More than words

A few months ago, I was sitting with a client who was experiencing a painful, yet important realization. 

For the past couple of years, after some major upsets in her life, she embarked on a journey of self-exploration and self-growth. She not only read books and sought support, but she did the work. Even when it was uncomfortable, even when she didn’t feel like it, I personally witnessed this client of mine dive headfirst into creating a more expansive mindset, relationship with herself, and relationship with life itself. 

Throughout this process, like with any process, my client picked up a new vocabulary. Since her journey was one of self-discovery, her vocabulary was rich with your typical self-help jargon. She learned and spoke about triggers, detachment, forgiveness, abundance, and compassion.

And in her case - she was also living out her understanding of the jargon more and more every day. It wasn’t simply lingo. It was her new reality.

On this particular day a few months ago, she was upset by some recent interactions with some of the people in her life. For a while, instead of feeling hurt, she simply felt confused. These people’s words matched her words. They seemed to share a similar approach to life.

And yet, when it came to their actions, there was a very clear mismatch. 

Their words said self-awareness. But their actions were recklessly projecting emotional volatility everywhere - not just onto my client.

My client couldn’t understand. How could this be? Until she realized the reality staring her in the face.

Just because someone is using all of the right self-actualization jargon, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are actually walking their talk. 

New words, new you

It is incredibly easy to get caught up in the language of coaching, personal development, and mindset shifts, but true transformation requires more than just words.

While it's important to use language that aligns with our personal values and aspirations, it's equally important to back up those words with actions. Speaking about love, non-judgment, and compassion means nothing if we're not actively practicing those values in our daily lives.

And most of us can get on board with this intellectually. However, it can seem so hard to live out. Why is that?

This next sentence is probably going to drive those of you who love data and reference bananas - but here it goes. There was some article I read once about some study that I can’t remember anything remotely specific about. But I did have one takeaway.

Essentially, the study looked at New Year’s Resolutions. The people who told anyone they came across about their new goal were actually significantly less likely to act on that goal than people who told nobody or a few select accountability partners.

This seemed odd because we think that broadcasting our goals automatically translates to accountability. However, when we broadcast on a large scale, the opposite effect tends to occur.

We get the dopamine hit of the approval and awe of our community. It feels good to have an aspirational goal and have others acknowledge you for setting it. It feels good to hear people marvel over the dedication and work ethic you must have to set such a goal.

Before one even starts working towards the goal, their brain feels like they’ve already reached it. They already got the approval. They already got the external reward.

So when it comes time to actually do the uncomfortable work of attaining that goal, the motivation is lost. What occurs is essentially a dopamine crash. And no movement occurs.

People do this all of the time when it comes to the self-help sphere. It’s so easy to do!

We often see people start their self-improvement journey by adopting new buzzwords like "presence," "active listening," and "support." But merely using these words doesn't necessarily mean that they are taking action towards living them. It takes a lot of action, a lot of trial and error, and a lot of uncomfortable work to understand the depth of what those concepts truly mean. It's a lifelong journey to fully grasp the meaning and implications of these ideas, and it requires a commitment to ongoing growth and development.

But let’s be honest - what feels better? Does it feel better to have people look at you in awe when you declare your journey to be a more compassionate person? Or does it feel better to practice loving your neighbor, even if your neighbor is throwing their trash onto your lawn?

So, how do we grow?

First of all, I want to be clear.

There’s nothing wrong with talking the talk and not yet walking the walk. We are all on our own journeys of growth and development. Sometimes we say the words before we even understand there are actions to take behind the words. Sometimes we think we understand the actions and then there are a whole new set of actions that pop up.

Something I continue to work on is patience with the journey - both in myself and in others. And what I’ve learned is that it is easy to jump to conclusions about there being a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to be - when the reality is that we are all moving along at our own pace. 

But if you are like my client, and you have faced or are facing the confusion she felt, here is my suggestion for you.

It is crucial to pay attention to how someone's words align with their actions - and this includes you too. 

For example, if someone is preaching non-judgment and love, but their behavior shows projected anger or judgment, it's simply a sign that their words are not fully aligned with their actions.

This doesn't mean they're lying or have bad intentions, but it does mean that they may need to do some work to bring their words and actions into harmony. And especially if their words or actions are currently causing you pain, please resist the urge to gaslight yourself into thinking that you are imagining things just because they speak about peace and love all of the time. 

It doesn’t matter how much they speak about saving the animals and planting new trees. We are constantly faced with our own realities in all areas of life. I can be perfectly loving to my mother while spewing vitriolic words to the person who cut me off in traffic.

Self-improvement is a lifelong journey that requires both introspection and action. It's important to be aware of the pitfalls of relying too heavily on jargon and to prioritize aligning our words with our actions. As we deepen our understanding of concepts like healing, presence, and support, we can work towards embodying those values and truly transforming ourselves from the inside out.