How to ask for help

Last night, I read an online journal entry of mine from when I was 14 years old. It was one line and it read: “I need help.”

Despite the straightforward nature of this post, and other posts like it, I spent my teens and twenties struggling desperately with asking for help.

Usually, I would see others around me receiving the support and care I so deeply desired. People seemed to rush to their aid, checking to make sure they were okay, knowing how to pull them back above water.

For me, it always felt different. 

For most of my life, I felt as thought I was screaming for help and support on the inside, only to have a silence come out of my mouth. By the time I could utter the words, “I need help” it was no longer a small request. It was urgent and massive plea. 

There are so many aspects of this topic to cover - from why it often feels like we’ve asked for help but haven’t received it, to why it can be so difficult to simply ask for help in the first place. But the topic I want to look at today is the how.

How do we ask for the help we need?

Because that’s really the question, isn’t it? It’s certainly the question I struggled to answer for decades of my life. It’s the question I have been watching many of us struggle to answer for the past many months as support has become more needed while becoming more scarce all at the same time.

So if you’re in need of help - in work, at home, in life - but you don’t know how to ask for it, try this on for size:

Try to be aware of your own defense and coping mechanisms in times of stress. 

Part of why I struggled in asking for help for so long is that I was fully committed to creating a “put together” facade. This facade went into overdrive during times of stress. So while I felt like I was sinking, those around me perceived me as being even more polished and stable. 

On the other end of the spectrum, some people are more hyperbolic and extreme in their emotional displays when stressed - beyond the scope of what they are actually feeling. This facade can lead to others erroneously dismissing their earnest pleas for help.

Becoming aware of the face you wear when you are in distress is helpful in overcoming it. I can guarantee you that the people around you either a) are so wrapped up in their own worlds they don’t realize you are wearing a mask or b) see your mask super clearly for what it is but don’t know if YOU realize that you are wearing a mask. Either way, it’s helpful if you can acknowledge it first.

Find someone you trust.

It doesn’t even need to be the person who can best help you directly with the thing.

Sometimes we find ourselves needing support in an area of our lives that our support system doesn’t cover. That’s okay. Ask the people you trust for help anyways.

Acknowledge that they may not be able to help you, but that you would like their help finding more suitable help. Meta, I know.

Say, “I need help.”

It sounds simple, but many people leave this crucial step out. They describe their turmoil, they may even allude to what they need, but they never actually request help and so it’s never actually received. 

This is hands down the easiest pattern to fix, and before you dismiss it and assume you always say the words - check yourself! Do you? And if not, definitely start.

Acknowledge if you’ve asked for help before.

Often times, people have a history of trying to ask for help, but feel as though they didn’t quite get what they needed. Maybe the other person’s response triggered them even further. Maybe the other person provided copious amounts of support - just not what they felt they had asked for. 

This step is tough for the people pleasers in the world because speaking up about how your needs were not met can be scary. But it’s so important! And if the other person wants to help you, they definitely want to know what type of help you need. Chances are they are doing their best to be there for you and just need more context from you.

Receive the help!

And try not to feel guilty about it. 

If, for whatever reason, you are still left in despair after receiving help - please tell someone. And if possible, ask for more.

You are not a refrigerator. You are not a kitchen appliance that needs to be fixed. 

You are a human being with feelings that change and circumstances that change and people who love you very much. No matter what that voice in your head says, the people who care about you will not be offended, be disappointed in you, or leave you if you ask for more help.

And above all, please never stop asking and searching for the help you need. You may not know what it looks like, and you may not have found it yet - but the help and support and relief you are seeking is somewhere on this earth - I promise you that.

If you’re or loved one are struggling, don’t wait to reach out.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255