The question I ask to establish and grow trust

“I’m getting a divorce.”

I was sitting at a conference, and had just exchanged pleasantries with the woman next to me. When I asked if she had any summer plans, she responded with the news about her impending divorce. 

I had just met this woman and though she looked sad while telling me her news, she wasn’t visibly devastated. 

So, I proceeded to ask her one of my favorite questions.

I use it all of the time, not only with strangers, but also with friends and clients when they tell me a fact with a certain amount of declaration or weight in their voice. In fact, I ask it so much that my close friends have started answering me before I’m even done asking the question.

“How do you feel about that?” I asked, my voice curious but emotionally detached. 

“You know…” she replied. “I’m so HAPPY! I feel like I shouldn’t be, but I really am.”

We then spent the next few minutes excitedly reviewing all of her plans for her first single summer in twenty years. We parted ways after the session ended, but she continued to pop up through my time at the conference - introducing me to the people she met and including me in plans.

The Myth of The Universal Reaction

When we aren’t giving it much thought, most of us automatically react to certain pieces of news with the socially agreed upon response.

They will tell us…

I’m getting a divorce.

I am up for a promotion.

I got laid off.

We will immediately respond…

Oh no!! Are you okay?

That’s fantastic!

I’m so sorry. That’s tough. :-(

The truth is that many of us have complicated reactions to the events in our lives. Some things make us happy that we feel should make us sad, and vice versa. Sometimes we have tons of conflicting feelings about one situation.

When we interact with others, we tend to deliver our news in the way we believe will make others feel most comfortable. When they respond as we expect them to, the other piece of us - the piece that is secretly upset when we feel like we should be excited - burrows deeper down inside. 

Especially with those closest to us - we think we know what they’re feeling, and rarely leave room for the possibility that we don’t. This can lead to inevitably huge misunderstandings and a blurring of boundaries between who owns what emotions.

Just Ask

By asking someone how they feel about a situation that they’ve just brought up, we give them the space to elaborate on their emotions. We subtly acknowledge that they may have complicated feelings. We make it okay for them to be human.

With strangers, like with the woman at that conference, this immediately builds a sense of trust. With our friends and family, it builds a greater sense of intimacy. In the workplace, it’s a leadership hack that builds healthy culture and improves general effectiveness.

I really is a no-brainer.

All it takes is a little awareness and the willingness to pause. And in the matter of 2 seconds, and with just 6 words, you can transform and improve the relationships in all areas of your life.