Toxic Productivity and Dangerous Dreaming

For years, I was practically allergic to dreaming big. I simply had no time for it. 

When others asked me questions like “If you knew that you could not fail, what would you attempt?” I presented a “dream” large enough to satisfy the question so that I could carry on with my mission of chasing achievable goals. 

This is the part where, as a professional coach writing a blog post for public consumption, I should probably reflect on how I was simply “playing small” and didn’t believe in myself enough.

I should probably spin a narrative about how when I started dreaming big I started achieving big. 

The inspirational coach-y message I should probably deliver is that I realized that all of my problems and constraints were simply figments of my past self’s silly imagination. And that once I was able to kill the voice in my head that told me not to dream big, I started #killingit.

And to an extent, that would be the truth. But it would not, by any means, be the full truth. 

Because what I encountered on the other side of the self-limiting-beliefs rainbow was a voice waiting for me that ultimately felt much more toxic. And while the voice I heard was largely internal, it also existed (sometimes even more loudly) outside of myself.

Once I started dreaming bigger…

I did, in fact, start to see bigger results. However, I quickly started making my results mean more than they actually meant. 

I wanted to believe that the financial goal I had just hit meant that I would never feel scarcity again. I wanted to believe that my full client list meant that I would never feel rejected again. I wanted to believe that kickass proposal meant that I was officially up-leveled in my career.

And then a week later, I found myself depressed and tired, unable to get out of bed. This was not a new reality for me as I’ve struggled with low-grade depression for the better part of my life.

But this time around, I felt twice as scared.

I was supposed to be a new me! I was supposed to be playing a bigger game! I was supposed to be beyond that self-defeating behavior! I was supposed to be fixed!

Suddenly, I felt the full weight of the toxicity that can so easily accompany self-improvement culture. 

It’s not that productivity is bad. It’s not that working hard is bad. It’s not that results or goals or dreams are bad.

It’s what we make our achievements mean about ourselves. It’s what we make other people’s mindsets mean about them. It’s the choice between saying “do this tomorrow” versus asking “who are you being today?” 

The more meaning we assign to our achievements, or even to the achievements of others, the more we allow toxicity to silently grow.

And then one day, when your external results don’t match up to your internal vision for yourself - bam! - the toxic air hits you. 

You must not be productive enough! You must not be good enough! 

You must not be enough.

I’ve got some news for you…

Your full calendar or business does not make you a good person. Your super packed, life-hacked schedule does not make you loved. Your growing income does not make you more worthy.

You are good, loved, and worthy exactly as you are. Always. Whether you are laying in bed or getting a promotion - you are exactly as full and whole as a human as you were the day before. 

However, our society has built productivity up to be some sort of elite status. And this is highly destructive. Especially when it’s presented as the path to happiness and worthiness as a human being. Especially when it’s being touted as the way out of a slump caused by grieving, trauma, or depression. 

So, as a reminder, for anyone who needs to hear it: Productivity is not a virtue. 

Kindness, compassion, and patience are.