Ableism in Coaching: and trauma diving

Trauma is one of those terms that has increasingly become a buzzword and hot topic in the coaching industry as well as in all corners of the professional development and self-help industries. And for good reason. Our collective understanding of trauma is both incredibly limited and also not precisely defined enough. 

There are many knowledgeable and skilled people, organizations, and initiatives who are endeavoring to define and educate people on what trauma is, what being trauma-informed means, and what the best approaches and environments are for people to safely explore their trauma. 

I am not one of those experts and this is not one of those conversations. 

What I want to speak about here is the seemingly growing compulsion in the coaching industry - especially the life coaching industry - to dive headfirst into a client’s trauma and the severe implications it can have for the client, for the coach, and for the industry as a whole. Especially, when seen through the lens of intersecting with disability.

First, some definitions and disclaimers:

Let’s briefly recap what we mean when we are speaking about disability. There are so many categories that are encompassed by the term disability, from mobility impairments, to immune system disorders, to learning disabilities and hearing and vision impairments - the list is quite vast. But did you know that post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) are also both considered to be disabilities? 

Society and science both have a long way to go in our understanding of these two conditions, but I bring them up because while all disabled people intersect with this conversation I’m raising around trauma and coaching, these two conditions in particular are specifically related to trauma. I mean, it’s literally in the name. And what I think is important about this is that it clearly highlights the fact that not all trauma is built the same. 

Additionally, certain mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia are also technically considered to be disabilities. And as you might guess, mental health is extremely closely linked to how one processes and relates to trauma. Again, I raise this to point out that not only is trauma a complex concept, but how we all individually relate to trauma can and will inherently vary significantly based on our unique internal setup in this life.

To that point, I do want to personally be clear about something that I think is important context for this discussion on trauma in the coaching industry. I am not at all a person who believes that the only or even inherently safest place to examine one’s own trauma is in the arms of western medicine. And I’m definitely not saying the western medicine approach to psychology, disability, or trauma is the gold standard approach, end all be all authority, or that they even have all of the answers. My experience is that they very much do not. But in the scope of this conversation I do want to hold the western medicine approach to the intersectionality of trauma and disability as an important standard to be aware of. It is one of thoughtfulness and seriousness in approach. The western medicine approach to psychology may be many things, but impulsive and reckless tend not to be on the list.

So with that being said, let’s get back to the conversation at hand.

Trauma is not a one size fits all term. 

Dear coach: your trauma is not their trauma. 

And this becomes an incredibly important sentiment to hold when we consider that a large part of the coaching industry is predicated on coaches themselves doing their own ‘inner work’. 

Yes, if you are a coach of any kind, please, by all means do your own work. See therapists, see coaches. Dive into the parts of your inner world that are unexplored. Continue to finesse an outer world that matches your greatest desires. By all means, keep walking your talk. It will, amongst many other things, be very helpful to your growth in the coaching profession.

But when it comes to your clients, a line must be drawn.Your work is not their work. And conversely their work is not yours - no matter how similar you might think it looks. 

Just because you struggled with your body image and found answers and help in a 12 step program, does not mean that your client needs to, wants to, or will benefit from walking the same path as you.

Just because your last client found peace through forgiving and ultimately reconnecting with their estranged parent, it does not mean that your next client has to reconcile with - or even fully forgive - their estranged family member in order for them to experience more peace in their life.

Trauma is complex and nuanced. It is not always ready to be worked with and the work will look wildly different based on a vast number of factors. 

For example, you might have a client who is working through some money trauma due to prolonged poverty experienced in their childhood. You might think, “I used to have no money and I worked on my money trauma. I feel totally great now! I can help them feel the same way!”

Well, first of all, did you actually have money trauma? Or did you simply have uncomfortable feelings around money, which was easily placated through basic money mindset work? 

And if you did have money trauma, how did your trauma intersect with racial trauma? Did it? How so? Does theirs? How so?

How did your trauma intersect with capitalist and patriarchal trauma? Did it? How so? Does theirs? How so?

How did your trauma intersect with your own disability? Did it? How so? Does theirs? How so?

When coaches endeavor to treat trauma with a set process that was taught to them as a panacea for ‘healing’ people, they are subtly but strongly reinforcing many harmful narratives, one of which is an ableist narrative that there is not only a right way to be, but there is also a right way to relate to trauma, and a right way to heal that trauma. 

Not only is that not true, the perpetuation of that narrative can cause a person to become even more inundated with self-denial and shame when the ‘way’ that is supposed to work for everyone doesn’t work for them.

Working with trauma is not a badge of honor. 

I find that so much of the coaching industry conflates the glorified concept of deep coaching with presumptively locating and aggressively provoking a person’s trauma. 

And because of this, many coaches set out to try to heal, fix, erase, or solve a client’s trauma as quickly and completely as possible to prove that yes, they are themselves a deep coach worthy of high accolades and - of course - high fees. 

This is where coaches can best case, find themselves way outside of the realm of their capabilities, and worst case can create profound damage to the client.

One of the hardest points for a coach to really get, and what I consider to be one of the marks of a really great coach, is that how a client relates to their own life is actually none of your business. 

I want to make sure you hear me, because this is really important - especially to this conversation.

If a client feels that a certain way is the best way for them to relate to their own life, while you can absolutely inquire more or present them with other alternatives, it is ultimately none of your business to convince them to subscribe to your way of thinking. 

“But Lisa, their way of relating to their trauma or their disability is causing them so much pain! I want to help them.”

Well, first of all, is their way of relating causing them pain, or do you see how they’re relating alongside seeing their pain and have you drawn a correlation that actually doesn’t exist? Here’s another question for you - do they experience their way of relating to their situation as painful? Do they want to adjust it? If they don’t, why do you?

And even if they do, have you automatically assumed what the best way for them to relate to themselves is? Why are you trying to lead them down your road instead of helping them forge their own?

I’m not asking these questions facetiously or sarcastically - I’m asking them because these questions are just the tip of the contextual iceberg that actually exists alongside a client’s experience and your perception and interpretation of it. 

If as a coach, you are in any way relating to a client’s trauma as an opportunity for you to prove your coaching capabilities, you are going to miss the iceberg. You are missing the context. And when we miss the context, especially in the case of someone who is struggling with a complex or intersectional form of trauma, we are at severe risk of completely bypassing their experience, or worse, creating an even more traumatic experience for them.

I’m really not saying this lightly. Early on in my coaching career, I definitely bypassed people’s experiences - exerting my judgment on their relationship to their ‘mindset’. I have personally watched countless coaches in real time step right into the storm of a complex trauma situation and have watched great harm transpire as a result. 

Human egos are an interesting thing in that they are terrible at assessing true risk and experts at creating a false sense of safety. It is the human condition to think that we know more and know better than the cautionary tales tell us. It is the human condition to think that we see everything so accurately when we really don’t. 

And that is the whole point of what I’m trying to say here. 

I am not at all trying to convince you to see trauma my way or to tell you how to coach disabled people with trauma or to even tell you whether or not to coach people with trauma at all. 

I am, however, imploring you to consider that from what has been mindfully studied about the implications of trauma and disability, our egos trying to categorically know the ‘right’ way to do things is ultimately a huge danger and disservice to the clients and to the industry. 

What to do? Consider what the virtues of patience and acceptance mean to you.

I can not tell you how many coaches have said to me some version of, “I can remove people’s trauma” or “I can totally heal people’s trauma”. I have even heard a few coaches who compare themselves to a surgeon - boasting that the process may be very painful, but when it is done, all trauma will be removed from the body and mind *snap* just like that.

Claims like this have always given me pause, because I’m going to be honest with you, they seem incredibly reductive and intolerant.

Can a person be limited in certain ways and thrive in others? Can a person be grappling with their own trauma and the depths of their own circumstance and still be successful? Can a person have parts inside that are healed alongside parts that are still healing or may never heal completely and still experience fulfillment, peace and joy?

I believe they can. I believe we all do. 

So when someone is passing judgment on trauma as this very evil thing that a person must purify themselves of in order to reach abundance and success, it raises the question for me - is their understanding of trauma inclusive of the vast complexity of the term or is it centered in a privileged and ableist lens where the depth of reality for so many people is bypassed because clever ‘techniques’ don’t seem to ‘fix’ them well enough?

Here’s my bold personal opinion: if you are in the mindset of believing a person is whole and worthy, but you find yourself thinking things like ‘but just think of how much more they could have if they were free from their trauma’, I encourage you to take an honest look at your definition of whole and worthy. 

Part of dismantling ableism in the coaching industry is looking at the ways in which coaching methodologies present a problem to be fixed because said problem is seen as a hindrance on the true, pristine, pure, and ideal reality that is ultimately accessible only through the lens of ableist privilege. When these methodologies then come in contact with disabled people, we start to see how intolerant and limited they really are because they are built on the belief that words like limitation or trauma mean the same thing for all of us.

Which they don’t. 

I don’t have all the answers, but here are some tangible tips.

If you are a coach, please remember that you do not have to be the person who helps a person address their trauma in order to coach them effectively - even on the things that their trauma intersects with. 

If you have been taught a specific technique intended to work with trauma - whether it be NLP-based, hypnosis-based, somatic-based, or anything else - and it was presented to you as a cure all, please consider that it’s not. And if you didn’t receive incredibly specific, incredibly situational guidance and advice on how to implement the technique safely and thoughtfully into your coaching practice, please approach with extra caution and explicit consent from the client.

Which brings me to my last tip for coaches - one which will presumably come up often throughout this whole series of mine. Learning cool coaching techniques is great, but do you know what is also great? Learning about the abundance of ways to ask for and confirm consent with a client at the beginning of and throughout your work. 

A large part of ableism is the world exerting its own paradigm and solutions nonconsensually onto disabled individuals. When you become well versed in the area of consent, you are helping to make your coaching practice a safer space for disabled individuals. 

And if you are a client who is turning to a coach to help deal with a trauma or trauma-adjacent matter in your life - a few considerations for you. 

First of all, consider either hiring a coach alongside a therapist, or consider hiring a coach who is a licensed therapist. As I said before, I do not believe that western psychology does the best job with the matter of trauma and it is important to know that licensed therapists do not legally need to be trauma informed. I have personally had unhelpful and sometimes harmful interactions with therapists around my own trauma. But with a licensed therapist, you are at least guaranteeing many years of education and perspective. And I mention this option first because many people I come across do not know that this is even an option.

If therapists aren’t for you and/or you really want to explore trauma work with a coach or alternative practitioner, take your time and do your due diligence. I’m a personal advocate of interviewing multiple people and asking to speak personally to current or past clients of theirs. And if someone tries to rush you into a sale, or grows aggravated with you for asking questions or taking your time, it is probably a valuable and accurate glimpse into how they will approach working through your trauma with you. 

And finally, be wary of people who make sweeping claims to be able to ‘fix’ your life or ‘erase’ your trauma - either directly or in their marketing. I know it can feel tempting to buy into these claims, especially if you are in a lot of pain, but please understand that anyone who is willing to boldly make such claims without carefully considering their harmful implications may also be inclined to overlook the actual subtleties involved in leading you through your healing journey.