What happens when you outsource your sense of stability

Most days, I spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking about stability and safety. I wish I could say that all of this time is due to questions and concerns that my clients bring up. And while some of it is, most of it is not. 

See, the truth is, I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure out where stability comes from. As a kid with extreme sensory sensitivities, the world seemed big, unruly, and scary. And as the daughter of two engineers, I believed that any question could be solved and fixed with proper analysis and hard work. So, I set off in life to figure out a) why I didn’t feel safe and b) where I could find and hold onto that elusive feeling of total stability. 

And for 30 years of my life, I tried my best to find the answers. I mean, I really, REALLY tried. It became like some convoluted anxiety-ridden version of Goldilocks and the 427 Bears. If I could just find the right job, the right relationships, the right roommate, the right friends, the right apartment, the right school, the right city, the right schedule, the right morning routine, the right income, the right email format, the right hairstyle, the right herbal tea…. If I could just find the right one, all of the puzzle pieces would fit and life would feel unshakeable and safe. 

Except sometimes, miraculously, I did find all the “right” ones (or at least what the world told me was right for me) but it still wasn’t enough. So then I set out to BE the right way. To talk the right way, to work the right way, to love the right way. I figured that if the external world I surrounded myself with was supposed to make me feel good, and I didn’t feel good, I somehow wasn’t being “enough” for that feeling of stability I yearned for so deeply. 

It was exhausting. And ineffective. And demoralizing.

Right now, most of us are experiencing an influx of instability in our external surroundings. Jobs we thought would be there forever are not there anymore - with no knowledge of when they will return. Services and events such as air travel, sports gatherings, and concerts are limited in scope and no longer carry the same enjoyable sense of safety and relaxation they used to. Many of us are becoming increasingly aware of just how severe racial inequalities in this country are - and how our fellow humans are affected. 

Every day brings something new, extreme, and sometimes terrifying. And I’m watching as the people close to me - my friends, my colleagues, my clients - are grasping to find the sense of stability they once felt… and coming up short. 

Here’s the thing - stability isn’t something you can outsource. Stability comes from your ability to simply trust that you will be okay. You’ve got this. 

“But Lisa - you don’t know if I will be okay. Anything could happen.”

Yes, anything could happen. 

However, when you choose not to build that internal trust as the starting point on your journey to stability, you have no choice but to turn externally. You have no choice but to look for the right job, the right path, the right city, the right mask to keep you “safe”. 

And when those don’t exist, or they don’t make you feel safe, you might turn against yourself. Most people do. You might start to think that if you could just focus more, work harder, nap less, be better - it would all work out. You might start to deduce that maybe the pieces aren’t broken - you are.

If this is happening - you’re not broken! You’re just outsourcing your sense of stability. You’re just trying to find a sense of steadiness and safety… and looking in the wrong place. Remember - it’s YOUR sense of stability. It’s within you.  

So, if you are feeling down because the career that you love is on pause due to the pandemic and you worry that it won’t return - try not blaming yourself for choosing the “wrong” career, and trust that you have the ability to find or create the opportunities you crave.

If you are feeling burnt out because you have been working non-stop for the past 3 months in a FOMO frenzy - try to acknowledge all of the hard work you’ve done up until this point, and trust that you will find the projects that are right for you even if you work half as much.

If you are labelling yourself as lazy for feeling tired or taking that extra nap - try to thank yourself for taking the rest you needed, engage in an activity that fills your cup up, and trust that you will eventually get the important stuff done.

If you feel frozen in inaction in your life or your career because you are waiting for some external sign that it’s appropriate for you to move forward - try appreciating your own sense of caution and sensitivity, and trust that you know what is best for you and if you want to take action, it is appropriate to take action.

No matter how hard you may try, you can’t find total safety and security outside of yourself. Yes, it may be tempting to seek external solutions to your internal discomfort. However, when you turn that focus inwards and cultivate a sense of trust inside yourself, the result is a rock-solid, unshakeable, and long-lasting version of stability that will see you through whatever the world throws your way.