An Entrepreneur’s Mantra For Detachment
I have spent the better part of my life fascinated by the ‘why’ behind those experiences in life that are both intangible yet extremely palpable.
For example, in my musician years, I got to experience a phenomenon that occurs when creating music in physical proximity with other musicians of a certain skill level. While musicians have many overt tools for playing together such as physical gestures, the use of a conductor, and audible breath, there also comes a point where you can just feel it.
Yes, ‘feel it’. I don’t have a better way of saying it, but nearly every musician I’ve ever spoken to understands what I’m saying.
There is a type of connection that seems to transcend all physical cues. One might ‘feel’ exactly where the bassoonist 10 feet behind them is going to place that note. Or they might ‘feel’ that the soloist is about to attempt a different phrasing in the moment, even though there was no discussion of it previously.
To this day, even remembering this feeling makes me so excited and it’s one of the things I most miss about being a performer. However, as magical this phenomenon feels - it’s actually not that mysterious.
It’s simply an awareness thing.
It is most people’s nature when they perform to focus on themselves. This might be due to nerves or a lack of trust in one’s own skills. However, once a musician passes a certain threshold of competence and inner trust, they can divert a lot of that previously used attention to sensing what is happening around them.
It is a skill - and a practiced skill. It is also a relatively intangible skill because it is based on one’s own awareness. So, unlike practicing scales where both you and everyone around you would know that you’re doing so, practicing awareness is different. It’s more invisible. And as a result, not as many people know or think to practice it.
But when someone does practice it, boy oh boy can everyone feel it. That level of practiced awareness becomes undeniably palpable - for the musician themselves, for the surrounding musicians, and even for the audience. It is unfakeable and unshakeable, so much so that it even has the power to radiate in a way that becomes contagious to others.
So, let’s talk about entrepreneurship….
Being an entrepreneur, especially an entrepreneur in a service-based industry such as coaching, has raised a whole other realm of curious questions about intangible realities for me.
One that comes up for me over and over again - both in my own mind and in what others share with me - is what I will call the Invisible Ick.
I’m confident that whoever you are, you have witnessed and/or experienced the Invisible Ick from an entrepreneur - either directly or indirectly. Here are some ways it might have popped up:
Have you ever been offered ‘free’ support, and no matter how many times the person says there aren’t any strings attached, you can’t shake the feeling that there are in fact many strings? And perhaps in the end you were even right? Yup, that’s the Invisible Ick.
Have you ever read someone’s social media post or email newsletter and even though you have no objection to the actual content and there’s nothing overtly manipulative at play, it almost feels like you’re trying to be coerced into something against your will and you don’t know why? Invisible Ick.
Have you ever gotten the feeling that regardless of their words or actions, the person across from you sees you with a dollar sign above your head? But you can’t figure out why exactly you feel that way even though it’s making you increasingly uncomfortable? My friend, you are experiencing the Invisible Ick.
The Invisible Ick fascinates me because ultimately, it’s very clearly an attachment thing. Whenever we feel an element of clinginess or graspiness, it’s an attachment thing - or more specifically - a lack of detachment thing. However, knowing that it’s related to attachment actually does, in my opinion, very little to help the entrepreneur eliminate the Ick.
First of all, we humans all have attachment issues on some level big or small. Saying ‘Be less attached’ is almost like saying ‘Calm down’ to a person overcome with anger. Is it ever really that helpful? I remain unconvinced.
Also, while the Invisible Ick tends to originate from the entrepreneur’s own attachments, its true palpability occurs in the person or people on the other end of the interaction. This is tricky because our attachments tend to be our blind spots. So, an entrepreneur might not actively feel attached. They might insist that they aren’t. Yet while the symptoms of their attachments are showing up clearly, they are showing up clearly in the eyes and experiences of other people who may not want to or even be able to articulate what they’re experiencing.
So the Invisible Ick lingers.
What to do, then? Well, I have an angle I’d like to explore.
Entrepreneurs, I’m talking to you.
Entrepreneurship, especially service-based entrepreneurship, can be emotionally difficult. You pour your heart into something with the intention of helping and also the hope of making money.
Maybe you have an idea for a program that you really see a need for. You spend hours developing it and speaking about it and marketing it. And nobody signs up.
Or maybe you have been speaking with a potential client and both their words and reactions signify that you have really helped them. In your eyes, they are a perfect fit. Yet, despite all of that, they are not interested in working together.
Perhaps you have spent weeks, months, or even years setting a fee for your services that you feel really represents the value you bring. ‘It’s a steal!’ you think, considering how much you are offering of yourself. Anyways, you know many people who charge 3 or 4 times this amount. And yet, everyone you’ve told your fee to has exclaimed that it is way too expensive for them.
Entrepreneurship can feel so difficult because it’s not just about helping people and it’s not just about money - it’s about both. And that can feel very blurry and very confusing.
Especially when we consider that most people drawn to start coaching, healing, or helping businesses have likely been the ‘helpers’ in their own families or social circles their whole lives. This means that there is typically baggage attached to one’s concept of service and how it intersects with their own value or desire for acknowledgement.
Add in the actual need or desire for money (which is why most people start businesses in the first place), and the whole thing really starts to feel very personal and get very… icky.
Soon, your head might be full of not so pretty thoughts like:
Why didn’t anyone sign up for my program? Don’t they see how badly they need it? Don’t they want to be better? Don’t they know how hard I’ve worked? Don’t they care?
How could that person say no to signing up with me? After all of the time I spent with them? After I fixed them? Don’t they know that when I offered one more call with ‘no strings attached’ that was supposed to make them want to sign up with me because I’m are SO GRACEFULLY DETACHED AND ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT’S BEST FOR THEM DAMMIT?!
Too expensive? I’m too expensive? Do they even understand what commitment is? They are obviously uncommitted and obviously lazy and obviously stupid because if they saw the true value of my judgment-free presence, they would find the money and then some.
You insist that you’ve never had any of these thoughts? I’m sorry, I don’t believe you.
These emotionally rooted thoughts, and thoughts like them, can feel ugly and shameful - so our instinct is to ignore them. Douse them in stilted positivity. Run away from them by diving head first into another method or approach.
But when we react to them in this way, they don’t just go away. They linger, and become your blind spots. They stew under the surface and become the base ingredients for the Invisible Ick.
Yup, the thing about being an entrepreneur is that our internal reality translates externally - whether we want it to or not. Whether we are willing to accept it or not. And attachments don’t just go away because they’re inconvenient. Ultimately, we have to face them.
I promised a mantra, so here it is:
They do not owe you anything.
I know it might sound harsh. But it’s the truth. And I’ve always found the truth to be helpful.
Your audience doesn’t owe you engagement. Your clients don’t owe you renewals. The people you speak with don’t owe you big breakthroughs. Your prospective clients do not owe you their desire to work with you. People do not owe you their agreement that your fees are worth it or your services are helpful.
Please stop trying to erase your emotional debt by attempting to collect validation from the people you do or hope to serve. It’s not their tab to pay. And it is limiting your ability to actually be helpful since your awareness is being used up on what you think you should get vs what is actually occurring in front of you.
Practice shifting your awareness from what should be to what is. Aim to be relentlessly honest with yourself. The more you do this, the less you will run the risk of invisibly radiating ick and the more you will see all of the opportunities to both be helpful and make money that exist in this world we live in.