Why your best is enough - even when it doesn't feel that way

“I have a question for you Lisa. Are you on board with the concept that by simply trying your best, that is enough?”

I was sitting at a post-breakup therapy appointment with my favorite therapist Al - a Philadelphia-born middle-aged man who loved sarcasm and Clif Bars.  

“Absolutely not,” I replied without blinking an eye. 

While a breakup had brought me back to therapy, Al had quickly and skillfully drawn a line between my tendency to label every disappointment in my life - whether it be personal or professional - a total failure on my part.

And he was right. I did see these disappointments as personal failures. I tried my best, but my best obviously wasn’t enough. Therefore, I wasn’t enough, and by proxy was considered a failure. The logic was unshakeable in my mind.

Al rolled his eyes at my dismissive response and served up one of his own. 

“You’re really going to make an interesting parent one day, Lisa. I can’t wait to watch you motivate your baby into walking by berating them every time they fall.”

Self-criticism is addicting

A lot of people I’ve spoken to lately are caught in a remarkable cycle of self-criticism about their energy levels, efficiency levels, productivity levels, and moods.

People are admitting to emotional outbursts, erratic sleep schedules, and moments of inexplicable laziness as though they have failed significantly at life. 

“I know better,” they say. “I should be able to do better.”

When I ask if they are trying their best, usually they respond that they are - only to quickly rescind this response and list all of the ways that they could be doing better if only they had more time/energy/discipline.

In other words, the worth of their effort and intent quickly gets undermined by their lengthy list of less than perfect outcomes. They feel like this observation of obvious failure should motivate them to do better next time. But next time feels impossible. Their motivation feels even lower than before. 

And they can’t figure out why.

How we motivate ourselves

A lot of us are used to being in some sort of race or chase. Whether it’s with a standard we have set or a standard set by those around us, many of us have grown accustomed to using the areas of lack to fuel action and achievement in the pursuit of that standard.

High achievers, especially, spend a fair amount of their lives using this tactic as a source of extreme motivation and energy in the pursuit of their goals. 

The issue is - much like fossil fuel - this achievement-based source of energy is a limited resource and produces a lot of toxicity in the process of being used.

In other words, it will get you there. But at what cost?

The extraordinary value of appreciating yourself

2020 has, in many ways, forced us to examine how we externalize our sense of worthiness. With stressors heightened to a wild degree, and many achievement-based systems placed on hold or removed altogether, it can be a struggle for many of us to simply show up every day. 

And even on the days we are able to give it our all, and try our best - for those of us who habitually seek worthiness within the achievement or result, our best still doesn’t feel good enough. 

But it is. It always was. But especially now. 

I’ve written a few times about gratitude, and the same sentiment applies here. If we can not acknowledge and be grateful to ourselves for trying our best, we are robbing ourselves from developing a healthy perspective. We are standing in one corner of the room, staring at the wall, upset that there isn’t a picture hung there - when there may well be a room full of pictures behind us that we aren’t seeing.

Acknowledging that you are trying your best - and appreciating yourself for doing so - isn’t avoiding reality or responsibility. Acknowledging that trying your best was enough gives you a strong base to jump off of when you are ready to try again. It cultivates a different kind of energy or fuel for motivation. One that is very renewable and is ultimately less toxic to your internal ecosystem.

To sum it all up…

I know it can be hard to detach from old coping mechanisms and attachments to external results. When I say I know, I mean I really know. Perfectionism, negative self-talk, impossible standards…. those used to be my BFFs. Except, in reality, they were more like frenemies than friends - convincing me they wanted the best for me but working against me the whole time.

So, if you have been feeling frustrated with yourself recently, I invite you to thank yourself. Thank yourself for trying your best. Even if you wish it looked different, your best was enough yesterday. And it will be enough today. And if you let it, it will be enough tomorrow, too.