An important message for your happiness

Earlier this year, my high school friends and I gathered on Zoom once a week to watch our friend compete on a well-known baking competition show.

As we watched, and commented to each other during the commercial breaks, we always asked her the same question.

“What actually happened there?”

We all listened intently as she described the ways in which TV magic turns a week of intensive filming with non-actors, crummy weather, and buzzing insects into a beautiful, exciting, and aspirational product.

To be frank, the details she shared of reality were pretty unexciting. There were no backstage tantrums or fights. 

But we all knew that what we were watching, while called a “reality” show, was a highly curated accumulation of carefully selected moments. We knew that while the contestants were real people and not actors, that simple editing and positioning could manipulate the story line drastically to create an enticing and intriguing product.

All of us knew it before we even asked. You probably know it too.

So why then, do most of us choose to believe that what we see on social media is an accurate reflection of reality - especially in those moments when it’s making us miserable?

I’m not anti social media.

But I am anti unnecessary misery.

And after a year that has been very heavy for humanity as a whole, I’m watching a lot of people beat themselves up more than ever. The weapon? Their social media feed.

Just like reality television is primarily television disguised as reality, social media is primarily a form of media disguised as a social experience. Most of us are aware that media is always a curated event. And most of us are also aware the marketing plays a heavy role in nearly all forms of media we ingest.

Social media is no different. And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I’m a consumer of all types of media. I, too, was glued to my television through the election. I read multiple news outlets every morning and watch tons of television every day. 

However, the difference is, when I see a pair of Beats headphones mysteriously pop up in the middle of a Jason Derulo music video, I am aware of what is happening. I know that I’m being marketed to.

When I watch Carrie Bradshaw live the life of a multimillionaire as a *struggling* freelance writer on Sex and the City, I don’t compare my financial situation and standard of living to her.

But social media is different. It’s easier to forget the media aspect of it. We think - the people are real so the experience they’re projecting must be real.

And then we compare ourselves against it. Even if what we see isn’t purposefully toxic. Especially if what we see is being delivered by someone we know and like in real life.

It’s not only not helpful. It’s incredibly destructive. And in a year where it should be more obvious than ever that simply showing up every day is an enormous accomplishment - so many people are feeling the pressures of social media now more than ever.

Maybe you see a post about how productive someone was this year and you think, “What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I achieve that?”

Maybe someone you know looks so blissful and happy in their posts, and you think, “Is nobody as sad and tired and stressed as I am?”

Maybe everything you see speaks to gratitude and positive mindset, and you think, “But I’m struggling so much.”

And you start to focus on the “flaws” that your comparison games are pointing out.

Here’s what I know. 

I know that I have intimate conversations with people about all of the ways in which they are deeply struggling. Then, moments later, they post a shiny, happy, insightful post on their social media.

I know that earlier this year I had a profound scarcity meltdown (with full ugly crying and everything) about 15 minutes before I was a guest speaker on a Facebook live. The topic of expertise on which I was speaking? Abundance mindset.

I know that many people love social media - it is a valuable marketing tool for them, it has brought them a ton of business, and it allows them to reach many people at once.

I know many people who die a small death every time they log onto social media, yet feel like they are required to use it to market themselves, bring in business, and reach people.

And above all, I know that social media is never - ever - the full reality. 

Especially when it’s used to market a business, but even when it’s not. Even in this post that I will inevitably post on my social media. It’s just not possible. It’s a two dimensional tool in a three dimensional world. 

And we are all self-curators. 

Radical idea here.

We have a complicated relationship with social media because we have a complicated relationship with ourselves. 

Isn't that how it always goes though?

The people I know who have the most inner confidence have the best relationship with social media. Whether they are using it for social purposes, business purposes, or not at all - it does not affect them in the same way it affects so many people. 

There is no anxiety about logging on, no struggle with logging off, and no apology for however they choose to run their life in association with the social media world.

And that level of peace is not achieved by acquiring any of the things that social media promises us. We do not experience a sense of self-esteem and belonging by earning more money, getting more followers, or liking more posts.

We get it by looking inwards. We get it by starting a dialogue with ourselves. We get it by picking up a journal, going for a walk, and getting in touch with what it is we really want in life.

Then, and only then, can we really start living it.

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Hang in there. You’re doing great.