Letting go of the background noise

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been pretty sensitive to sound. Any small noise that my brain decides to fixate on has the potential to turn into a massive distraction capable of derailing my focus, and even my mood.

You might think that as a result of this reaction to sound, I might have spent my life chasing silence.

Well, kind of.

What I’ve found actually works better to drown out the many noises of life is the addition of a self-selected background noise. Unlike pure silence which can be broken, background noise provides a type of heavy blanket that prevents any particular sound from speaking up too loudly - or even at all.

One example of this background noise is the white noise machine I sleep next to every night that shields the noise of any cars passing by or AC units kicking in in the middle of the night.

Another example is the headphones on my ears as I walk through a major city. You may also know this type of background noise well. Rather than be disrupted by the honking cars and shouting people, one can simply click a button and music immediately washes over it all.

Background noise isn’t only helpful for external interruptions.

When I experienced a major loss in my early 20s, thoughts of despair and loneliness started uncontrollably descending in on my psyche as soon as I was alone. And so the tv shows ‘30 Rock’ and ‘Parks and Recreation’ became my background noise. As soon as the door closed to my house, the streaming service turned on, and the scripted lines provided a focal point that helped to take the edge off of the inner pain.

Today, I watch as our phones, games, and social media apps seem to placate and pacify us all from the frustrations and worries of life.

Even ‘productive’ distractions like Ted talks and business-focused books can be used to stifle out the questions of ‘what do I want to do?’ and ‘who do I want to be?’

As it turns out, the background noise has all become so - noisy.

Recently, I’ve been searching for silence.

I tend to only write about things here that I’ve gotten at least some initial level of closure on. This time is a bit different, though.

Recently, I’ve become increasingly aware that I need more silence in my days to live the life I want to live. Or perhaps a better way of putting it would be that I need less background noise in my days to live the life I want to live.

As it turns out, eliminating the background noise is proving to be an exercise in extraordinary persistence, patience, and self-compassion.

It also seems that background noise is a collective addiction - and a socially acceptable one at that.

And this is why I’m sharing this part of my life before it’s wrapped in any kind of a neat bow. Because based on conversations with my clients, my friends, and my family - I think more silence is something that so many of us are searching for.

And yet, letting go of the background noise can feel almost impossible. And so we give up trying, because it’s just easier. And, well, everyone else is doing it. So it can’t be that bad, right?

But here’s what’s concerning to me. When I am in client calls, I can easily go hours without looking at my email or electronics. And yet, when it comes time for me to do my own thinking and reflection, it seems that my hand almost mindlessly reaches for my phone or clicks open a new tab in my browser. Before I know it, I’m back in the background noise.

It is troubling that when I’m looking for a solution to an issue in my life or business, my first place to go is often outside of myself. I read books, or watch youtube channels, or ingest course material. And hey, education is great. But when I’m busy intaking information, I’m not actually aware of my own instinct or thought process. I’m simply enveloped in a particular type of background noise that feels productive, but ultimately isn’t so much.

I wonder why I can sit in mediation for hours and yet when I consider doing administrative work without any type of music or television playing in the background, I get slightly anxious. Yes, anxious! The other day I spent 15 minutes looking for a ‘background noise’ tv show to play so that I could do a 20 minute task.

This is not intended to be a manifesto of all of the ways that I could do better or a confessional of all of the ways I’ve failed.

But I guess what I’m trying to get at is - what am I trying to distract myself from? What are we all trying to distract ourselves from? And is it actually helpful?

Here’s what I’m doing...

If any of this resonates with any of you, then I’m so glad. And if it doesn’t, then I suppose I’m really glad too because it probably means you are not addicted to the background noise.

If you have an awareness that you are using the background noise to distract from something on your end - even if you don’t know what you’re trying to be distracted from - and you would like to do that less, here’s where I’m starting, in case it’s helpful to you.

• Every day, at least once, I’m resisting logging onto social media for as long as possible. And every day, at least once, I’m creating a new form of connection in my network or community.

• Every day, at least once, I’m going for a walk with no music or podcast playing in the background.

• I’m about to have a few weeks of a lot of driving which is unusual for me. But, during that time, for every hour I drive, I will drive 15 minutes in silence.

• And finally, before I read a book or watch a video that is promising to teach or give me perspective on something, I’m taking 10 minutes to write down what I know, what I think, and what I would like to learn.

These are just my things, your things may be different. I don’t struggle so much with email notifications, or using my phone in the presence of other people. But, I know a lot of people do. And if that’s where your background noise lives, then maybe there are some small action items in those areas that you can take.

I live a very externally quiet life. I own my own business, set my own schedule, and don’t have children. Those with a more externally noisy and chaotic life may want to look at how much those small moments that you claim for yourself are filled with background noise vs replenishing activity. Or it may be helpful to look at how much of it is default vs conscious.

The point is not to be perfect or even to ‘fix’ yourself for the sake of being better.

The point is that if you sometimes feel like your days and time are slipping away from you, or if you feel like you’re out of control in your own life - and you struggle to find your own inner silence - the background noise may be playing too loudly.

And if you’re willing to work a little bit to let go of it a little more, you might be surprised to find how much space, knowledge, and peace already exists in your world.