The infinite collapse of living life for others

 
 

As I sit here in a cafe putting pen to paper, waiting to see what comes out and waiting to meet up with a friend of mine who is obsessed with etymology, it dawns on me to look up the origin of the word ‘considerate’.

‘Be considerate.’ 

What a common piece of advice most frequently doled out to us as children. And what a phrase that hangs heavier with new weight in every year of life that passes. 

As if the vast majority of us aren’t all running around trying to please the ominous other beyond what is even possible - just to prove that we do in fact have a shot in hell of feeling like enough.

We advise each other and ourselves to be considerate, but do we really mean it? Or are we trying to say something else entirely?

The word ‘considerate’ comes from the the latin word ‘consideratus’ which, roughly translated, means to deliberately examine or observe. 

Being deliberate in one’s attention has a decisive and empowered ring to it, doesn’t it? This differs from the way most of us carry the concept of consideration in our everyday lives. 

It seems that somewhere along the way, being considerate morphed from being decidedly aware of others to living into an existence beholden to the unpredictable and invisible whims of everyone but ourselves. 

In fact, if you look up the current day, colloquial definition of the word, being considerate means being ‘careful not to inconvenience or harm others’. 

The span between the original etymology and the modern day definition is the difference between factoring the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others into the equation vs. creating the whole equation around the convenience and comfort of others. 

One perspective allows you to retain yourself, your needs, and your priorities as a foundational piece of the equation while the other perspective all but requires you to eliminate it.

What I am trying to pinpoint here - possibly with success, quite possibly incoherently - is the exact reason why so many people struggle with the finding a healthy balance between the polarities of the oft criticized land of people-pleasing and the seemingly risk-filled world of living life for oneself. 

And why wouldn’t this balance be difficult to locate? We do not make it easy on ourselves. The confusing implications of the word ‘considerate’ pale in comparison to the larger implications of the mixed messages we play out in our society on a daily basis. 

In failing to find the health balance, we, as a society, continue to bounce back and forth between the polarities.

And you may think that I am only writing of the suffering of those who visibly fall to the side of exorbitant over-consideration, but I am not. It may not seem like it when we are stuck in the ping ponging polarity game, but neither extreme is beneficial, nor is it less trapped in the paradigm than the other.

It is the incessant black/white, good/bad, considerate/selfish paradigm that is the problem. Not any given side.

It is my experience that even the jerkiest of the jerks we meet - those who seem so self serving it is almost unbearable to be around - are some of the most trapped in this polarization. In a no win game, they are simply the ones who choose to fight instead of facing the futility of trying to fall in line.

When we dig deeper, we see that the givers and takers are not so different at their core.

They are simply two ships on opposite ends of the same ocean. And until we realize that there is safety in the water in between, neither ship will ever reach its port.