Giving yourself the (cyber)space to heal

A few years ago, I was healing from a lot. I had left a job on a rather low note and was wildly burnt out after years of working 80+ hour weeks. I was grappling with the fallout of a breakup that unearthed a huge truckload of insecurities. I had finally faced nearly 10 years of avoided financial reality and accumulated debt. 

And at the same time this was all happening, I started working entirely from home and the interactive aspect of my career moved 100% online. I thought that working from home would provide a welcome retreat from the constant (and often unwelcome) energies, moods, triggers, and opinions of others in my space.

However, the digital landscape quickly provided me with a new kind of hyper-filtered, constantly present view of my peers and colleagues. I saw posed group pictures with heart emojis in the captions, and watched as mortal frenemies “liked” or “loved” each others content. I read endless “I’m so humbled and excited to announce” career updates. Someone was always doing something new and flashy and exciting each day. 

This combined with my newfound free time did not always provide the retreat I thought it would. More often than not, it created a sort of hellish mental game - where I had constant access to a ton of carefully selected half-truths painted as perfect whole-truths…plus the space and isolation to let my imagination run wild. 

Perhaps this sounds familiar to you, because maybe this is what you have been encountering throughout this period of stay-at-home self-isolation. If so, I know it’s tough. But the good news is, I have been here before, and there are tangible steps you can take to make it better.

Here are some things I have done, and you can do, to make the space in your world to heal when you are physically isolated and digitally connected. 

Unfollow Unfollow Unfollow

When my career moved online, social media became more and more of a professional necessity. Partially due to the social nature of my job, and partially because connecting with humans was no longer baked into my immediate physical atmosphere, I found myself on social media apps more and more. However, with that increase in social media time came an extraordinary increase in anxiety.

My especially emotionally raw state left me particularly vulnerable to the ferocity of comparison mode and FOMO. Even when I wasn’t being set off by the posts in front of me, I was increasingly anticipating the appearance of a triggering post. Soon, the anxiety was a constant.

So, I started unfollowing people on Facebook**, my main social media outlet of choice. At first, I unfollowed a few people, and then I unfollowed everyone. And let me tell you, the silence was bliss. 

Suddenly, what felt like a daily journey into pandora’s box felt clean and manageable. I could still view my friends’ content, but I had to opt in to seeing it by purposefully going to their page. And the fear that I would somehow miss out on an important post that would leave me socially in the dark just never came true.

Since then, I have added friends and clients back to my feed, but I will still happily unfollow people, pages, or threads that make me feel anything less than great. 

**Instagram and Twitter have the same feature, except they call it muting

Triage your social circle

Shortly after I started curating the online content I was ingesting, I started to experience acute clarity around how people made me feel in the real world. I hadn’t realized it until that point, but my blind participation in an online world that often made me feel insecure was bleeding over into my personal interactions. In other words - I had poor social boundaries that revolved around pleasing others who wouldn’t or couldn’t respect me. 

While typically I might have noticed this and established firmer boundaries and standards on the spot, I was still healing and did not have the energy or emotional capacity to do so. So instead I subscribed to this rule for six months:

Do I feel happy and safe around this person? If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hard no.

As much as was possible, and I acknowledge it wasn’t always possible, I would not interact with the hard no folks. I would not go to gatherings I knew they would be at. I would not hang out with them. I would not have phone calls with them. I would not engage in text banter with them. 

“Sorry, I can’t,” became my new favorite phrase, and if a person called me out on my unavailability, I would politely but firmly state “I just don’t have a lot of capacity right now.” Which was true. I didn’t. 

I thought adhering to this rule would make me lonely and miserable, but the opposite was true. I found I had just as much of a social life, yet all of my anxiety dropped. My healing process was expedited, and once I was fully okay again, I did make sure to circle back with the people closest to me and instill new boundaries. 

Even when we aren’t spending our days physically around others, we still have people who have personal access to us. But remember, access is a two way street, and you are responsible for the company you keep.

Know the difference between numbing, dwelling, and processing

Ideally, when an emotional trigger presents itself, we have the space, capacity and awareness to process it so that we learn a lesson and grow. However, when we are constantly bombarded with people and messages that poke at our sore points, we typically teeter between dwelling on the issue or numbing out and escaping it all together. 

For a lot of us, dwelling feels the worst, and so we go to great lengths to avoid it. Typically, this means we engage in self-soothing or numbing behavior. We watch a funny show on Netflix or get lost in a Youtube tunnel, or take infinite naps, or absorb ourselves in work. 

And this is totally fine! Self-soothing is often a necessary step to avoid the initial impulse of a negative spiral. 

However, in order to heal, we must eventually process. And emotionally processing in self-isolation needs to be a much more purposeful activity, since many of the everyday opportunities and interactions that help processing along have been temporarily taken away. 

Processing activities are a little more active and include things like journaling, talking at yourself in a voice memo (aka audio journaling), talking to a friend, therapist, or coach, physical activity, mindfulness practices, or engaging in creative processes such as songwriting or drawing.

Processing can feel a little scarier than self-soothing because it engages with our negative feelings in a way that makes dwelling feel more possible. This is heightened in self-isolation because nobody wants to be stuck dwelling alone. 

But it’s okay - if the processing becomes a little too much you can always turn the Netflix back on, take a deep breath, and try again later. Every little bit of processing helps, and healing definitely doesn’t have to look or feel perfect.

If you find your comparison mode switch stuck in the “on” position, or simply feel more anxious than you did before, I suggest looking at and cleaning up how your interact with the online space. It won’t be forever, and it may give you the space you need to heal and achieve peace during this time.

The Graveyard of Gigs Lost - how to list opportunities cancelled during the pandemic on your materials

Dear artists, freelancers, and anyone with a job or contract that has been disrupted by the coronavirus pandemic…

You may be at the point where you are freshening up your resume or bio in order to apply for new jobs or next year’s gigs. And you may be wondering:

How the hell do I acknowledge what has just happened to my calendar?

March, April and May are huge months for most people in creative fields. A lot of people have had a lot of jobs disappear that were not only revenue generators, but also important line items for their resume and bio. 

Typically, we only list the jobs we’ve actually completed. But this feels different. 

Because it is. So let’s break it down. 

As far as your resume and materials go, the following rules apply:

1. A resume is an accumulation of accomplishments and experiences. 

2. Getting hired for a job is an accomplishment.

3. Performing a job is an experience.

4. Typically, we perform the jobs we are hired for, and that is why we combine the accomplishments and experiences into one entry.

5. Also typically, losing a job you were hired for before your perform it is either a poor reflection on you (you lied or were unprofessional) or the result of an accidental situation (you got very sick and they had to replace you).

6. As a result, under normal circumstances, we don’t list jobs we were hired for and didn’t perform because it can draw attention to errors we have made or increase doubt in the mind of the hiring party by making us subconsciously appear accident prone.

However, this is not a typical situation. This is a global pandemic! So let’s go back to the basics.

1. A resume is an accumulation of accomplishments and experiences. 

2. Getting hired for a job is an accomplishment.

3. Performing a job is an experience.

If you have had a contracted job cancelled or postponed due to the coronavirus pandemic - still list it on your resume - at least for the next year.

Remember, being hired for the job was the accomplishment. You just had the experience cancelled, but the accomplishment still exists.

Plus, if you label a job as cancelled on your resume, and also label it as occurring during April of 2020, it’s not as though people will wonder why. Literally every human on earth is experiencing this right now. Trust that your fellow humans will remember that we were in the middle of a global pandemic and that’s why your job was cancelled.  

Big Disclaimer - be sure to label any cancelled or postponed jobs during this time as such. You don’t want to ignore the fact that the show did not go on - doing so will make the reader second guess the legitimacy of your entire resume. And you don’t want that. 

You do not need to pretend that all of those jobs you auditioned for, applied for, and negotiated for don’t exist. You may not have gotten to experience them, but you definitely accomplished securing them in the first place - and that’s worth noting.

I get that I need to take time for myself. But like…how?

Here we are, many weeks into a global pandemic, constantly attempting to settle into the “new normal” on any given day. 

By now, we have thankfully been hearing more about the importance of going easy on ourselves throughout this time and creating the space we each need to mourn, heal, and recalibrate. For those of us who can veer towards productivity addiction, this is a fantastic message to hear. However, the reminder about the value of space has caused another question to appear…

But, how?

“My days went from structured to not - how do I schedule in time for myself when no time is scheduled?”

“I feel like I’m sitting around doing nothing important at all - how do I create space that is healing when I feel so guilty about the space I’ve taken?”

“I feel busier than ever and like I’m being pulled in a thousand directions - how do create the space when there is none?”

“Whenever I take space, it feels like I return to a to do list that is twice as long - how do I take time for me without making it more stressful in the end.”

Sometimes, the advice we most need to integrate into our lives is the advice most perplexing to integrate into our lives. Yet, many of us stop short of asking the “how” question because we assume we are the only ones facing confusion.  

So, if you have been asking yourself “But, how?” in response to the “take more space” advice - know that you are not alone. And here are some pointers on how to tackle the daunting task of taking the time you need.

Stop with the guilt.

Yes, I’m starting with the advice that is the most hard to take and also inspires another “but, how” question. But it’s important to start with the guilt factor. When it comes to your emotional and energetic state…

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

You never did have anything to feel guilty for, but especially now, everyone is feeling a bit wobbly in their energetic and emotional state. Everyone. Every. One. 

The more open you are to the concept that even at your most guilt-ridden, your feelings of guilt are simply rooted in fear and anxiety rather than reality, the more equipped you will be to create the space you need. 

Schedule yourself in.

Whether your currently schedule is wide open or your days are free, actually physically scheduling time in for you is key. Two general rules apply:

1) It’s easier to grow something from nothing. 

If you are short on free time, start with scheduling in small 15-minute chunks of time throughout the day. And then, in a week, graduate to 30-minute chunks. And then, in another week, maybe put aside one half day in your week. And so on and so forth. Sometimes we humans try to wait until the conditions are perfect to reserve the space we need, but when we do that, we exhaust ourselves in the waiting process. I’ve found it’s better, more manageable, and more effective to start small and grow over time. 

2) Contrast can help with effectiveness.

If your calendar is wide open and you are struggling with structure, you don’t need to plan out your entire day every day in order to create space for yourself. You may only need bookends to your you time. For example, if you’d like to spend four hours taking space for yourself, perhaps you might schedule in a virtual co-working session with a colleague before those four hours begin and schedule a call with a friend after those four hours are done. This is essentially the time equivalent of a coffee mug. If you want to drink coffee, pouring coffee straight into your empty hand may feel frustrating. However, if you put a container such as a coffee mug in your hand and pour coffee into it, it will feel more fulfilling to drink.

Be open and straightforward.

If you are at the point where you need time, and you need to say no to something or someone in order to get it, simply state the truth. The statement “I’m overwhelmed and I need x amount of time for myself,” is clear and powerful. It’s vulnerable and honest, but is also succinct in a way that doesn’t at all run the risk of being unprofessional or too much. Plus, most people struggle with taking time for themselves - especially now - and by being clear about doing so for yourself, you will likely serve as an inspiration for others to do the same.

My Month of 100 Clients...and the lessons I learned about how we all are

One month ago, when the coronavirus hit the arts and small business communities, I made the decision to open up my calendar to anyone in need of support. I was unsure if anyone would take me up on my offer, or if my usual style of coaching would even be helpful given the circumstances, but quite frankly it was the only thing that I could think of to do. 

As a result, I spent this past month in coaching conversations with 100 people. These 100 people - 21 existing clients, 13 old friends, and 66 total strangers - were my living, breathing window into how we have all been processing this enormously global shift. They included actors, writers, circus performers, CEOs, musicians, publicists, photographers, business owners, directors, producers, speakers, administrators, mothers, fathers, students, sound engineers, professors, and dancers - all from totally different corners of the industry, all extremely similar in their worries and concerns. 

Increasingly, I’ve had more and more people asking me if they are alone in how they are thinking, feeling, and acting throughout this time. So I thought I would share some of the insights these 100 people have provided me with in the hopes that you will see that none of us is really alone right now.

There is no wrong way to be. 

“I feel as though I’m behind.” 

This exact sentence has been spoken to me by eight different people in the past four days. Recently, many people have articulated a growing fear that they are not being productive enough right now to succeed on the other end of this pandemic. Or perhaps, if they were better at processing their emotions they might be experiencing the life-changing perspective shifts this time period has to offer. Or is it possible that this time of isolation is actually making, dare I say it, happy? And is it bad if they don’t want this new found freedom to end?

A client recently referred to this guilt-ridden worry swirl as “the isolation within the isolation.” And yes, we are all feeling it. 

The isolation within the isolation will tell you that you are alone in your behavior. It will take examples of the outside world and highlight your biggest fears about yourself and your life. It will kick comparison mode into overdrive and magnify your insecurities. It will make you believe there is a race to be won.

The antidote? As much as is possible, be okay with being how you want to be today, and being how you want to be tomorrow. There is no race. You’ve got time. We’ve all got time.

It was never about the money.

One great thing about speaking individually to a lot of people in a very short amount of time is the abundantly clear patterns it exposes. 

• Week 1 brought concern about lost money and what that would mean for shelter, food, and safety.

• Week 2 brought concern about money to be made and how to be productive in the face of lethargy.

• Week 3 brought concern about the sources of earned money through this time and what that meant in terms of identity.

• Week 4 brought the concern that it was never really about the money at all.

Money is like tofu - it takes on the emotional taste of whatever you cook it in. It is the ultimate scapegoat. Worried about your safety? Must be a money problem. Want to feel productive? Focus on making money. Uncertain about your worth as a human or artist? Just measure it in terms of money.

Out of the 100 people I spoke to this month, 93 led with “My biggest concern is money.” For 2 people, that was true. For the remaining 91, a few more minutes of conversation uncovered the real top of mind issue - and issue typically rooted in their sense of self that felt scary and impossible to address. So they said it was money. Because that’s what society tells us to do.   

When we default to making everything about money (even the things that aren’t), we lose out on the chance to really heal and grow.

The flow of humanity has not stopped. 

It still exists and it is still in motion, creating new beauty, new joy, new laughter, new hope every day. 

I have a written list of all of the people I’ve had conversations with this month, which I read every night before I go to sleep. As I do, I see a colorful collage filled with flashes of shared moments.

There are toddlers giggling and discoveries of shared hometowns. Extraordinary visions for education reform, one million dollars raised for artists, and brand new businesses being started. There are hula hoops on fire, plants in painted skulls, Ted talks, and astrology charts. And of course there is the laughter, the tears, and an abundance of the phrase “weird times.”

It reminds me that there is so much life in each and every day - even as we are all stuck in our homes, even if we have spent the whole day napping, even if we are deep in the hustle. We are all continuously creating the whole of humanity together. We are all participants. Whether we see it or not, whether we mean to or not, we are contributing.

I am contributing.

You are contributing. 

To my 100 people, especially the 66 who I just met this month, thank you forever for sharing an hour of your time and life with me. I cherish it deeply.

I’m still offering space on my calendar to anyone who needs someone to speak with - no fee, no strings, no sales pitch - just an hour of support. You can schedule directly here.

The big great ongoing nonstop disappearing act of life

I remember the first time I encountered the idea of embracing impermanence. I was wandering around bookstore in Boston in the midst of a uniquely hard time in my life, and stumbled across a book full of quotes by Thich Nhat Hanh. I opened the book and there it was: 

“It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

My internal response was something along the lines of, “That sounds like some hippy dippy bullsh*t meant to delude people into happiness when the reality sucks.”

And then, six months later, my best friend died. 

Suddenly and mysteriously on the other side of the world, my very healthy, very vibrant 24 year old partner-in-crime was found dead in her cabin on the cruise ship where she performed as a singer.

And that’s when I finally got the whole impermanence thing. Because while there were many things that were painful about Jackie’s death, the most heart-wrenching of them all was the idea that it simply had never occurred to me that she could be there one day and then gone the next. I know it might sound silly - but it’s true. 

In my mind, she was supposed to be on this earth for decades.  But in reality, she wasn’t. I found myself asking, what else might not be here tomorrow?

Embracing impermanence can be a tough journey because it requires us to readjust our definition of security and control. It typically requires us to imagine losing the things we love the most - somehow being okay with the concept that the sun might come out tomorrow, but that’s really all we can depend on. 

As a result, impermanence can get a bad reputation for being all about embracing the loss of good. 

In reality, impermanence is not only about being okay with losing the good. It’s equally about being okay with releasing the bad. It’s about acknowledging that in every moment of every day we might be able to guess what will happen in the next moment, but in reality we do not know. We just don’t.

And while clinging to the people or the things that make us happy can bring us suffering when they are taken away - clinging on to suffering is just as much of a risk and can cause even more harm in the long run.

Over-identifying with suffering is what happens when we want to gain control and definitively draw a situation as black or white - good or bad. While labelling a situation as entirely bad may not inspire happiness in us, it definitely give us a sense of control, and so most of us will do so subconsciously at some point or another.

The issue? If we are in a situation that feels bad, ideally we want to eventually be in a situation that feels good. And by labelling a situation as 100% entirely undoubtedly bad, we end up ignoring or even attacking any available path towards a better tomorrow. 

While this may seem like a total topic switch, I’ll say this…

If you are feeling numb today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling energized today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling grateful today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling depressed today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling hopeful today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling hopeless today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling lucky today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling lost today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling a little bit good, a little bit bad, a little bit angry, a little bit confused, a little bit nothing today. that’s okay. 

If you are feeling one way while someone else, especially someone you care about, is feeling another way, that’s okay.

Your pain and your happiness are not forever and they are not mutually exclusive.

Your happiness does not automatically negate another person’s pain, and your pain does not mean you will never feel happiness.

You can be nothing and all of the things, and as long as you are a little open to it, tomorrow will be different. Every day is different. Every moment changes into the next. 

That’s the whole idea of impermanence. It’s not about deluding yourself into being happy when you’re not. It’s about knowing that the good, the bad, the in between, the upside down…it’s all always changing. 

Tomorrow will be a new day.

An open letter to the creatives of the world

Photo cred: Luke Kritzeck - designer, producer, friend, and fervent chaser of the light

Dear Creatives,

I would ask how you are, but that question feels so loaded these days. It’s been a weird couple of weeks for us all, but especially for you. 

As a creative, it is your life’s work to create - to bring the new into existence. These weeks have brought a lot of destruction, and that contrast has to feel particularly jarring. Unfortunately, it seems like the destruction might carry on a little bit longer. But it will end. This will pass.

Creatives, I have to ask - have you mourned yet? Many of you have lost a lot - and I’m not just talking about money and opportunities. You probably had an image of the career you wanted to have next week, next month, next year. You might have had hopes and dreams built around future parameters that felt relatively certain. And today’s world has probably turned that image upside down - at least temporarily. So I’ll ask again, have you mourned? It’s okay to mourn a loss, even if it’s invisible. It doesn’t mean you’re dwelling. It means you’re healing. 

We are all still here for you, creatives, even if you don’t see us yet. There is a lot of noise right now, but when the dust settles, we will still be here eagerly awaiting what you have yet to create. The rules may be different. We may not be able to come to your show or be with you in person. But we know you’ll find a way to connect with us. In a world that is notoriously distracted and disconnected from each other, you have always found ways to bring us humans back together. We love that about you. 

When the fear of the unknown takes over, please remember that you are magical. Don’t lose sight of that magic you carry - the magic to create, to connect, to imagine, to hope. I get it - the world isn’t always so great at acknowledging or appreciating you for what you bring to the table. But right now the world could use some extra magic in it. Please don’t hide it from us now.

I spent most of my life as a creative. While I’ve since switched careers, the lessons I learned in my musical studies still walk alongside me every day - especially during these times.

Like the time I asked an established trombonist if he ever got nervous when learning a new and difficult piece of music. He replied, “Why would I get nervous? I’ve played all of these notes before many times. They’re just in a different order, that’s all.”

The world is a little different now, but creatives, you have played all of these notes. Try not to be too discouraged by the the specific technologies you have not yet used, the sources of funding you have not yet found, the audience you do not yet know. You’ve created these things before - and you will create them again. Remember: same notes, different order. All it will take is a little practice.

I will leave you with this:

I’ve been thinking a lot about forest fires, and how uncontrollable and destructive they are. However, in the midst of these fires there are seeds, like that of the alpine ash, which can only grow in the bare and ashy earth the fire leaves behind. In the midst of the fire’s destruction, these seeds are preparing to grow a new forest. 

Creatives, even at humanity’s most destructive, you have been the ones to keep us growing forward. You see the possibility in ways the rest of us can not see. You dream at heights the rest of us can not reach. It’s a lot to ask right now, but creatives please do not lose hope. You are not forgotten. Even though right now it looks like everything you’ve worked to build is burning down, there is a new forest to grow and we need you. 

We can not wait to see what you will create.

If you need support, I’m here for you. You do not need to suffer in silence. Reach out and let’s talk: https://calendly.com/lisa-husseini/covid

Tips for when you're freaking out from a professional freaker outer

Hi, I’m Lisa and I’ve had a truly prolific career as a professional anxiety spiraler. I don’t want to brag, but my experience is vast. Panic attacks, manic work sessions, day-long naps, obsessive thoughts - I’ve done it all. *hair flip*

Because of this, I’ve picked up some techniques for how to mitigate damage when the fear train falls off the tracks. Here are some of the ones that have worked best for me - and hopefully at least one will provide a few seconds of solace for you if you find yourself consumed by fear.

This is not happening to me right now.

One of my favorite sayings goes something like, “All emotional and mental pain exists in the past or in the future, not in the present.” 

Now, I want to acknowledge that there are a lot of people in the world who are lacking basic resources to sustain life right now. However, if you are reading this blog post, I’m going to assume you have a roof over your head, clean water, food to eat tonight, and probably you have a roll of toilet paper or two to spare.

If that’s the case, the inner turmoil and worry you’re experiencing is living in the past or future - even if it is the very recent past or very soon-to-be future.

I just lost a ton of work.

Will I be able to pay rent next month?

When will this end?

While all of these are valid fears, all of these are not in the present. And so much can happen in the present when we can build the space to think a little more clearly and create a little more freely.

In order to create that space, when I’m lost in the spiral and my body is in full blow fight or flight, I repeat these words to myself: 

This is not happening to me right now. 

Emphasis on the right now.

After a few times of saying this to myself, I start to look at what is happening to me and around me at that moment, and I say it out loud. “

I’m sitting in my apartment. I’m staring at my cat. I am breathing. I am safe. I am scared. I am human. 

For me, this usually brings me back down to earth and dulls the sharp pangs of anxiety.

Out of sight out of mind.

In order to plan for the future, we need to create a clean mental space in the now. When we are stressed, this feels nearly impossible to do. Items that we are preemptively worrying about have a habit of masquerading as things we need to worry about now, and lines can get blurred and messy very quickly.

Let’s say you know that you have a bunch of postponed gigs you need to follow up with about rescheduling. You know that now isn’t the time to do so, but it’s a massive future to do item. Maybe it’s consuming your day to day thoughts, and you are wondering, “If not now, then when?”

This anxiety-reducing tactic revolves around picking a date in the future - maybe it’s next week or maybe it’s next month - that you would like to resume worrying about this to do item. Write the item on a piece of paper, fold it up, put it in an envelope, mark the envelope with the date you have selected, and then put the envelope somewhere out of the way but still visible. Whenever you have a new gig to reschedule or a new worry about the rescheduling process, write it down and put it in the envelope.

I conceived of this tactic during a time when I was making myself physically sick due to worry and stress. It’s so effective for me in calming me down - I hope it helps you as well.

Stretch it out. 

As humans, our stress cycle is a half mental and half physical self-feeding loop. This looks like:

I’m stressed therefore my muscles are tense and my muscles are tense therefore my brain thinks there is a reason to be stressed.

When I’m freaking out, I will also make myself small and tense. I hunch my shoulders, I slouch in my chair, I clench my muscles. And even when the mental stress passes, my body is telling my mind, “No! What are you doing! Didn’t you know we should be stressed right now!”

I have found it very effective in these moments to assume passive stretching positions that open the body up. Personally, I lay vertically on a foam roller and open my arms - but really any position that counteracts the fetal position will do. I know it sounds so simple, but this is actually a tactic I wish I employed more. It works and requires the least amount of mental gymnastics to do so.

And finally, as I often say, humans are complicated plants. The mental techniques for fear and anxiety work best in conjunction with proper sleep, diet, hydration, and movement. And of course, if you are under medical supervision for anxiety or depression, consult with your team of medical professionals for the best advice for you.

How to be there for people when you’re struggling with being there for yourself.

I once had a therapist who gave me a piece of advice that plays on loop in my head every day. When I told him about my career shift into coaching, he said:

It will be crucial for you to learn and constantly practice how to be with people as they go through their shit without taking it on as your own. 

A lot of people are on edge right now - and as a result a lot of people are seeking mental and emotional support from the people around them. Unfortunately, in times of collective stress most of us are not equipped with the tools to support others without projecting our own stress and fear onto them or absorbing their stress as our own.  This results in a lot of people feeling unheard, drained, and alone.

Luckily, there are tools that coaches, therapists, and other “soft skill” professionals use to healthfully and helpfully be with people through emotional peaks and valleys. They’re not rocket science, but they are a practice - you probably just haven’t had to practice them with vigor yet. So, here’s your chance!

And to be clear, this is not about taking care of others without taking care of yourself - quite the opposite. These tools not only allow you to maintain your energetic and emotional state while helping others, they almost always lift up your energetic and emotional state in the process. It’s a win win win win.

As humans, when someone is in distress and they want to talk about it, we really have three choices for engagement.

Spiral with them

When we do this, this is just like us recognizing a song someone is playing and compulsively humming along - even if we know it’s not appropriate to do so. Most people are usually aware when they are compounding another person’s spiral with their own, but don’t know what to do instead. 

The best thing you can do if this is you is to get space and get some help before going back to the conversation. If you are in this headspace, staying in the conversation will do more damage to you and the other person than it will help. Don’t worry - it’s just a sign you probably need to speak with someone about your own worries before helping others. You’ll be back in no time.

Try to placate them.

When we do this, this is just like us taking the headphones out of our phone and playing our favorite song loudly on speaker - even if it’s not what people are asking us to do. Most people are unaware when they are doing this and are genuinely trying to be helpful. They are simply broadcasting the voice they play in their own head when trying to calm down.

The issue with this is that advice is not a one size fits all situation. The voice you play in your head to calm down is targeted at your specific fears and how you relate to them. And if you’re also in a stressed out state, chances are the voice playing in your head contains a little bit of fear and you aren’t aware. So, by placing that on someone else, you may be unwittingly contributing to their anxiety spiral or simply not helping in the way you intend. Instead of this, the better option is to….

Sit with them and guide them as they sort out what is fear-based and what is reality-based. 

It sounds so easy but the reason it’s hard is because it requires a lot less talking and a whole lot more listening. Even if we think we could fix their bad mood. Even if they are in pain and we want to make it better. Even if we think we have the answers. 

People in distress need to feel heard before they are provided with any advice or guidance. Plus, most of us have a baked in guidance system that we can tap into when feel clear, calm, and supported. This internal guidance system will inevitably provide the best answers for our individual needs. 

The bonus on top of all of this? This option allows the listener to slow down and participate in the process, rather than be in a position where they are giving without receiving. This makes it incredibly difficult for the listener to feel drained and also enables the listener to do some calming and healing on themselves.

So how do you start showing up for people in this way when you’re in it yourself? 

A starter pack of phrases include:

• How are you doing?

• How does that make you feel?

• Why?

• What else?

• How can I be helpful?

• What do you need right now?

I told you this is not rocket science.  But this is important - when they answer you, listen! Don’t interrupt. Don’t say “yeah I know” every other word. And when they’re in a more grounded place, if you need them to listen to you - ask. And if they can’t, seek help elsewhere.

The more we can learn to be there for each other without draining ourselves in the process, the clearer and calmer we all become. Take a deep breath. You’ve got this.

If you need someone to talk to, I’m offering up the free spaces in my calendar to those who feel overwhelmed. You can schedule here: https://calendly.com/lisa-husseini/covid or email me at lisa@lisahusseini.com If spaces are full - I will find you someone to speak with. Please don’t suffer in silence.

I just spent an hour on the phone with my student loan provider. Freelancers - listen up.

Most freelancers I know have student loans. I happen to be a freelancer with a LOT of student loans. 

Right now, for obvious reasons, a lot of freelancers are extra concerned about their business, and in turn, their cash flow. Maybe you are a freelancer who just lost a ton of gigs or clients, or maybe you are simply caught in an anxiety spiral, bracing yourself for the unknown.

If you have United States Department of Education Student Loans, this article is for you. If you have other types of debt or loans, I would highly encourage you to call the companies with whom you hold accounts and have an open and honest conversation with them as soon as is possible.

But, in terms of student loans issued by the United States government, I called my provider for you with the hopes that the information below will help you address this aspect of your financial life with a little less fear.

If you take three things away from this article, they should be…

• If you have any questions, concerns, doubts, or anxieties - call your loan provider. Like, now.

• There are likely multiple options available to you that will make your loan payments manageable. You can access them by calling your loan provider.

• If you are married, or if your parents cosigned on your loans, it may be a little trickier and the options may be more limited. Still, there are likely options. So - and I know you see this coming - Call. Your. Loan. Provider.

Disclaimer: This article is not by any means financial advice from a financial advisor. I’m so very much not that. It is information that I’m providing in a straightforward, distilled way because most people (including myself) are incredibly undereducated and even misinformed about their student loan options. If you have questions, please consult a financial professional.

So anyways, here’s what you should know:

Repayment Plans

If you are paying back your student loans, you are on a repayment plan - and it’s highly likely that if you’re a freelancer, you’re on a repayment plan that is dictated by your income and recalculated annually. If your predicted income for the foreseeable future has suddenly dropped to zero, or even to a number much lower than before, your repayment plan can be recalculated immediately. Here’s how..

Call your loan provider and tell them what your expected income now is. If it is zero, they will be able to drop the required monthly payment down to zero immediately - no proof of income needed. If your income is now higher than zero, but less than before, they will recalculate your new lower monthly payment and request proof of income. Freelancers - do not fret! You can state, date, and sign your own Statement of Income that will serve as this proof. 

Please note that for those who are married, your spouse’s income may be taken into account and this option may not be as beneficial as desired for you. The same applies to people whose parents cosigned for their loans.

Forbearance and Deferment

The long and short of both of these: they serve as pause buttons for your loan repayment. Everyone gets 36 months of each forbearance and deferment. 

To qualify for economic hardship deferment - you must meet financial hardship criteria and prove it upon requesting. 

To qualify for forbearance - you must simply request forbearance.

The unfortunate parts of both of these:

• Interest still accrues during this period and is then added to your loan balance, which then increases the amount of money that will accrue as interest the next time around. This is called capitalization.

• As your loan balances increase, your credit score may go down.

• Once you use your 36 months, they are done.

So in general, explore income based repayment plans and recalculations first. Then look into forbearance and deferment.

The No Other Options Option

Even if you’re pretty sure the above options don’t apply to you, call your loan provider, calmly and openly explain your current situation, and ask if they have any short term solutions to get through the next few months. They might (many student loan providers have coronavirus financial hardship hotlines) and at least you will know for sure what they are offering that is available to you.

I am not by any means suggesting that everyone renegotiate their student loan repayment plans right now. In fact, if you can manage to maintain your payments, it’s always in your best interest to stay current. However, if you are in triage mode due to a recent and sudden loss of work - or if you want to be prepared should that become your reality - there are options. And I will say it one final time - call your student loan provider to find out what options are available to you.

A special thanks to Christina at Navient for spending her Thursday night talking to me about student loans, the freelance industry, and dating during coronavirus. It was a blast

Cancelled gigs due to coronavirus? Here’s what you can do.

Many performing artists and performing arts organizations are experiencing the first wave of coronavirus-related cancellations. While fears about cash flow, short-term ramifications, and long-term impact are tempting to fixate on, freaking out about the future isn’t super helpful in the now.

Below are some actions you can take today to increase the likelihood of making it through this uncertain time unscathed and improve your chances of bouncing back quickly on the other end. 

For Freelance Artists

Be gracious, even when it hurts
Even though the loss of income may really hurt, try to remember that the human(s) who made the decision to cancel/postpone your engagement are probably full of their own guilt, worry, and fear over an impossible decision. A note along the lines of “Thank you for taking the time to let me know. I know this decision must not have been easy to make. Please stay healthy,” can go a long way in distinguishing you from the onslaught of stress-inducing emails they are likely to be receiving over the coming weeks.

Seek temporary remote work
If you are an artist who also possesses strong administrative skills, you likely know many small to medium sized arts organizations who are looking for temporary project-based work. As someone who has sought this work out before - trust me, it is everywhere. Most organizations have at least one project they just want done but never have the time to complete. And many organizations would pay $200-$500 to make that long-standing to do item go away completely.  The caveat? You have to make it known that you’re looking. Personal emails to organizations that you are connected with work best.

Amp up your teaching
As more schools close and workplaces urge employees to work from home, some of your students may find themselves extremely available and extremely bored. Don’t be afraid to get creative about what this means for your (remote) teaching studio. Maybe you could offer a daily morning warmup class for all of your students, or partner with another teacher and hold some virtual mock auditions. For many who are going stir crazy, you might hold the productive distraction they’re seeking.

Stay in the now
A cancelled gig this week does not automatically mean you will have cancelled gigs for the next one, two, or five months. While having a loose contingency plan for the distant future might be helpful (key word: might), obsessing over perfecting multiple contingency plans for every situation possible will certainly lead to a very miserable time right now. 

For Arts Organizations

Practice abundant compassion
Deciding to cancel a performance is a huge decision that is likely to significantly expand your personal to do list. You may even feel extraordinary guilt for cancelling work, and therefore income, for the artists on your roster. Don’t let your stress or guilt prevent you from communicating your decision in an effusively compassionate way. Artists may be upset and may want to speak with you. Try to make the time for them. They likely don’t blame you for the coronavirus, but making it okay for them to ask uncomfortable questions without getting defensive will ultimately speak volumes about you and your organization.

If you can pay something - do
I understand this is not going to be a possibility for many organizations, but if you just postponed or cancelled a concert please consider paying the musicians a portion of their fee now - even if you are not contractually obligated to. Yes, you may lose some money if a few of the musicians can’t commit to the rescheduled performance. But the longterm payoff will likely be worth way more. If you really can’t swing it, don’t put yourself out of business. However, it’s worth taking the time to consider what a gesture like this could mean for your artists during this period of gig cancellations.

Get comfortable with the grey
Don’t have enough information to decide if the concert you just called off will be cancelled completely or postponed? Don’t know when or how you will reschedule your performances? Don’t know what this all means for your audiences, budget, and artist roster? It’s okay. You don’t need to know everything, and you certainly can’t control everything - especially right now. But that doesn’t mean you can’t lead your organization through times of uncertainty. Leading from within the grey area means loosening your grip on control and accepting that unknowns are an inevitable part of the equation right now.

Communicate, communicate, communicate 
Even in the best of times, humans tend to significantly overestimate the effectiveness of their communication and significantly underestimate how much communication is ultimately needed. In times of uncertainty and confusion, communication tends to get much worse despite best intentions. The best thing here is to have a plan that can be adjusted. Sending daily updates to your staff and board and weekly updates to your audience and artists may seem excessive, but I guarantee you it’s not. Plus, staying ahead of the communication curve, even if the update is “no update” will help keep the level of panicked inquiries at a manageable level.

As the saying goes - this too shall pass. While we can’t control a lot of what happens externally, we can control 100% of how we react. 

If you are anxiously wondering what the coronavirus panic means for your gig-based career or arts organization, and you would like some support in developing a plan for how to approach these next few months - let me know and let’s schedule a call. 

Any spare time in my calendar over the coming weeks will be made available to those struggling with this chaos. No strings, sales pitch, expectations, or fee. Just a little extra support from me to those of you who might need it right now.

Reach me at lisa@lisahusseini.com

What diet culture can teach us about our working habits

Maybe you….

Know that you’ve had enough but go back for more, even though it’s making you sick.

Have impossibly high standards and feelings of guilt and despair.

Punish yourself for having normal human needs and fall into a cycle of extremities.

Have a warped view of yourself and ultimately believe you deserve this.

No, I’m not talking about your relationship with food - I’m talking about your relationship with work. 

In today’s society, most of us are familiar with the patterns of modern-day diet culture. Fad diets, food weaponization, indulge-punish cycles, and militant tracking are rampant behaviors and tools that are wildly unhealthy yet pervasive in blogs, magazines, and even advice from health experts.

The truth is - we see these exact same patterns in our working culture all of the time. Yet, as with diet culture, in the workplace these behaviors are often lauded as admirable. People who practice these unhealthy behaviors are held up as highly disciplined, and feel rewarded for the behavior that is in turn harming them.

Here are a few of the most commonly celebrated yet unhealthy working behaviors…

Efficiency Optimization 

At its best, the quest for maximum efficiency pushes us to constantly ask the question, “Is there a more efficient way to be doing this?” 

What typically ends up happening, however, is that already high achievers become fixated on squeezing every ounce of productivity out of every single second in the day. Feelings of guilt quickly settle in for those moments of “wasted” time and normal human needs like sleep, mental rest, and play, are tossed out as unnecessary. 

When the equation for efficiency optimization dismisses our humanity, or allows them only with a large dose of guilt, the behavior is no longer healthy. 

Binge Working

“I just need to block out a full day to power through this and get caught up.”

Do you really? In my experience, this is actually the solution to your to do list woes 5% of the time or less. More likely than not, it’s you setting yourself up for continued fatigue and guilt.

First of all, if your life is already busy, you likely don’t have a full day to reserve. Secondly, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. We work, but then we must rest, and when we “power through” a day, especially if that day was already reserve for rest, we end up running a real deficit in our energy supply. Finally, when there is no other option but to take a moment and recover - we feel guilty, because we didn’t schedule it in, and something else gets bumped. 

Binge working inevitably triggers an indulge-punish cycle that is most typically seen when someone takes a week long vacation, then spends the two weeks afterwards working double the amount of hours in order to “catch up.”

Over Responsibility 

In the workplace, everyone’s roles are heavily interconnected. If you really wanted to, you could likely paint 80% of the activities in your workplace as falling under your scope of responsibility.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

This one is a little more tricky because conscientiousness is a fantastic quality in any employee.  However, the best way to differentiate the two is that conscientiousness is a choice. Over responsibility is a compulsion that fogs up reality and replaces it with guilt. 

Again, just because you can feel responsible for something, doesn’t mean you should - especially if it means doing so at the expense of your own mental health.

All of us have good and bad habits in the workplace and in life. But, if your habits are turning into self-destructive patterns, it may be time to seek help. Know that you’re not alone, and while these patterns can be difficult to break, there are other ways to do business.

The 50 Yard Line Principle - Why we walk away just as soon as we make progress

When I ask people what they are most afraid of turning into on their path to growth, they almost always respond with an caricature-like representation of the extreme opposite of who they currently are.

• A shy, self-deprecating introvert is terrified of becoming a bombastic, self-promoting extrovert.

• An anxious, fiscally controlling penny-pincher is terrified of becoming an idealistic, haphazard over-spender.

• An unboundaried people-pleaser addicted to martyr syndrome is terrified of becoming selfish, unhelpful, and closed off to others.

For all of these instances, and many others like them, I bring up my 50 Yard Line Principle. It goes like this…

Let’s say you are standing in one end zone of a football field. This represents your current situation. The opposite end zone represents that exaggerated example of what you are most afraid of becoming. The 50 yard line represents the ideal happy medium that you are aiming for.

Diagram for the non sports fans and the visual learners out there

So here’s the deal…

When you decide that you’re going to leave your end zone and walk towards that ideal 50 yard line, the entire time you are walking towards your goal, you will be staring at and walking towards your deepest fear. 

The. Entire. Time.

So while you may have only walked 5 yards, and are still 45 yards away from your ideal state of being - in your mind you have been walking 5 yards towards your worst case scenario, and every single one of those steps has felt terrifying and exhausting. And so you stop, turn around, and go back.

This is why sometimes growth feels counterintuitive. It’s all a matter of perspective.

So if you have a goal…to be more confident, to worry less about money, to establish healthy boundaries, or anything else really…know that the path towards that goal may feel like you’re becoming everything you fear. But it’s just that…a feeling.

In reality, you’re probably still standing just a few yards away from your original end zone - totally safe, and still very much you.

The Curious Case of the Success Sads

In October 2018, I did not leave my bed. I did not do any dishes. I did not clean my apartment. I did not hang out with friends. By all measures of the word, I was severely depressed.

Why?

Well, in September 2018, I found out I was going to be promoted to CEO of the company I had worked for for the past 3 years. I was 29. I was #killingit. I was achieving and proving and bossing and all the things. And don’t get me wrong, for about 3 days I was on cloud nine. 

Then, the adrenaline crash that inevitably follows a huge moment of excitement, success, or happiness hit me like a ton of bricks. As they say, “What goes up, must come down.” And if there’s something I’ve come to understand over the years, it’s that this theory applies exponentially to adrenaline spikes.

I bet that adrenaline crash, or the Success Sads as I like to call them, has happened to you. 

• You nail that job interview and then can barely function the next day at work.

• You crush that audition and need a full weekend to recover.

• You are ecstatic about moving until one day that ecstasy turns into dread.

It’s okay. It’s actually quite normal. Adrenaline is a legitimately addictive drug (surely you’ve heard the term “adrenaline junkie”) and the sudden absence of a drug typically causes a withdrawal. 

Even though there is a certain level of scientific inevitability to the post-success adrenaline crash, there are also other non-chemical factors that can heavily influence whether you will just need a day of extra TLC to recover or launch into a full blown episode of inconsolable depression.

The most important thing to do is to talk about it.

So simple, yet so hard.

I didn’t speak to anyone about my post-promotion depression because I was ashamed and keenly aware of how annoyingly privileged my complaints sounded. I felt petulant, ungrateful, and as though I was “failing” at being successful. 

Finally, I told a friend what was going on. She had also experienced a major career achievement months before, and admitted that she too had launched into an inconsolable depression for the month after hearing her good news. She also felt ashamed, but just hearing that we had both gone through this helped to remind me that I wasn’t crazy.

And remember that your sadness isn’t about your achievements or success. Your sadness is about the sudden absence of the adrenaline in your system. You aren’t ungrateful - you’re just experiencing withdrawal. So talk to someone - a friend, a family member, a therapist, a coach - just start talking.

Once it’s over, address the demons that came up.

While the Success Sads are sparked by an adrenaline crash, other fears, negative beliefs, and destructive thoughts we have will happily latch onto our downward spiral and come along for the ride. 

These concrete thoughts are entirely ours and within our control to work on. So, once you feel energetically balanced again it is important to address these fears and beliefs. It may not be easy, but the more you work on these while feeling totally healthy, the less severely they will pop up when you are in the midst of a post-achievement slump.

And most importantly…

Know that you aren’t alone. Almost everyone I’ve spoken with experiences something like this at least once in their lives, if not regularly. You are allowed to be excited, and proud, and sad, and scared all at the same time. It doesn’t make you ungrateful - it just makes you human.

If you feel you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It is a free, 24-hour hotline, at 1.800.273.TALK (8255)

If you feel like you or a loved one are in immediate danger, please call 911.

What even is coaching? Part One

“I have a lot of thoughts about coaching … and none of them are good.”

This statement has been tentatively said to me more times than I can count. Every time, the person speaking these words looks as though they are about to break my heart. And every time, I laugh and respond…

“Yeah, I know. I’ve probably had them too.”

What most people don’t know is that I spent the vast majority of my life thinking the entire coaching industry was a wackadoo concept. In one of my not-so-fine moments as an early 20-something, I even straight up ghosted a guy I had been talking to because he mentioned that he had a coach. Seriously. I told you it wasn’t my finest moment.

So yeah, I totally get why as coaching continues to assume a sort of “fad” status and new coaches are popping up everywhere - people have questions, concerns, and preconceived notions they want addressed. And in my opinion, the answers that most people are seeking just aren’t super available in a straightforward no bullshit format. 

So here I am - natural skeptic, former critic of coaching, and current full time coach - to answer the questions I hear most often. Today, I’m going to start with the basics.

WTF is coaching? 

The best way I have to describe coaching is to compare it alongside the other activities that tend to get lumped in with it: consulting and mentoring.

• Consulting is when a person uses their expertise to understand a problem a person or organization is facing and executes the solution to that problem. (Key phrase: This is my plan for helping you.)

• Mentoring is when a person uses their expertise to understand a problem that a person or organization is facing and tells them how to solve that problem. (Key phrase: Just do this, this, and this.)

• Coaching is when a person uses their listening, pattern recognition, and questioning skills to help a person see their own blindspots which are creating, furthering, or allowing the problematic situations in their life. (Key phrase: Are you aware that you keep saying or doing this?)

Or to put it even more simply. Let’s say you have a piece of IKEA furniture that you purchased two months ago and have yet to assemble.

• You would hire a consultant to assemble the furniture for you.

• You would hire a mentor to give you the instruction manual on how to assemble the furniture.

• You would hire a coach because this isn’t the first time you’ve done this, and not only do you want to assemble the piece of furniture, you want to finally figure out why you never finish the things you start and do something about it.

That makes sense but I’m still confused.

Yes. I get it. That’s probably because most “coaches” and “coaching products” are in fact a combination of coaching and mentoring - or even of coaching and consulting. 

• That health and fitness coach who you are hiring to give you a food and movement plan and schedule based on your goals? Probably 90% mentor, 10% coach.

• That social media coach who is going to give you a posting schedule AND write the first few weeks of copy for your posts? Sounds more like 70% mentor, 20% consultant, 10% coach.

• That career coach who is going to help you figure out what job you want next, and help you take the steps to land interviews and negotiate your employment package? Now we are talking more up the alley of 50% mentor, 50% coach.

• That executive coach who you speak with a few times a month, and you’re not exactly sure why, but suddenly your team is listening to you and your work-life balance feels good for once? You’ve got yourself a 100% coach-y coach. 

The term “coaching” is a sort of umbrella term that people use to describe all types of services - including actual coaching. Personally, I’ve found that the more clarification I have around what a service actually contains - whether it be consulting, mentorship, coaching, or something else entirely - the less confusing and unwieldy it all feels. 

Next time I’ll talk more about some more succinct questions about coaching I hear - and if you have any of your own, please let me know!

Audio Bonus!
Looking to hire a coach, but don't know what you should be asking for to feel more comfortable with your decision? In this audio, I speak about the best ways to measure the "street cred" of the person in front of you - whether they are a coach, mentor, consultant, or combination of the three - and also touch on the criteria you might want to ask for, but actually won't be so helpful to your decision.

Gratitude is the foam roller of the mindset game

I remember the first time I heard about a foam roller. I was suspicious as to how a solid cylindrical piece of styrofoam could “change the game” in my fitness routine. I couldn’t run on it or use it as a punching bag. It wasn’t even heavy, so it’s not like picking it up was building any muscle. 

Finally, my trainer talked me into sitting on one and giving it a go. Suddenly, I was no longer thinking about the fitness benefits - I was thinking about how excruciating the experience was. It felt like a thousand knives were stabbing me in the leg. I was decidedly not a fan of this “game-changing” tool. 

But then I started my workout. 

My squats? Deeper. My sprints? Quicker. My endurance? Greater. 

And the next day - I wasn’t in my typical post leg day pain. 

I was sold. This wonderfully magic little torture device was a game-changer in my fitness routine. I didn’t know how or why, and it wasn’t pleasant, but it worked. 

——

When people speak to me about feelings of jealousy, animosity, anger, sadness, or fear - I will inevitably recommend a gratitude routine. 

And as if on cue, they will always look at me with the same look of “wtf?” that I had on my face the first time I was told about the foam roller. 

And I get it. I really, really do. I have personally been known to make uniquely bizarre whining noises when told by coaches or friends that it might be time to reintroduce a gratitude practice into my life. 

Because when we are in downward spiral, the last thing we want to do is practice gratitude. We want to keep critiquing and judging and comparing and analyzing so we can find the elusive inner justice and peace of mind. 

And that’s exactly why in those moments gratitude is exactly what we need. It hurts for a reason - because it’s bumping up against tender points that need our attention. It’s annoying for a reason - because it’s changing the direction of our internal emotional momentum. 

But it works. Just as with the foam roller, the results are hard to ignore. 

So if you’re having a moment - if you’re comparing yourself to others on social media, if you’re experiencing fomo or envy, if you’re stuck in hyper-analytical doomsday prep mode because you’re afraid of the unknown - give gratitude a try. 

Yes, I know. It’s weird. But it works. And isn’t that the point? 

Audio Bonus!
Why is practicing gratitude a pain in the neck - and my go-to quick and easy gratitude practice.

Self-Awareness isn’t Self-Actualization (and why we try to convince ourselves it is)

Hey there fellow human! Are you trying to improve yourself, improve your business, improve your relationships, improve your life, improve YOU?

Well, I have news for you! 

The path to improving you is EASY…..

….to underestimate, can hurt like hell, is painful as all get out, will make you question whether you actually want to improve, is a field of daisies if all the daisies were actually pieces of coal, and above all else is really very much worth it if you are willing to endure the discomfort necessary to grow.

Yes. If there is one thing that I’m certain of, it’s that growth is painful!  After all, “Growing Pains” isn’t just a TV show from the 80s - it’s a real-life term applicable to all of us. I see evidence of this over and over again in my own life, in the organizations I’ve worked for, and in the clients I’ve worked with over the years.

If that weren’t enough good news for one day, I’ve found that we humans are true masters at making growth more painful. How do we do this?

We mistake the work it takes to become self-aware with the work it takes to self-actualize. 

In reality, self-awareness is the first (and easiest) step towards self-actualization. And trust me - if you want to throw the device you are reading this on across the room, I totally understand. (Just make sure you bookmark or like the post first, please!)

But this is not all bad news. As I said before, believing that becoming self-aware is the hard part of the journey or the whole journey is what keeps us stuck. 

Bringing it into some tangible examples - have you ever thought to yourself:

• “But I’ve learned this lesson before, why am I back here again?”

• “I know this is an unhealthy behavior, but I don’t know why I can’t stop.”

• “I know I’m looking for abc in a job/collaborator/relationship, but for some reason I keep ending up in situations where I’m surrounded by xyz.”

If you have, you are probably stuck at self-awareness - and it might be time to pause, regroup, and get ready for the next part of the journey.

Just to be clear - I’m not trying to knock self-awareness. Self-awareness is also hard, and some of us may have just reached a new level of self-awareness in our own lives. And if that’s you - bravo! While it’s not the end of the journey, it’s a huge achievement and take some time to enjoy that.

But if you’re feeling routinely stuck in your work, in your relationships, or in your life - and you don’t know why because you are also keenly aware of what behaviors are keeping you there - it might be time to get back on that self-actualization path and choose one or both of the next steps: routine implementation and external support.

More on those two steps later. For now, I’ll be wishing you all happy growing pains - because hey - at least it means you’re growing!

Haven’t you heard? If you want to grow your network - gossip more.

Humans love gossip. Whether we admit it or not, acquiring information that is exclusive, privileged, or hot off the presses makes us feel relevant and special.

Having juicy gossip also means holding social currency that can be used to pull others in towards us. Plus, exchanging hard-to-access information with someone momentarily increases their trust in you - making everyone involved feel more included. 

The real down side is that most gossip out there focuses on celebrating the downfalls of others. Schadenfreude is quickly added into the mix and people feel tempted to spread and take joy in the insecurities and failures of others. 

This negative type of gossip quickly becomes sensationalized (think celebrity tabloids) and is ultimately destructive. And that momentary trust that gossip can build? It quickly disappears once the other person realizes that it’s only a matter of time until you are saying similar things about them.

When we don’t give in to the dark side of gossip, it can actually be an incredibly powerful tool in building and fortifying our networks.

Most everyone I know finds networking to be uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing. Yet, a strong network is crucial in building a thriving career, and it can be a valuable resource in all areas of our lives.

While many of us see the importance of having a healthy network, many of us struggle in finding ways to grow our network without being too awkward or forceful.

This is where gossip comes in. 

One of my favorite networking tools is utilizing “good gossip” in conversation. It is incredibly simple and also produces incredible results - both in the immediate and in the long term. Here’s how it goes:

Step 1: Find common ground with the person you’re speaking with such as a mutual contact or shared experience.

Step 2: Think of something exciting or positive about that mutual connection. It could be time-bound (like a recent performance) or a general statement (like a positive characteristic or attribute). This is the gossip content.

Step 3: Bring up the mutual connection in conversation and share the gossip content - but be sure to introduce it with the same level of intrigue and excitement that you might with more mainstream gossip.

That’s it! See, I told you this was simple. 

In action, this might sound like, “Hey! I think we both know Sally. Actually, she just released a recording - have you heard it? Oh you didn’t, well let me tell you, honestly…. it was SO fantastic.”

Aside from the trust and belonging that comes from establishing a mutual connection, purposefully spreading this type of positivity significantly increases the other person’s expectation that you might say positive things about them in the future. And who doesn’t want that?!

Despite popular belief, not all gossip is bad. And when we make “good gossip” our go to gossip, we can build strong and healthy networks without much effort at all.