How to be there for people when you’re struggling with being there for yourself.
I once had a therapist who gave me a piece of advice that plays on loop in my head every day. When I told him about my career shift into coaching, he said:
It will be crucial for you to learn and constantly practice how to be with people as they go through their shit without taking it on as your own.
A lot of people are on edge right now - and as a result a lot of people are seeking mental and emotional support from the people around them. Unfortunately, in times of collective stress most of us are not equipped with the tools to support others without projecting our own stress and fear onto them or absorbing their stress as our own. This results in a lot of people feeling unheard, drained, and alone.
Luckily, there are tools that coaches, therapists, and other “soft skill” professionals use to healthfully and helpfully be with people through emotional peaks and valleys. They’re not rocket science, but they are a practice - you probably just haven’t had to practice them with vigor yet. So, here’s your chance!
And to be clear, this is not about taking care of others without taking care of yourself - quite the opposite. These tools not only allow you to maintain your energetic and emotional state while helping others, they almost always lift up your energetic and emotional state in the process. It’s a win win win win.
As humans, when someone is in distress and they want to talk about it, we really have three choices for engagement.
Spiral with them
When we do this, this is just like us recognizing a song someone is playing and compulsively humming along - even if we know it’s not appropriate to do so. Most people are usually aware when they are compounding another person’s spiral with their own, but don’t know what to do instead.
The best thing you can do if this is you is to get space and get some help before going back to the conversation. If you are in this headspace, staying in the conversation will do more damage to you and the other person than it will help. Don’t worry - it’s just a sign you probably need to speak with someone about your own worries before helping others. You’ll be back in no time.
Try to placate them.
When we do this, this is just like us taking the headphones out of our phone and playing our favorite song loudly on speaker - even if it’s not what people are asking us to do. Most people are unaware when they are doing this and are genuinely trying to be helpful. They are simply broadcasting the voice they play in their own head when trying to calm down.
The issue with this is that advice is not a one size fits all situation. The voice you play in your head to calm down is targeted at your specific fears and how you relate to them. And if you’re also in a stressed out state, chances are the voice playing in your head contains a little bit of fear and you aren’t aware. So, by placing that on someone else, you may be unwittingly contributing to their anxiety spiral or simply not helping in the way you intend. Instead of this, the better option is to….
Sit with them and guide them as they sort out what is fear-based and what is reality-based.
It sounds so easy but the reason it’s hard is because it requires a lot less talking and a whole lot more listening. Even if we think we could fix their bad mood. Even if they are in pain and we want to make it better. Even if we think we have the answers.
People in distress need to feel heard before they are provided with any advice or guidance. Plus, most of us have a baked in guidance system that we can tap into when feel clear, calm, and supported. This internal guidance system will inevitably provide the best answers for our individual needs.
The bonus on top of all of this? This option allows the listener to slow down and participate in the process, rather than be in a position where they are giving without receiving. This makes it incredibly difficult for the listener to feel drained and also enables the listener to do some calming and healing on themselves.
So how do you start showing up for people in this way when you’re in it yourself?
A starter pack of phrases include:
How are you doing?
How does that make you feel?
Why?
What else?
How can I be helpful?
What do you need right now?
I told you this is not rocket science. But this is important - when they answer you, listen! Don’t interrupt. Don’t say “yeah I know” every other word. And when they’re in a more grounded place, if you need them to listen to you - ask. And if they can’t, seek help elsewhere.
The more we can learn to be there for each other without draining ourselves in the process, the clearer and calmer we all become. Take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
If you need someone to talk to, I’m offering up the free spaces in my calendar to those who feel overwhelmed. You can schedule here: https://calendly.com/lisa-husseini/covid or email me at lisa@lisahusseini.com If spaces are full - I will find you someone to speak with. Please don’t suffer in silence.