Got problems? Get boundaries.

Boundaries. What a loaded word.

If your life has unfolded at all like my own, you suddenly started hearing about boundaries in your early 20s as though they were a very important item you simply forgot to pick up at Trader Joe’s.

“You feel unappreciated in your relationship? That’s because you don’t have any boundaries.”

“Your boss is routinely taking advantage of you at work? You need better boundaries.”

“You’re exhausted all the time and feel pulled in a million different directions? You should have more boundaries.”

Got problems? They ask. Get boundaries! They say.

But then what? And how do you know if you’ve got the right ones? And what do you even do with them once you have them?

What even is a boundary?

I define a boundary as a clearly self-identified need during one’s interactions with themselves and others. 

For example, you might identify that in order to function optimally inside and outside of work, you need to only engage in work communications during work hours. 

However, identification is only the first of four steps in setting a healthy boundary.

First, we must identify what we need - often times through experiencing the results of not getting it. 

Next, we must commit to prioritizing that need. When we don’t prioritize our needs internally, they lack the strength to become boundaries. Essentially we treat them like we treat wishes - nice if they happen, fine if they don’t.

Then, through a variety of ways, we need to communicate the boundary. We can proactively and verbally communicate our boundary in the form of an agreement. Or, if our boundary is unlikely to be crossed, we can simply be prepared to address it if and when it comes up. 

Finally, once the boundary has been communicated, it is on us to enforce it. This means continuing to communicate when it is crossed, and if applicable, clearly communicating and adhering to future repercussions.

How these steps are carried out can look wildly different based on the situation.

For example, how I set my boundaries around my clients showing up on time to our sessions (proactively communicated, agreed upon in advance, and with low level repercussions) is not going to be the same as how I set my boundaries around my clients not committing a felony during our sessions (not proactively communicated or agreed upon, but with high level repercussions). 

But in any situation where a boundary is properly set, all four of these steps will unfold in some way.

Then why do so many of us struggle

For many of us, we were actually taught about boundaries long before we heard the word. Whether they knew it or not, the adults and authority figures in our young lives modeled how we should address our needs when interacting with others. 

And for the most part, the adults and authority figures out there are modeling extremely unhealthy boundary behavior.

Perhaps you were shown the bleeding heart model of boundary setting. In this model, you know exactly what your needs are. However, the thought of enforcing them, or even communicating them, makes you break out into terror sweats. What if nobody likes you anymore? What if everyone leaves you?

While you are clearly screaming your needs on the inside, they never quite translate to the outside world. So, it seems like nobody around you cares and you becoming increasingly sad, bitter, or angry.

Maybe you were taught the stoic model of boundary setting. In this model, people are dangerous because they can hurt you and take advantage of you. You’re happy to communicate and enforce rules, but quite frankly they have nothing to do with what you actually need. They exist for the sake of existing.

So when people break your rules, even if their actions don’t actually affect you, your response becomes increasingly punitive. In your mind, the whole point of boundaries is to keep you safe! And if people break your rules that don’t even matter, how can they be trusted with boundaries around your actual needs? So you dig in and distance yourself further from others, and in the process, your own internal voice. 

Who are you trying to please?

While these are not the only models, they are two of the most common. And in both cases, the overarching theme is people pleasing. In the bleeding heart model, you are seeking to please and placate others. In the stoic model, you are seeking to please and placate yourself. 

This is why seeking to please is a boundary killer. You must instead ask yourself, “What will serve?” 

What will serve your needs? What will serve their growth and evolution? What will serve the end result you’re going for? What will serve a mutually beneficial environment of trust and honesty?

So, there you have it. When you’re willing to switch from a people pleasing mentality to a service mentality, you will have all the boundaries you’ll ever need. And plus you’ll be a model to all of those around you for how easy it can be to have healthy and functioning boundaries.