Work breakups are the worst breakups

You’re exhausted. You feel unseen, unheard, and under-appreciated. You know you deserve better, but you just can’t leave. It’s like if you can get them to see how wonderful you are, they’ll finally treat you better.

The truth is: your employer is just not that into you.  

Ouch! If you’ve ever been in this position at work, you know just how painful it can feel. And leaving that workplace that is no longer a fit (or never was), whether you are asked to leave or choose to, can feel like a deeply painful breakup. 

Of course it does! Our work takes up between one third to one half of our week. Most of us want to feel useful and appreciated in life, and the workplace is a prime environment to prove ourselves. Plus, most people seek to do work they are passionate about. Passion is an emotional word, we are emotional creatures…and so when we are experiencing difficulty at work? That’s emotional too.  

When it comes to romantic breakups, there is widely accepted advice about how to move onwards and upwards. However, society’s advice regarding the workplace tends to revolve around the sentiment, “Work isn’t emotional. It’s business.”

So when you feel emotional about leaving a job that didn’t even feel that great to be in? You feel wrong for being so emotional and don’t have any mechanism to feel differently. 

Like with romantic breakups, there is a tried and true path to getting over that work breakup. And it revolves around you owning your emotions and taking the steps to process them efficiently and effectively.  

Step 1: Decide on the why.

When your employment ends, whether you chose to leave or they chose to let you go, the reason why it didn’t work is entirely up to you to decide. There may be many things to choose from (e.g. it was their fault, it was my fault) so try to choose a reason that is conducive to the mindset you want to have once you feel resolved (e.g. it wasn’t a good fit from the beginning but it took some time to uncover why). 

Step 2: Create distance.

Seriously. If you are at all triggered by a past employer of yours, if seeing your replacement makes you feel angry, if seeing their press releases makes you feel rejected - you need space. It’s not embarrassing, it’s a temporary need that will bring you the peace and space to heal if you let it. So do what you need to do - and don’t be afraid to tell your ex-coworkers you need them to chill on the workplace gossip updates for a few weeks. 

Step 3: Make it about your future, not your past.

What do you want in your next job? Your ideal career? What types of qualities, what types of employers, what types of colleagues? What are your core values? What are your non-negotiables? Every job we take informs us about what we do and do not want from our next employer. What about this situation worked well? What didn’t? How can you seek out future opportunities that are more aligned with your priorities?

If you are feeling complicated emotions around leaving a job, it’s totally okay! You definitely aren’t alone, and the sooner you accept that your emotions are valid, your experience is yours, and the feelings will pass, the more quickly and easily you will be able to move on towards a more joyful and fulfilling future career.