anchor in times of uncertainty and change. Perspective gives us a pole to climb up when the emotional flood waters start rolling in. 

Celebrating the small wins is one of the quickest ways to develop higher perspective. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable. Yes, it may feel like you’re just going through the motions at first. 

However, if you start writing down just three small wins every day, you will eventually start to notice a deeper sense of control and happiness. 

And before you know it, someone will be complaining to you and you will interrupt them.

“Hey, that’s a win! Do you see that?” you’ll ask.

They will not. And you will see how far you’ve come.

How to ask for help

Last night, I read an online journal entry of mine from when I was 14 years old. It was one line and it read: “I need help.”

Despite the straightforward nature of this post, and other posts like it, I spent my teens and twenties struggling desperately with asking for help.

Usually, I would see others around me receiving the support and care I so deeply desired. People seemed to rush to their aid, checking to make sure they were okay, knowing how to pull them back above water.

For me, it always felt different. 

For most of my life, I felt as thought I was screaming for help and support on the inside, only to have a silence come out of my mouth. By the time I could utter the words, “I need help” it was no longer a small request. It was urgent and massive plea. 

There are so many aspects of this topic to cover - from why it often feels like we’ve asked for help but haven’t received it, to why it can be so difficult to simply ask for help in the first place. But the topic I want to look at today is the how.

How do we ask for the help we need?

Because that’s really the question, isn’t it? It’s certainly the question I struggled to answer for decades of my life. It’s the question I have been watching many of us struggle to answer for the past many months as support has become more needed while becoming more scarce all at the same time.

So if you’re in need of help - in work, at home, in life - but you don’t know how to ask for it, try this on for size:

Try to be aware of your own defense and coping mechanisms in times of stress. 

Part of why I struggled in asking for help for so long is that I was fully committed to creating a “put together” facade. This facade went into overdrive during times of stress. So while I felt like I was sinking, those around me perceived me as being even more polished and stable. 

On the other end of the spectrum, some people are more hyperbolic and extreme in their emotional displays when stressed - beyond the scope of what they are actually feeling. This facade can lead to others erroneously dismissing their earnest pleas for help.

Becoming aware of the face you wear when you are in distress is helpful in overcoming it. I can guarantee you that the people around you either a) are so wrapped up in their own worlds they don’t realize you are wearing a mask or b) see your mask super clearly for what it is but don’t know if YOU realize that you are wearing a mask. Either way, it’s helpful if you can acknowledge it first.

Find someone you trust.

It doesn’t even need to be the person who can best help you directly with the thing.

Sometimes we find ourselves needing support in an area of our lives that our support system doesn’t cover. That’s okay. Ask the people you trust for help anyways.

Acknowledge that they may not be able to help you, but that you would like their help finding more suitable help. Meta, I know.

Say, “I need help.”

It sounds simple, but many people leave this crucial step out. They describe their turmoil, they may even allude to what they need, but they never actually request help and so it’s never actually received. 

This is hands down the easiest pattern to fix, and before you dismiss it and assume you always say the words - check yourself! Do you? And if not, definitely start.

Acknowledge if you’ve asked for help before.

Often times, people have a history of trying to ask for help, but feel as though they didn’t quite get what they needed. Maybe the other person’s response triggered them even further. Maybe the other person provided copious amounts of support - just not what they felt they had asked for. 

This step is tough for the people pleasers in the world because speaking up about how your needs were not met can be scary. But it’s so important! And if the other person wants to help you, they definitely want to know what type of help you need. Chances are they are doing their best to be there for you and just need more context from you.

Receive the help!

And try not to feel guilty about it. 

If, for whatever reason, you are still left in despair after receiving help - please tell someone. And if possible, ask for more.

You are not a refrigerator. You are not a kitchen appliance that needs to be fixed. 

You are a human being with feelings that change and circumstances that change and people who love you very much. No matter what that voice in your head says, the people who care about you will not be offended, be disappointed in you, or leave you if you ask for more help.

And above all, please never stop asking and searching for the help you need. You may not know what it looks like, and you may not have found it yet - but the help and support and relief you are seeking is somewhere on this earth - I promise you that.

If you’re or loved one are struggling, don’t wait to reach out.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255

That all or nothing attitude was never serving you (and it definitely isn’t now)

For most of my young life as a musician, I was taught that singular focus and dedication was the key to success. 

I remember hearing that I had to get my 10,000 hours in quicker than my peers in order to rise. I learned that specialization, not well-roundedness, was the key to thriving. And of course, the equation to performing at Carnegie Hall was crystal clear - practice practice practice.

I eagerly subscribed to this guidance and whole-heartedly believed that a work-centric, 110% committed, tunnel vision approach would pave the road to excellence.

And then I met Fenwick Smith. 

Arguably one of the best second flutists in the world, Fenwick Smith’s no nonsense, smart, and focused approach to music attracted me to his studio. I assumed I was signing up for a very serious, hardcore two years of focus on orchestral flute playing that would give me the success his students were notorious for.

That couldn’t have been further from the truth.

In addition to his “day job” at the Boston Symphony Orchestra, he was also a flute maker, committed teacher, active commissioner and performer of new music, builder of his own house, recording studio refurbisher and owner, human rights activist, and notoriously outstanding friend and colleague to many. 

In our lessons, questions about flute were always met with direct answers - except they were about life, not flute. It was clear that for him, being a flutist was a small piece of a larger life, and that all of the pieces benefitted greatly from each other. 

It was also clear that moderation was ever-present in his success. Very much a Quaker, he was not pompous nor was he into life-hacking his way into optimization. He cultivated inner steadiness and took life as it came to him. His extraordinary work ethic existed totally without that all-or-nothing attitude so familiar to me.

It was simple. It was effective. And it was freeing.

In my experience, the glorification of an extreme, all-in approach to work is not only present in classical music. The perspective is rampant in all areas of corporate and nonprofit life.

The issue is, this approach does not age well through times of uncertainty. Under the additional stress of the unknown, this approach starts to crumble, and the person is usually left frozen in self-blame, anger, and fear.

Does that sound familiar to you? Because it sure sounds familiar to me! 

A lot of people I’m speaking with these days have had the parameters of their all-or-nothing lifestyles shift on them, and as a result are crippled by the belief that they have failed forever and permanently. 

But here’s the thing…

If you are a musician who is crushed because you used to measure your success by the number and types of gigs you had lined up - but now the gigs are dried up….

If you are a CEO who is irate because you used to measure your success by how streamlined and automatic you made the workplace - but the unwieldy landscape has rendered your carefully constructed systems obsolete….

If you are an employee who is lost because you used to measure your success by how much you anticipated and met the needs of those around you - but you have no idea what people needed yesterday let alone tomorrow….

If you are an entrepreneur who is terrified because you used to measure your success by how much revenue you earned and how quickly - but the current world has made your sector unpredictable….

…Don’t worry. Take a breath. You did nothing wrong. 

This doesn’t mean you have to pivot, start over, or focus on a new specialty. You just need to expand your focus a little wider to see the areas of your life that have existed alongside your specialty all along.

In an all-or-nothing paradigm, we are taught that in order to achieve success, we have to get rid of everything that isn’t the #1 focus of the moment - even if we have spent years or decades building it. 

By expanding the lens through which we define ourselves and our success, rather than switching out the lens entirely, we afford ourselves the opportunity to truly grow. We get to keep the parts of ourselves that we have fostered and use them to cultivate the new projects or paths of any given moment.

Ultimately, we expand our capacity as a human being- simply and moderately, through pure work ethic, without ego or life-hacking optimization. 

No, it’s not a flashy process. There aren’t 10,000 hours to log. And when something goes wrong, there isn’t a process or person to blame. 

But the end result is more effective and more freeing than you could ever imagine.

What happens when you outsource your sense of stability

Most days, I spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking about stability and safety. I wish I could say that all of this time is due to questions and concerns that my clients bring up. And while some of it is, most of it is not. 

See, the truth is, I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure out where stability comes from. As a kid with extreme sensory sensitivities, the world seemed big, unruly, and scary. And as the daughter of two engineers, I believed that any question could be solved and fixed with proper analysis and hard work. So, I set off in life to figure out a) why I didn’t feel safe and b) where I could find and hold onto that elusive feeling of total stability. 

And for 30 years of my life, I tried my best to find the answers. I mean, I really, REALLY tried. It became like some convoluted anxiety-ridden version of Goldilocks and the 427 Bears. If I could just find the right job, the right relationships, the right roommate, the right friends, the right apartment, the right school, the right city, the right schedule, the right morning routine, the right income, the right email format, the right hairstyle, the right herbal tea…. If I could just find the right one, all of the puzzle pieces would fit and life would feel unshakeable and safe. 

Except sometimes, miraculously, I did find all the “right” ones (or at least what the world told me was right for me) but it still wasn’t enough. So then I set out to BE the right way. To talk the right way, to work the right way, to love the right way. I figured that if the external world I surrounded myself with was supposed to make me feel good, and I didn’t feel good, I somehow wasn’t being “enough” for that feeling of stability I yearned for so deeply. 

It was exhausting. And ineffective. And demoralizing.

Right now, most of us are experiencing an influx of instability in our external surroundings. Jobs we thought would be there forever are not there anymore - with no knowledge of when they will return. Services and events such as air travel, sports gatherings, and concerts are limited in scope and no longer carry the same enjoyable sense of safety and relaxation they used to. Many of us are becoming increasingly aware of just how severe racial inequalities in this country are - and how our fellow humans are affected. 

Every day brings something new, extreme, and sometimes terrifying. And I’m watching as the people close to me - my friends, my colleagues, my clients - are grasping to find the sense of stability they once felt… and coming up short. 

Here’s the thing - stability isn’t something you can outsource. Stability comes from your ability to simply trust that you will be okay. You’ve got this. 

“But Lisa - you don’t know if I will be okay. Anything could happen.”

Yes, anything could happen. 

However, when you choose not to build that internal trust as the starting point on your journey to stability, you have no choice but to turn externally. You have no choice but to look for the right job, the right path, the right city, the right mask to keep you “safe”. 

And when those don’t exist, or they don’t make you feel safe, you might turn against yourself. Most people do. You might start to think that if you could just focus more, work harder, nap less, be better - it would all work out. You might start to deduce that maybe the pieces aren’t broken - you are.

If this is happening - you’re not broken! You’re just outsourcing your sense of stability. You’re just trying to find a sense of steadiness and safety… and looking in the wrong place. Remember - it’s YOUR sense of stability. It’s within you.  

So, if you are feeling down because the career that you love is on pause due to the pandemic and you worry that it won’t return - try not blaming yourself for choosing the “wrong” career, and trust that you have the ability to find or create the opportunities you crave.

If you are feeling burnt out because you have been working non-stop for the past 3 months in a FOMO frenzy - try to acknowledge all of the hard work you’ve done up until this point, and trust that you will find the projects that are right for you even if you work half as much.

If you are labelling yourself as lazy for feeling tired or taking that extra nap - try to thank yourself for taking the rest you needed, engage in an activity that fills your cup up, and trust that you will eventually get the important stuff done.

If you feel frozen in inaction in your life or your career because you are waiting for some external sign that it’s appropriate for you to move forward - try appreciating your own sense of caution and sensitivity, and trust that you know what is best for you and if you want to take action, it is appropriate to take action.

No matter how hard you may try, you can’t find total safety and security outside of yourself. Yes, it may be tempting to seek external solutions to your internal discomfort. However, when you turn that focus inwards and cultivate a sense of trust inside yourself, the result is a rock-solid, unshakeable, and long-lasting version of stability that will see you through whatever the world throws your way.

Owning your baggage in order to effect change

As humans, we all have emotional baggage. We carry our limiting beliefs, past traumas, and fears of the future with us as we walk through our jobs, our relationships, and our lives.

Not all baggage is created equal. And how a person relates to their baggage can have a huge effect on how much weight they are carrying at any given time.

Some of us have overpacking tendencies and take a “throw it in and squeeze it shut” approach to our baggage. 

Some of us are fastidious about cleaning out and inventorying our baggage regularly - leading to light and organized loads. 

Some of us can’t handle the weight of our baggage, and when it feels too heavy to carry, we put it down.

Putting our baggage down is fine to do from time to time, however, once we put it down we may feel tempted to ditch it or ignore that it was ever ours in the first place. Especially if it was heavy. Especially if it felt uncontrollably messy.

The issue is - the baggage will get picked up.

Usually, it gets picked up by the people we come into contact with. Sometimes, we will even subconsciously hurl our baggage at others to carry. In the best case scenario, this is not done out of ill intent. In the best case scenario, we do this because we see them carrying a lot of baggage that looks similar to ours and we convince ourselves that it’s actually their responsibility to carry it.

But even if our actions are subconscious and our intent is good: The baggage isn’t theirs.  It never was.

This is what we are talking about when we talk about the invisible yet assumed emotional labor women carry in most workplaces - no matter their title or pay level.

This is what we are talking about when we talk about people of color routinely putting the emotional comfort of white people above their own - and still being blamed and harmed in the process.  

This is what we are talking about when we talk about marriages where one person always gets their needs met - at the expense of their spouse’s emotional safety and health.

So why don’t we all take our baggage back? The answer is quite simple. Most humans avoid being uncomfortable whenever possible.

If you were carrying someone else’s baggage, especially baggage they subconsciously unloaded onto you, and tried to give it back to them - it probably wouldn’t go over so well at first. The original owner likely wouldn’t even recognize the baggage as their own. They would only feel the uncomfortable weight that has just been added to their load. And so, they would naturally resist taking it on. They might even get angry at you for giving them this baggage. They may think that you the one to blame. They may think that you are the problem.  In reality, you’re the solution.

The fact of the matter is that we have to be the ones to sort out our own baggage. Nobody can heal our wounds for us. Nobody can expand our limiting beliefs for us. Nobody can address our fears but us. 

Yes, we can ask for help. We can get guidance. We can lean on our community. But in order to do that, we need to be carrying our own baggage first. Even if it’s been a long time since we’ve carried it. Even if we are uncomfortable because we wrongly thought that someone else was responsible for it. Even if the weight of it feels crushing. We need to hold it again if there is any hope of lightening the load.

And besides, the baggage isn’t theirs. It never was. 

How do I deal with my feels? A flowchart.

Yes, it is totally possible to build and cultivate your network online. I've been doing it for years.

Long before 2020 hit, I was working in the virtual space. During the years I spent as a consultant and manager, I worked with clients across the US and the world, many of whom I’ve still never met in person.

Even now in my coaching practice, there are many clients I know solely in the virtual space. This means that we met virtually, developed a deep, meaningful connection virtually, and continue to accomplish great work together…you guessed it…virtually.

I’ve read a few articles now about how the rise of virtual work is killing networking and professional connections. While I understand the perspective, I have a hard time embracing the sentiment given my personal experience. 

Yes, the online space can exacerbate the awkwardness associated with networking. And while there are many aspects of connecting virtually that feel more disconnected - there are also benefits, that when leveraged, can form deeper more meaningful connections.

Here are a few of the tips I’ve picked up along the way…

Always include a call to action

This is a general networking tip that has become so much more important in the virtual landscape.

All of us have been on the giving or receiving end of the “We should catch up” email. The email is sent. Weeks and months pass. But, a meeting never actually occurs. 

In the past, maybe this didn’t bother you so much. Maybe there was a chance you might run into this person out and about. But now that chance is diminished.

Here’s the thing - the more virtual the communication, the more direction it needs. 

Once you hit send, your piece of the interaction is over and you have no control over when or how the other person will read your message. You are relying on the words you sent to compel the other person to respond with action.

If you are trying to set up a meeting, especially if it is a networking meeting, it is imperative that your note include a call to action. This could look something like:

“Do you have some time this week to speak? Let me know.”

“Let me know,” is the most simple and effective call to action there is, and yes it makes a huge difference. Without it, you have simply posed a question. With it, you have signaled to the other person what they need to do once they answer that question.

If you haven’t been getting responses to your networking emails, try it out and let me know how it goes.

Minimize distractions

You’re a busy person. You have hours of meetings, endless emails to get through, and deadlines to meet. 

In an in-person meeting, if you were to whip out your inbox and start checking emails while a person was sitting across from you speaking, you would likely be seen as rude. 

However, in the safety of your own home you start to wonder - “Maybe I can become a multi-tasking wizard and finally feel on top of everything.”

So, you are in a phone or video meeting, but you also have other browsers and their alerts open where you can see them. Your inbox, your Facebook, your slack channel, that article you were reading before the call - they are all lurking in your periphery.

The thing is, just because you can always be logged on to the world now, doesn’t mean you should - especially if you are actively interacting with another human. 

First of all, it’s still considered rude, even if the other person or people can’t see what you’re doing. Secondly, it’s exhausting, since you’re requiring your brain to constantly be on alert and juggle stimulation from multiple sources.

Most importantly - it totally robs you of the human connection component of the conversation you’re in. 

Yes, connecting virtually with someone does require a little more effort to establish a connection. However, if you are keeping your whole virtual life up in the background while connecting with them, you are putting in all of the effort and reaping almost none of the reward. So, minimize (literally) those screens and distractions and focus on the conversation you’re having.

***If your work from home situation includes unavoidable distractions such as children, this may not be as possible for you. If there is a high likelihood that you could be interrupted, simply be up front about that possibility. You’re juggling a lot in less than ideal circumstances. People will understand.***

Mind your senses

Sometimes video meetings are great. They allow us to share screens, gather multiple people, easily record the conversation, and see the face of the person we are talking to.

However, if the goal of my call with someone is to establish or further a connection with them, I prefer telephone. 

The best example I have for why this is comes from my career as a performer. 

Ideally, when you’re playing music in an ensemble, you can clearly see your fellow musicians and easily follow their visual cues. 

Sometimes, for whatever reason, this isn’t possible. So you adjust.

With the absence of one sense (sight), you become hyper aware in your listening and even develop a peripheral sensitivity to the breath and movements of the people around you. When this goes well, it’s a feeling of total interconnectedness. It almost feels like you’re physically sitting in the seats of all of your fellow musicians simultaneously.

It’s the same thing with phone calls vs video calls. Sometimes, it’s great to see people when you speak to them. However, sometimes it can distract you from listening deeply. The assumption that the addition of more senses automatically allows us to make our conversations more meaningful is simply incorrect.

Without worrying about the visual aspect of the conversation, you are freed to listen more closely and be “in” the conversation more. Plus you give yourself a break from that constant state of zoom fatigue.

Have a strong (virtual) handshake

When two people meet for the first time, someone tends to instantly emerge as the leader of the interaction. The leader is the one who confidently approaches you first. They have a firm handshake. They guide you to your destination. They let the hostess know that you need a table for two.

There is an inherent safety in this subtle physical leadership that gives both participants the opportunity to settle into the conversation and feel secure.

While the physical component is not present online, there are certainly ways to lead a conversation or first interaction entirely with your voice that creates the same sense of security.

One thing I’ve noticed is that people typically have their first question prepared for the conversation ahead, but rarely are people prepared to deliver their first personal contribution.

You might hop on the phone and ask someone emphatically, “How are you?” 

They respond, “I’m great, how are you doing?”

You say, “Great!”

And then…. crickets. And because you’re online, the crickets sound more like sirens screaming *awkward*awkward*awkward* in your ear.

 The remedy for this is to be prepared to contribute something personal or substantial when you’re asked a question, especially at the beginning of a conversation. 

When they ask “How are you doing?” you might respond, “I’m great! I just went to my favorite coffee place to pick up my favorite coffee, and I know it’s such a small thing, but I feel like a new person!”

This small share on your part allows the other person to settle it, relate to you, and come up with a pertinent response or question. It adds space, structure, and security. And its 1000% less awkward.

In my personal experience, networking virtually doesn’t have to mean a death sentence for relationship cultivation and human connection. Rather, the more you focus on cultivating clarity and presence in your online interactions, the more your network (online and offline) will thrive.

The odds are half the battle - what the game of poker can teach us about navigating risk

I love poker.

While I’m personally not very big on gambling, I find the game of poker to be a perfect combination of mathematic strategy and human behavior. 

Top poker players are not only human statistics machines, they are also exceptionally aware - maintaining a zen-like detachment as they constantly detect and decipher the behavior of the other players and adjust accordingly.

Much like with chess, the game theory behind poker can offer us invaluable insight into the strategic navigation of our lives and businesses away from the table.

Here are a couple of the biggest lessons I've learned from the game…

The more you focus on your last hand, the less you can do with the cards you’ve just been dealt

The game of poker operates on a landscape that is always changing.

You may have been dealt great cards in your last hand that you wasted on a bad play. You might be at the table with aggressive players, passive players, or both. You may have had a few great runs an hour ago, but the past few hands have been rough and you start to wonder if the next one will be too. 

This is why maintaining presence is so important. While the landscape is always changing, the game and its foundations remain the same. The more you get caught up in what has changed, the easier it is to lose sight of just how in control you are in any given moment.

A player stuck in the past is less able to see how many options are available to them in the present and is less able to make a smart, level-headed decision about how to best move forward.

The world around us is always changing, yet when we try to navigate the changes each day brings, so many of us find ourselves stuck in the past. Focusing on what was and worrying about what might be not only magnifies our perceived lack of control - it actively works against us making informed and sound decisions about our present situation.

The statistics tell half of the story

There is a phase in a poker player’s development when they become married to the statistics. They spend hours memorizing charts and scenarios based on the cold hard numbers. And then at the table they become obsessed with executing a mathematically perfect game - only playing the hands most likely to win, and folding any hand that falls beneath an acceptable percentage level. 

Besides being rather boring and predictable to play against, players who obsess over the facts of the math are most likely to go “on tilt” - a phrase that refers to a state of emotional confusion or frustration in which a player adopts a less than optimal game strategy.

When a statistics-obsessed player goes on tilt, it is typically because things didn’t pan out as the math dictated they should have, leaving the player feeling confused and out of control as the game moves forward. Once a player is on tilt, they are almost always sure to lose. 

The world is full of facts and statistical generalizations intended to help us decide how we should run our lives and businesses. Examples of these include:

Having a degree in writing makes it more likely you will get a job as a writer.

Someone in your field with your education and experience typically works 50 hours a week for $50,000 dollars a year.

The economy is down and there are 10% less jobs than there were last month. 

These types of fact-based generalizations have merit to them. However, they only paint half of the truth.

When we become hyper-focused on adopting a perspective totally founded in the numbers, we dismiss the unique human being behind our life and career. We limit our opportunities before we even start. 

You may not have a degree in writing, but you may be a stellar writer with killer writing industry connections.

You may have a certain education or level of experience, but your unique ability to synthesize that background into practical knowledge may allow you to work 20 hour weeks at $100,000 a year.

There may be fewer jobs out there, but you’re not applying for millions of jobs. You’re applying for a dozen and looking for one. The 10% decrease may not affect your search at all.

Additionally, much like in poker, when we put all our eggs in the statistically sound path, we significantly increase the chance that when reality strays from the story we’ve chosen, we will go on tilt. 

We run the risk of becoming angry and confused. 

You get that writing degree but it still doesn’t lead to the opportunities it should have.

We make increasingly poor decisions due to panic and a perceived loss of control. 

You start accepting tons of jobs at a discounted rate, winding up with 80 hours of work a week for a total of $30,000 a year.

Ultimately, we feel like we’ve lost, even when we haven’t.

In poker, as in life, there are certain elements we can control and certain elements we can’t. The more we over-identify with any one piece of information, especially when that information is based on the experience of others, the less present we become in crafting our own lives.

All we can do is show up each day, detached from the events of yesterday, open to tomorrow’s outcome, and ready to take the information as it comes to us. When we can allow ourselves this level of awareness and presence, we give ourselves the best shot possible at winning the hand.