It’s Inevitable: A lesson on learning lessons

When I was in my 20s and going through some tough times, I would often speak to people in older decades who would say something like, “You couldn’t pay me to go back to my 20s. It gets way better in your 30s.”

This sentiment is aligned with the sentiment we often hear shared with adolescents. Essentially,  it gets better. So hang in there until it does.

As a person who struggles with simply taking advice at face value, I have often asked a followup ‘why?’ to these nuggets of hope.

Why does it get better? What specifically eases up as we transition through the decades of life?

And much to my surprise, the answers I received would consistently reveal a larger pattern at play.

A baseline rhythm

Much like the trees, grass and plants have their own cycles even without the intervention of humans, from what I can see, we humans also have our own natural cycles - both internally and externally.

Now, before I go on, I want to preface this topic by acknowledging that this is a generalization. I personally do not believe generalizations are bad, as long as we know what we are dealing with. I’m by no means intending to speak to the individual life and situation of every person on this earth. I’m simply positing a pattern.

On that note, back to our natural cycles. And specifically, I want to speak to our internal, lesson learning cycles.

It seems to be that in general, every decade of adulthood brings more inner confidence, more awareness and prioritization of what truly matters, and more general peace and perspective. Essentially, if nothing was specifically addressed or worked on, the general school of life would naturally turn an anxious, insecure, materially-obsessed youngster into a more grounded, more confident, wiser elder. 

I think there is something quite beautiful about this. And also quite comforting.

I exist in an industry where growing and evolving can teeter into the realm of an obsessive, egoic race of one-upmanship. There can be an almost masochistic need to constantly be digging up pain and processing it. I think that this approach is largely predicated on the idea that if we are not working hard, no evolution will happen.

But as I stated above, I don’t think that’s actually true. 

We are constantly in motion, and life is constantly teaching and changing us over time. And while I believe that purposeful self development is beneficial, I think it’s important to stay rooted in the possibility that there is actually no rush. The current is carrying us ever so gently, even when we aren’t aware that it is.

An expedited effort

Why do I think this distinction is important to make?

Well, in my opinion, there is a huge difference in approach between trying to create something that otherwise won’t happen vs. ushering along an inevitable occurrence on a more expedited timeline.

An appropriate metaphor would be our typical corporate landscape. If you were to enter a specific industry right out of college, show up to work, and do your job well enough, there is a high likelihood that eventually you would be promoted. It might take 5 years, it might take 15, it might even take 30, but barring any huge disruptions, if you simply stayed at it, some type of advancement would be inevitable. 

And yet, there are many people who aim to expedite the career advancement process. This is not achieved by believing that one will either be promoted or never be hired another day in their life. No. It is achieved by turning up the already existent volume on action, experience, synthesization, and even failures.

When we see something through the lens of all or nothing, especially when it’s not, we can either become frozen in inaction or become unnecessarily combative. However, when we see something through the lens of speeding up a process already in progress, every step forward is a bonus. Every step forward is helpful. And so we are more likely to take action, and to do so with a centered, helpful mindset and nervous system.

When it comes to our own self development, it is no different.

I routinely come across people who turn their own growth and development into another high pressure thing they can fail at. But what they’re not seeing at that moment is that the growth they seek is probably inevitable. The healing or forgiveness they want to feel will at least grow in some way, shape, or form as time goes on. The process of life will probably take care of it. 

And so rather than beating themselves up for any ‘non high vibe’ emotion they feel or any moments of perceived inner relapse, if these people could hold an awareness around the reality that their change and growth is already in motion and already inevitable, they would have more of a chance of seeing every step forward as a quicker step towards that growth.

Applying the theory

There is a chance you read this and your takeaway is that I don’t believe people should work on their inner growth and that time will always take care of the greatest amount of healing and growth possible. I really hope that is not what you take away.

What I hope you get when you read this is that those uncomfortable feelings, self-sabotaging thoughts, or ‘failed’ attempts at bettering yourself that you perceive to be derailers of your progress are likely not derailers at all.

They are the process. When you are putting in mindful work, the process simply speeds up - perceived setbacks and all. 

And when we are willing to consider the baseline inevitability of our own growth, there is so much less pressure to ‘get it right’ every time. 

Because it’s not about that.

It’s about showing up, and moving forward, no matter what speed you choose to move along at.