The Empathy Issue

Every so often, a word comes along in the English language that creates a perfect storm of confusion.

Usually, this occurs for a few reasons. First of all, the word may have many subtle meanings, leading to even more interpretations. Secondly, the word may be describing something intangible - something that we can only access individually. And finally, the word may have had the privilege of getting picked up in societal jargon, creating an even deeper well of mixed uses and mixed meanings.

One of these words that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently is empathy. 

Perhaps the rise of the word ‘empath’ has propelled misunderstanding around the concept of empathy, or perhaps it was doomed from the beginning, but I have found that many people fundamentally mistake empathy as something else entirely. And it’s this misidentification that I see ultimately leading to a lot of pain and a lack of growth.

So let’s talk about it.

What is empathy?

Here, we encounter the first issue. Depending on which highly reputed dictionary you are referring to, the definition of empathy can vary pretty widely. 

Merriam-Webster gives what I consider to be the most comprehensive definition. According to them, empathy is, “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. also : the capacity for this.”

On a more simplistic end of the spectrum, Collins defines empathy as, “the ability to share another person's feelings and emotions as if they were your own.”

I do not like this definition for reasons that will become apparent in later paragraphs.

Now, I’m fully aware that you may read these two definitions and see them as the same. And that’s okay.

However, as someone who spends day in and day out speaking with all types of people about all types of scenarios in their lives, I see the implications of the misunderstanding around this word play out - oftentimes not so pleasantly.

Feeling vs understanding

I personally think that the key to relating to the word empathy in a helpful way comes down to the concept of understanding. 

I speak to a lot of people who insist that their empathy is the cause of all of their problems. 

They will explain in great depth the ways in which they can feel what other people are feeling. They can sense the anger in someone else. They can feel it in their bones. And therefore, because of that, they are in fact certain that they must be inherently anger-inducing. Or, therefore, the other person must be the problem. 

But feeling what other people are feeling is, at best, one small corner of the total picture of empathy. What’s the other part of the picture? Well, the beginning words of the Merriam-Webster definition say, “the action of understanding.”

Understanding.

What good is feeling the feelings of others if you can not understand them?

I’m not saying that empathy is about knowing every single fact behind why a person is sad, angry or happy. Understanding is different from knowing.

What I’m saying is that all of us get angry, sad, or happy. There is a baseline understanding that we can have for anyone we suspect is experiencing any kind of emotion. Because chances are we’ve felt that emotion before, too.

It may be tempting, but I would urge you not to hoard understanding only for the people whom you already are super pleased with. We do not need to endorse someone’s words or actions in order to attempt to plant a small seed of understanding.

Because here’s the thing: once there is a seed of understanding, there is a much greater chance that more understanding can grow on all sides. And last time I checked, most of us want to feel more understood.  

Empathy and self-victimization

Aside from the general confusion around the definition of empathy, there is also a rampant belief that empathy is simply an inherent quality. No more, no less.

There are two large issues that occur when we see empathy in this way.

Issue #1 is that it can be tempting to see ourselves as victims of our empathy. This is a tricky trap to fall into - especially for those who are naturally sensitive people. 

I say this as an extraordinarily sensitive person myself. In order for natural sensitivity to evolve into a more well-rounded empathy, developing perspective is key. Perspective can look like many things, but a few perspectives that might be useful include: It’s not always all about you. Sometimes people have multiple feelings and thoughts occurring at once. Many different thoughts can result in the same feeling and vice versa.

Without the diligent development of perspective, it is very likely that a naturally sensitive and caring person may start to fall into the delusion that they know - they just know - what that other person is thinking about them. 

They can feel the slight agitation in that person’s voice. They can sense that person is in a rush. And as a result, the sensitive human may concoct a whole internal story that the other person can’t wait to get away from them because of something the sensitive human must be doing wrong. The sensitive human then launches into a weeks, months, or years long journey to fix themselves.

That other person - sure, they may have been agitated with the sensitive human. Or they also could have been hungry. Or they could have been living out any one of approximately 8,000,000 other possibilities.

When we stop short at conflating natural sensitivity with empathy, this type of self-victimization and delusion is oftentimes what occurs. And it causes so much unnecessary pain on all sides.

Empathy as a skill

Issue #2 that occurs when we see empathy as a purely innate quality, is that we stop seeing empathy as a skill that can be developed.

And quickly thereafter, we stop being aware of the usefulness of developing empathy.

Nearly every client I’ve ever coached has had some type of empathy blindspot. I have empathy blindspots. We all have empathy blindspots.

While an empathy blindspot can show up anywhere, it often shows up at work. And when it does, the vast majority of the time, developing more empathy is in fact the only thing that stands between my client and what they want - whether it be a raise, a promotion, a better workplace, or funding for their new business. 

Empathy, when fully developed, is incredibly powerful. It puts the person who holds it in a driver’s seat that is not isolating and exhausting - rather it is inclusive and engaging. 

But in order to feel the full power of empathy, it needs to be consciously developed like any other skill. For some reason, with empathy, we tend to forget this.

Yes, I know, sometimes the last thing you want to do is delve into feeling and understanding the feelings and perspective of that landlord you absolutely can not stand. And I’m not at all saying that by doing so, you will absolutely get that rent reduction you are seeking. But by not deciding to practice empathy in the hardest and most annoying situations, you are stunting your overall empathetic skills. 

You are cutting yourself off from one of the most powerful tools we have as humans to navigate humanity as a whole.

But when you are willing to look at empathy as what it is - a skill that can be developed - you can actually start to develop it. 

How? Well, let’s go back to our trusting Merriam-Webster definition.

According to them, empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. also : the capacity for this.

So, here’s what I would do.

Increase your awareness of the thoughts, feelings, and experience of both yourself and others. Strive to increasingly understand the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of yourself and others. Be sensitive to both yourself and others by treating both yourself and others the way you want to be treated.

By doing this, you may not always get it right. 

But over time, your capacity will increase. And as a result, so will your peace.