Ableism in Coaching: and the habit of vilifying requests
If you would prefer to listen to this post rather than read it, there is an embedded link at the end of this post that contains a voice narration.
I have decided to officially ‘kick off’ my discussion on Ableism in Coaching with what I consider to be a mammoth topic that manifests in so many ways - both in regards to ableism and also not. But I think that it’s a good one to cover early on because most anyone with familiarity around the coaching industry has come across this at least once, and the solutions I have to suggest are clear, simple and actionable.
So let’s dig in.
But first, a story…
I remember speaking with a friend of mine many years ago as he was going through a difficult breakup. His fiancé had decided that the relationship was no longer what she wanted. However, she was obviously struggling with her responsibility to communicate this new awareness.
She ended up calling my friend to terminate the years-long relationship. And when my friend asked for a conversation, his ex fiancé went on the attack. She started to make claims like “I never really loved you” and “If you’re honest with yourself you never really loved me - I could tell.” She picked apart his habit of sometimes leaving dishes in the sink as proof that he was not committed to their relationship. And then, unprovoked, she started directly attacking his character.
While she later apologized to my friend for her behavior, in the moment that this was all happening, my friend was distraught and confused. He couldn’t understand why in the moment where she was already breaking his heart, she felt the need to take an ax to his self-esteem.
Because he was in the situation, he could not see it clearly. But anyone on the outside could easily see what was happening.
His ex had made a decision that she knew would be hard for him to hear. She felt guilty. And because the guilt was too much for her to handle in the moment, she turned the blame onto him and made an already tough situation much, much worse.
How does this relate to the coaching industry?
Most coaches are business owners. And sometimes as a business owner, tough decisions are necessary.
You might decide to hold a live event, but not have the funds or technological capabilities to make it a hybrid online event.
You might run a group program, and make recordings available of your sessions to participants, but lack the time or support necessary to provide transcripts and outlines as well.
You might provide support to individual clients in between calls, but due to your own capacity or processing abilities, may only allow written correspondence and not be set up to communicate with clients via voice note.
It can be uncomfortable to admit to a client or prospective client that no, your business is not set up to accommodate their request. And it may never be.
However, rather than owning their own boundaries and ways of doing business, some coaches will instead try to justify their decisions by attacking the character of the person in front of them - either directly or indirectly.
And this is where real issues start to occur - both for the client but also for the coach.
Time for an example…
Let’s take the example of running a group program and providing recordings but deciding not to provide transcripts or outlines.
Imagine you are the coach and you have a prospective client who is interested in your group. They have asked you if transcripts and outlines will be provided for all of the group sessions.
Now while they didn’t give a reason for their request, let’s say they are one of the 20% of US adults who have a learning disability and that makes audio processing extremely difficult and grueling for them. Maybe this disability is diagnosed - but also maybe it isn’t - and while they experience difficulties associated with the disability, they have a deep fear that all of this struggle is just because they are actually stupid (which they aren’t).
They make this request, and you as the coach for whatever reason are unable to accommodate it.
But you have people pleasing tendencies and are incapable of neutrally and firmly saying no. Or you want to accommodate their request but lack the resources to do so, and feel deep shame around your lack of resources. Or perhaps you watched a successful coach say the following thing as an example of ‘strong coaching,’ so you respond with something like:
“Transcripts and outlines? I don’t do that. And do you know why I don’t? I work with adults. And adults are able to take their own notes. Adults are able to pay attention. And if you are committed enough and stay present enough, you won’t need a transcript or an outline.”
And just like that, you’ve made the space a lot less safe, a lot more ableist, and have possibly even created more damage than help to the person in front of you. All in the name of reducing your own discomfort around enforcing your own boundaries.
What does this mean?
Does this mean that you can never say no to a client’s request?
Of course not. As I mentioned before, being a business owner means making difficult decisions. And sometimes in order to stay in integrity with your decisions, you will have to say no.
Does this mean that clients never make requests out of a sense of entitlement and laziness - that it’s always a disability?
Also of course not. But if you truly want to understand why someone is making a request, it requires context. And context requires curiosity, not judgment.
What I have seen to be true when a coach is casting judgment on a person or people in regards to a request is that they are, in the best cases, mimicking a form of ‘leadership’ they have learned from someone else. And in the worst cases, they are more interested in easing their own internal discomfort than they are in being respectful to the person in front of them.
Either way, the narrative that then emerges is oftentimes one that vilifies, excludes, ridicules, or shames the people who make certain requests as being not committed, not smart, not serious, or not ‘adult’ enough. And that narrative often creates a space that is not safe for a lot of people, but especially becomes unsafe for those with disabilities.
What then?
So, what to do if you are a coach who wants to create a less ableist landscape without forsaking your own boundaries?
Well, first of all, get comfortable with saying the following sentence:
No.
Just say no. If the choice is between you saying a clear, succinct no vs. you haphazardly shaming the person in front of you, the answer becomes clear. No is a complete sentence. And while the silence afterwards can feel scary, it is oftentimes the better option than the unfiltered, emotionally charged words that want to follow.
Or, if you’re in the mood for more words, you can try this sentence on for size:
No, I can’t do that. But I’m curious if you can tell me more about why you’re asking.
Learning to be an effective, inclusive coach is a journey in radical non-assumption and curiosity. You might think you know, but you don’t know until you ask.
And if you’re a client, or a prospective client, who has experienced or will be on the receiving end of this type of interaction one day - first of all, I’m sorry.
However, I have a sentence for you too, in case you encounter a coach who you feel is casting unfair judgements on you because of a simple inquiry or request. And it goes like this.
It sounds like you’re saying no, and I get that. And respectfully, I want to point out that you are now making inappropriate assumptions about my commitment level/level of seriousness/learning style/capacity/life/etc that I don’t welcome and are not up for discussion right now.
Like I said before…
This is a huge topic that manifests in a wide variety of ways, many of which I will dig into deeper later on.
But in the meantime, I hope that those of you in the coaching industry see a little bit more clearly how the peace - or lack thereof - of your own internal landscape dictates the peace - or lack thereof - of the external landscape you set up for all people, no matter their circumstances.