Give in to the gossip

People love gossip.

And while we can tend to act as though gossip is this terrible thing that exists only because humans have a lack of self control, gossip actually serves several very real purposes that cut to the core of what makes us human.

Gossip can serve as a way of relating to others. It can carry information that is important to the survival of marginalized groups. It can even be entertaining.

Ultimately, gossip is simply a form of the very human art of storytelling. 

But it may still surprise you to learn that one of my absolute favorite networking and professional development tools is gossip. 

Yes, seriously. I tell people to gossip all the time.

“Is Lisa a sociopath?” you may be asking yourself. Possibly! But I promise you, the way I advocate for using gossip is not in the way you might think.

I use and promote a tool I like to call positive gossip. In my experience, positive gossip is one of the easiest, most effective, and least harmful ways to build community, a good reputation, and solid network. But so few people actively use it. 

So today I’m going to teach you how.

How to talk about someone behind their back

How many times have you called up a friend or pulled a chair up to your coworker’s desk and said something along the lines of, “Did you hear about Susie?” It got their attention, right? 

People love intrigue. We love suspense.

And yet, how many times did you follow up that question with a story about embarrassment, judgment, or negativity? It’s okay if you have. I think most of us have at some point or another. But this is the part we are going to replace.

In positive gossip, the gossip starts the same way. 

“You know Bill, right?”

“Yes… why?”

“Did you hear about what happened yesterday in the board meeting?”

You may not even know Bill, but right now most people are hooked. What happened to Bill? What happened in this meeting? I simply must know.

With positive gossip, it is at this point you share a good thing. A positive thing. Something that paints the person in a positive light.

For example you might say, “I heard he absolutely crushed that presentation! He deserves it. He’s such a great speaker.”

Oh no. Did this conversation get a little too lovey dovey for you? I know - for some of you even thinking about saying or doing something like this may feel so wildly awkward or stilted.

But consider this.  

If it feels weird to comment on someone else’s positive attributes or actions, but it doesn’t feel weird to comment on their failures or qualities you consider to be negative - might it be that the awkwardness you feel is simply an indicator of where you’ve been placing your practice?

Could it be that it simply feels strange to be kind about someone out of the blue, when they aren’t even there, for no possible motive or reward because that’s not what you are actively practicing? 

I know. Ouch. It’s not a pleasant thought to have about yourself, but I had to ask. Because if it is true that you’re more practiced in negative gossip that positive gossip - don’t you want to balance out that equation?

Most people I know do because most people I know would hope that others would aspire to be nicer towards and about them.

The Long Game

At the beginning of this all, I promised that positive gossip would have great benefits for all areas of your life. If it’s truly as simple as saying kind words about people when they aren’t there, how could that possibly have a substantial, tangible impact?

Well, let me ask you this.

Who is someone in your social network or your place of work that speaks terribly about people behind their backs even though they are nice to their face? Do you have someone in mind? Great. And now, how comfortable would you feel introducing them to a friend who means a lot to you or hiring them for an important team? Probably not so great.

But, why is that? If they are nice to everyone’s face, including yours, how could you possibly know what occurs behind your back?

That’s the answer to why positive gossip is so effective. Reputation is built on both the tangible and intangible. It is built on the specifics of what you do and also how you make people feel.

When we speak about people when they aren’t around, we are generating the feeling element that will carry into our network. Whether it is a positive or negative feeling depends heavily on what we say. 

Cool to be kind

Aside from practice, why does it feel so tempting to indulge in negative gossip and so awkward to spread positive gossip?

Well, while we all appear to be fully grown adults, most of us have a younger version of ourselves that learned it was ‘nerdy’ to be too nice or try too hard.

Put otherwise, we’re all a little insecure. 

And it’s okay! Being insecure is human. But negative gossip gives the false promise of belonging to the part of us that feel insecure and want to fit in. Positive gossip, on the other hand, feels like we are risking fitting in, when in reality being kind is a key element of finding a sense of belonging - both internally and externally.

So - give it a try! If it’s totally awful and ruins your life, you can tell everyone you want that I, Lisa Husseini, ruined your life by encouraging you to say nice things about people. I will totally stand behind being canceled if I am canceled for that.

But more likely than not, while it may feel awkward at first, you will be surprised at how good it feels. And who knows. You may even hear that you are the subject of some positive gossip yourself.